Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Up Hill Battles...

2012-02-16T09:33:00.000-08:00

The battle from now on is an uphill battle, and the light at the end of it and some small victories appear to be seen. it will be a long process but it seems that the start of it has begun and a lot of the anger and hate of recent days is dissapainting... I am doing the right things and while i may piss some people off that is part of my nature, as long as the right people are getting pissed off and at the end of the day the ultimate goal remains the samethere is no reason for me to ever doubt myself or decide that i need to just walk away, i'm too strong for that.. standing my ground today and making sure that things are happening the right way for the right reason is All about who I am... in this game of lies it's going to come down to character and I know that I am one... but i also know I am a better one... and the thin threads around anothers are beginning to tear apart at the seams.... i just need to keep looking forward to the immidate goal... which is most important.

Current Mood: Positive.
The battle of life is, in most cases, fought uphill; and to win it without a struggle were perhaps to win it without honor. If there were no difficulties there would be no success; if there were nothing to struggle for, there would be nothing to be achieved.

Dead Man's Chest.

2012-02-15T07:52:00.000-08:00

...And the games continue to be played and the answer's are not forthcoming, all i see around me is a sea of red and hate and All i want to do is be done with it all, i can go back to Windsor and pretend the year is 2003 again, and just not give a fuck, this is the price i pay for being the person i always have been, It might have been better if i was a cold fuck and didn't give a shit.. I am slowly morphing back into that person, anger and hatred were always a driving force in my life and now it seems that Even with all my education and accomplishments i am no further ahead than i was 15 years ago... at least back then My life wasn't completely a mess, now i just sit around brooding angrily hating the world and patiently plotting revenge in a legal manner instead of doing what my heart really wants to do and abandon the cold logic and dole out the true consequences with my fists... but i have to be cold and unemotional, logic and the fact that i am the better person in the equation will be the true test of time, and she will fall, and she will show her true colors, this is only about one thing, and that's most important, and right now it feels like my heart has been torn out from me, but with every waking hour and every day that passes we only get closer to the inevitable victory.... and it's not a victory for me, but for him.... He needs his daddy in his life. Period.

Current Mood: Angrily determined.
What we need is hatred. From it our ideas are born.

Little Victories.

2012-02-07T08:01:00.000-08:00

it's not the biggest victory in the world but it is a minor victory that will lead to bigger and better things, and it shows that when i can put my mind to something i can accomplish it and sitting around surround by my apathy and depression are not always the best ways to deal with things, face i'm an asshole and I'm a fighter, I'd rather tackle something head on and fight and not really give a fuck what other people think of me, at this point of my life i have nothing to prove to anyone.. it's time to do what's right and to be the most viscous person in the world when it comes to accomplishing my goals... It's sad that i didn't sleep a lot last night because i was thinking about things and where i stood in this world, I fought for everything i have ever had, i fought to be in my program for college, i fought to stay in the program and get good grades and i had to fight to get to university and to find a good fucking job. I've had an ongoing battle since 2004 with one who has wounded me more than humanly possible and it's a never ending battle, but it is one I can never let her win.. If she defeats me she takes everything and I am so much without her than i ever was with her... she is not the person that defines my life, that little person is.. and as long as i have that until he becomes of age to make decisions for himself i have to the one looking out for his best interests because it's obvious she isn't....I have no problem being a solider, i always have been... this is war... and it's a war of attrition, one little victory on one day will lead to larger victory's on the battlefield, as long as i keep in mind who is most important i will eventually be fine.

Current Mood: Determined.
Rather he consoled himself with the fact that, in the real world, when he looked closely into the darkness he might find the presence of a light, damaged and bruised, but a little light all the same.

Darkest Hours...

2012-02-06T15:09:00.000-08:00

I am once again bored by the constant nothingness in my life, I know who and what has caused this massive amount of blackness in my life and I almost think that it is almost not worth it to fight things correctly... it would be so much easier to provide an answer with my fists or a weapon but then that would make me the weaker man, and that's not the person I am, I despise the fact that i have to bide my time and turn the other cheek and just wait, when what's left of my life is crumbling and In shambles, At least I have enough entertainment at home i can just fade a way for a few days, hours or whatever and pretend that the outside world doesn't exist, But then again I wake up every morning knowing that it's a new day and today nothing will change, I just have to wait for the morning when I know that their will be changes, and Judgement.

Current Mood: Angry.
There is darkness inside all of us, though mine is more dangerous than most. Still, we all have it—that part of our soul that is irreparably damaged by the very trials and tribulations of life. We are what we are because of it, or perhaps in spite of it. Some use
it as a shield to hide behind, others as an excuse to do unconscionable things. But, truly, the darkness is simply a piece of the whole, neither good nor evil unless you make it so. It took a witch, a war, and a voodoo queen to teach me that.

On Stranger Tides...

