It Can't Rain All the Time

So anyways, it looks like things are turning out to be really back to normal in this insane crazed life of mine... Work is picking up agian it was nice to have a break but it seems in the limbo of nothingness i lose myself and start seeing things that aren't there to worry about because i'm bored.. i speant so much time on vacation before finding work i am so driven i forget that i need time for myself. of course i'm driven at my job so i'd rather be there... first class trip to burnoutlandia please. worked things out with the landlord too so I won't be going to the tribunal but will be moving July 1st or sooner going to look at an apt. tonight... 2 bedrooms.. finally some privacy... sharing a one bedroom with a child was always a neccesary evil...... i am making some big moves right now to preserve order and make things less chaotic in my life.

Current mood: Serene.

We walked the narrow path,
beneath the smoking skies.
Sometimes you can barely tell the difference
between darkness and light.
Do you have faith
in what we believe?
The truest test is when we cannot,
when we cannot see.

Waitin' For Superman

So it appears earlier fears about employment were unfounded as I am just getting to one of those points where when I have too much time to myself or time off without anything to occupy my sad little mind i start convincing myself of spectres that aren't really real and convincing myself of things that should not be. I can frustrate myself easily esp. when i have other nonsense in my life to deal with so sometimes it's better than to overthink and anaylyze a situation to just hold back and let things figure themselves out.. good or bad.

Sanity may be madness but the maddest of all is to see life as it is and not as it should be.
Current Mood: Less frustrated

The War at Home.

So it looks like I'm definitely looking for a new apartment seeing how these cocksuckers are playing games like putting a dead bolt at 1 am when my son is sleeping and serving me paperwork as leaving to go to st. catherines to pick him up. and then serving me court papers before i even get a chance to get some fucking legal advice. same excuse as last time, i'm either getting a new place in the next two weeks or i am going to tie this shit up in court for a while, Wanna see me turn into a hell rider? if it wasn't for my job and my kid i would almost go fucking transient agian, i mean every fucking minute except for one month in this aptement i have been working mostly overnight and then this cocksucking bullshit since december? can't wait till they end up renting to a real fucking crackhead and someone burns down the place... fucking assholes... had to put the wagon in his room for fear they would toss it if i left it outside. not fucking impressed with anything right now.. oh and i'm losing shifts at work bigtime too...

Oh and on the job front.... a month ago i had a clear fucking picture of what was going on in my life and where i was going... now there is so much fucking bullshit swirling the toilet i don't know what the fuck to think... i mean two people that got hired or came back from vacation are getting the bulk of my shifts what the fuck is that? and they are expecting loyalty and me to be aviliable on call? what if i feel like getting smashed and therefor unaviliable for work.. do i have to wait till 11 every night to find out if i'm needed at work that day for an afternoon or evening shift? what the fuck? i do some hell shifts and cover agian for people and this how the fuck I am repaid... goddamnit i need to find something permanent and full time... i'm not getting fucked over like last time where i work like dog and without acceptable time off to sleep and then given a pink slip, that happens and I start to see the writing on the wall i'm gone before i get fucked over. already starting to feel Used. I love my job but there are serious questions and issues there recently that need to be addressed. I will not crucify myself and be a martyr for my mental health for a few more bucks in my pocket agian, i need to have balance in my life and not confusion about when and if i am working... i did give up other employment for this job.

Current Mood: Used and thrown away.
Current Music: Hero of the Day, Metallica.
Where large sums of money are concerned, it is advisable to trust nobody.

Comfortably Numb.

it's been an interesting few days, a very good weekend in which we finally got the wagon, went to see Monster's VS. aleins but the little one ended up having a nap. nothing like being stuck in a torretial downpour with a little one catching zzz's in a downpour, such fun. I found out that it looks like i'll be doing mostly days at work next month hopefully, Which I am slightly impressed by as long as i get the shifts.. haven't really been up to anything the last few days except hanging around and playing video games.

Current Mood: Bored.

Angels and Demons

it's been a wonderufully stressful few days, there are days when all i want to do is just relax and let the world pass me by... but of course i have to work.. it is a good thing i have my particular mindset with my job as the last twenty four hours have been trying with my carreer and has led to some serious depression and questioning of the next move in terms of my carrer. I defintly love my job and what i am doing there but i have had to break one of the most sacred of oaths that i promised myself more often than i would have liked to have done so. obviously i see reasons for this and i have a better understanding of their and my own behaviors as a child but still it is something that i deal with inner anger towards myself for letting it escalate to that position and depression and survivors guilt, the world is a fucking awful place and i have to remind myself that there are good parents and people that care to balance out the fuckups that don't know how to parent society's kids. all these little guys need is someone to be there and someone to care and understand them and I am doing that, I just need to remind myself of this point sometimes as it is sometimes hard to see the angels and demons and understand the how and why. I have the training, i have resorces to deal with when i get frustrated and i Love my job. it's just one of those things that i have to get used to so i don't burn out or end up with damage to my mental health, i will figure it out. i wanted it and i have it... i'm not going anywhere.

We're all born upon the cross
The throw before the toss
You can release yourself
But the only way is down
We'll know for the first time
If we're evil or divine

Current Mood: Happy, Little man in 4 hours

Armageddon

Of recent days when i have the admitally little amount of spare time that i have i have been playing Mortal Kombat Armageddon, nothing like a little mindless nonsense violence to brighten one's mood and get rid of tension. there's not much else to do when you don't have cable, cash or anything to do.

Current Mood: Bored.

Hurt.

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

This song is starting to make a Lot more sense to me, it has always resonated but after living my life and having this grand new adventure at work in which I am seeing the light and dark sides and all the shades of gray i am starting to realize how things truly work in this world i have chosen to make a carreer of... i see why things happened and the way the domino's fell for me and why, and i hopefully will make a diffrence in their lives just like some did the same for me, hopefully.

Current Mood: I have the day Off YIPEE!!!

Scar Tissue.

Sometimes it's interesting and revealing to see things with new eyes realizing how and why things are were the way that they used to be, some of my questions are getting answered being on the other side of the fence and some things aren't as cut and dry or as black and white as they once may have seemed, things i reigned in as abosolute belief are slowly changing and i am starting to understand why their are many shades of fucking grey. It's been interesting for sure.. starting to open up some old demons agian and understanding who and why i am who i am. more than anything I am complety understanding why my life and career paths are exactly what they are and have been.

Scar tissue that I wish you saw
Sarcastic mister know it all


Current Mood: Bitten.

All Nightmare Long

Nothing like early morning bullshit to brighten ones day. i have a headache and am less than amused by a huge amounts of time off yet i cannot make any plans becuase i may get called back into work. what a wonderful web we weave, don't mind me i'm just in a very bad mood today. Things were expected and unexpected and Interesting and anything could change on a moments notice and i would like a break, i love my job but at this pace i can see burning out and fading away very easily. there is an interesting balance as to what was and what is surrounding me... the unknown is confusing and a bright frightening but i face it head on waiting for tommrow.

Current Mood: Headache.

The Unforgiven.

New blood joins this earth
And quickly he's subdued
Through constant pained disgrace
The young boy learns their rules

With time the child draws in
This whipping boy done wrong
Deprived of all his thoughts
The young man strugggles on and on he's known
A vow unto his own
That never from this day
His will they'll take away

You labeled me
I'll label you
So i dub thee UNFORGIVEN

There are things in this world that have to come full circle and sometimes in an instant they end up making utter and complete sense. i am exactly where i should be right now and enjoying it belive it or it not. the one good thing about this job is the fact that i can be there and be so distant from any other issues in my life and have a total sense of understanding of what my clients are going through, it's interesting having the outlook i have and it assists me immesly having that knowledge..

Current Mood: Happy.

Something In The Way

It's been a moody morning, very interesting that i pick up the lastest tabloid hamiltonian gossip rag and look who's staring back at me, i am obsseded with this poetic nonsense about living hard, dying fast and living forever. i sometimes think that the way to the otherside is somehow in the altered state of being. some days it is simply clearer to just gaze into the void and wonder if the void will gaze back. i can see only reflections around me today and that makes me wonder, have i been so obsseded with things that don't really matter and will never bring true happiness.. or even possibilty.. i mean i went from wanting to be a writer and advocate to wanting to be jim morrsion and having crap poetry published. i have walked on the side of my demons and i see where that world leads... but i'm long past 27. i don't know what i'm thinking trying to destroy myself but there are some days in which i need and get a reminder that there is more to this world than me...

Underneath the bridge
The tarp has sprung a leak
And the animals I've trapped
Have all become my pets
And I'm living off of grass
And the drippings from the ceiling
But it's ok to eat fish
Cause they haven't any feelings

Current Mood: Hopeful.

Fear, Himself.

one wonders about himself and the cracks between himself when the weeaknesses are starting to show in a personal life and becoming uncontrollable... when someone is very right about something but i refuse to acknowledge it, that's not healthy. of course i have a destiny and winds of change will take me where they will. one day maybe soon a return to niagara is possible at the current moment i kinda of like it here, warts, demons and issues included. maybe i should take a step back and look at my actions as i can see my fears and my anger and all of my demons affect someone i care about, but it's real easy to run away when you see something you can't control or understand. i have been resitant to change by other than my own hand for years, the same goes for control, the minute someone tries to define me i define myself by being exactly what they think i am, and being very predictable.

Current Mood: you mean other than the hangover?

Squirtle, Squirtle, Squirtle....

Sometimes things are not as black and white as they may seem and my veiws on things are changing.. opinions and veiws are not being compromised but i am starting to see the reasons and the whys for my ways as well as for the ways of others that may conflict with my world veiw in terms of employment. little things like this morning make me grateful for what i have at home in terms of my well behaved if mischevious son and his playful nature that is never angry or intenionally malignant. i had a great weekend with him even if i am a little tired today, it's amazing how even when he tires me out all weekend i can go to work recharged and be ready to do my job. I miss him already.. He got a new pirate ship this weekend... we spent most of saturday building the flying dutchman and it only takes him 5 minutes to pull it apart... gotta love lego...

Current Mood: Needed.

Angry Agian.

...oh goodie the fucking bullshit games are back agian... wonderful... at least that way i can deal with my other pain and issues by having her there for me while i'm fuming at you... thank you for making a wonderful day even that more wonderful. Just when one thinks that you are coming around.. you go at take me apart once agian at all the fucking seems... their's a diffrence now... there is someone else... and she's here.. and about as confusing it is with her at least i know that she will never intentiolly hurt me and/or turn the knife or the screws into me the way you persist on doing... i am sick of your games... you know something yet you continue to play games to create issues.. nice to leave it to the last minute for a wonderful argument that's about to brew... but of course when dealing with a pyschopath that isn't me so what else is new?? i've been dealing with this shit for 9 years and only recently the unchosen path revealed itself to me and is making me regret some of life's decisions.. i will never ever fucking regret him but i regret you... i thought once upon a time in some damaged fairytale that i was your soulmate but my you were just the rebound girl that i focused all the emotions on.... great love of my life.. no great regret of my life... welcome to another weekend and another pile of fucking horseshit... it's probaly a good thing that i dropped in on my lawyer while i was in town however. have a wonderful weekend and go fuck yourself...


The more of you that I inspect
The more of me I see reflect
The more I try to read your lips
The more the mask youre wearing rips

Current Mood: Anger's always good.

Only the weak succumb to brutality

I have absolutely No idea what the next step is. i have been on the best footing of my life and very grounded for the last little while and then agents of choas start breaking that all down. i start missing places and people that should be little more than mist in the rear veiw mirror but i desperatley want to be around them agian,m y life is complicated but it's a good kind of complicated. granted i should have likely done the barbarian thing many moons ago and done or been whatever is expected but that's not me, i'd rather wait.. and wait.. and be patient.. and also confused. I can be the feirce warrior if that's whats needed but i am trying to figure things out in my own mind about everything right now, so many intangibles and factors that i am wondering where tommorow leads... i'm used to being alone and keeping people at an arms distance, it's a defense mechanism, and when one decides to invade that space violently and won't let go i am unsure how to handle it. i'm used to being the wrecking ball always being the one being in someone elses space positively or negatively. right now i just want to take a step back and look around. figuring everything out is easy, it just takes time.

I'm not looking back
But I want to look around me now
(Time stand still)
See more of the people and the places that surround me now
Freeze this moment a little bit longer
Make each sensation a little bit stronger
Experience slips away

Current Mood: regretful.

Aces and Eights....

one must understand the rules of the game in order to make gambles, you are as addicting as everyone of my other addictions that i have long ago admitted i have no control over other than by abstinence and staying away from them ...of course a little absinthe never hurt anyone either, but yeah tonight i wasn't ready, when you want to speak of mutually assured destruction i wonder if i am the one bringing you down. a lot has changed within my mind in a decade,some veiws and sentiments remain the same but there's still damaged goods there and i'm confused. a letter needs to be writtten not just to you but to a lot of people, hell i need to start writing the books i always talked about... sorta like that pipe dream university thing. have i become so secluded in mediocrity that i am no longer willing to take risks?

Current Mood: Wishes he'd taken the blue pill.

Endless Nights...

..and things continue to get interesting, sometimes i wonder what is going on around me. Am I just standing still? There are factors in this life i just don't understand or even claim to understand. things are happening and it's a good thing, sometimes a great thing but i still approach them with a feeling of apprehension, like i'm not sturdy on my own two feet. yes, indeed shit does happen, but as long as i face responsibilty and deal with anything as the need arises i should be fine, why the hell do i care so goddamn much, it's no longer about me, this whole path has never been about me.

Current Mood: Frustrated