2012-02-04T12:13:00.000-08:00

Navigating the strangeness that is my life is not the easiest task in the world, i am still waiting On the next step but every day, tick tick tick the day of rdemption and the days of judgement are at hand, as long as i sit and wait and be patient one day all of these days will pass and one day things will go back to normal, I just need to remain positive and look out for the bright things in my life instead of constantly looking down a dark hole..

Current Mood: Bored.
The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who in time of great moral crises maintain their neutrality.

Dante's Inferno.

2012-02-02T15:21:00.000-08:00

The darkest places of my mind are often not somewhere i should be dwelling but it seems recently that these are the places that give me comfort and hope and they remind me that even in the worst of times i can escape from whatever demon is troubling me... I just have to wait and show the patience that i have always had. A quiet man plots quietly and doesn't make a sound. I am sick of the fact that all my forced upon me for conformity was for nothing, and the fact that All i have in this life that i have sacrificed for is temporarily gone... Of course all of those things are material there is only one legacy, one thing that will remain of me when I am gone... and he is worth fighting any demon and any battle... I just wish the road wasn't so goddamn Long.

Current Mood: Determined.
It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.

Damned.

2012-02-01T13:48:00.000-08:00

I did not choose this life, and it is not a life i would choose upon anyone, there are aspects of my life that suck and there are things beyond my fucking control but I know for every experience and every hurt That one day i will end up stronger because of it, all of my challenges, all of my experiences and all of the pain have made me a stronger more resolute man, and I will not back down from anyone... If i go out in a blaze of glory like billy the kid, that's fine.. i'm ready to meet my maker, personally i think he's afraid of me... when I get there there's a lot that he's got to fucking answer for, and i'll be well armed. At least if i'm going to hell, you're coming with me.

But I'm not ready Yet.
There are two things in this world that define me, one Most importantly Is being a father and that is not something you can ever take away, the other is being a Child and youth worker, and While you may be able to fucking stall me you can not destroy me and I will use everything I have to clear my name and make sure that it is you that is exposed and I get my life back on track, the wound cut's deepest because you knew exactly how to destroy me and expected me to slither away like the broken boy you once knew, here's the the thing.. i picked up all of my broken pieces a long time ago and made a jigsaw puzzle of myself, and this tattered mind is stronger because of it, nothing you can do can affect me anymore any more than a short term setback. We will see each other at a day of judgement, and you will the one cast to the ninth circle of hell. I hope you fucking enjoy it.

Current Mood: Sad.
Obstacles are like wild animals. They are cowards but they will bluff you if they can. If they see you are afraid of them... they are liable to spring upon you; but if you look them squarely in the eye, they will slink out of sight.

Hell Awaits II.

2012-01-31T14:18:00.000-08:00

I sit around tormented by my own demons and some of them are very real, very alive and both within me and without me... it saddens me when there are people and their demons in my life that i cannot control and the only true way to deal with any of them is to walk away, I have my own demons and issues within this fragile skull of mine to deal with, I have to focus on what's im[portant and not the lesser things as I have to be strong and destroy any doubts or failings of weakness inside my head, the days tick closer now, soon it will start to be judgement day, I have to prepare for the rest of what has become of my shattered life, some of the wheat on the chaff in my life will not like the decisions i make and they will not like where i go from here, but where I go is for my own purposes and it is for one reason only to make a better life for me and my child.... the only real question is how far down into the bowels of hell will i have to go before i reach my final destination... And if the one person formerly in my life that seeks to destroy me will continue to try to drag me down into her personal hell inside her mind, Like the phoniex i will always return to the battle and never give up, but sometimes i wonder if it's worth the effort when someone once close has betrayed me so constantly that i have little faith or value in the inherent idea that thei might still be some good in this world, and i consider resigning myself to my fate, but then agian, I'm better than that, and concepts of fate and destiny are not something i take into account, I have and always will make my own way, The only true fate is the one you make, Not the one people make for you.. I embrace my destiny like the cold hand of death, if only to control the next movement.

Current Mood: Determined.
There are two types of people who will tell you that you cannot make a difference in this world: Those who are afraid to try themselves, and those who are afraid that you will succeed.

My Enemy.

2012-01-30T15:23:00.000-08:00

You Know i can sit around brooding and not accomplish anything or i can take action and focus everything on what needs to be done.. i know that I have someone in this world that hates me very much and i can't change that but i can change the things that she has affected to the best of my ability...It's not about her anyways. I feel that evaluation of my contacts and loved ones is a continual process and i understand that some of the people i have held close for years might as well be left on the side of the road until they figure their fucking own shit out. I don't have time to keep looking backwards.. it's the past that constantly stabs me in the fucking back and get's used agianst me.. i have to take the first step and focus forward... there's only one thing that matters, and that's the only thing i should be focusing on.

Current Mood: Determined.
Above all things, never be afraid. The enemy who forces you to retreat is himself afraid of you at that very moment.

Off the Grid.

2012-01-28T12:05:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it's nice to just disappear for a few days and be completely Unreachable on the internet because i don't have access to a computer, It allows to me to gather my thoughts and just hang out, plus i had more important things to get done... Sometimes being disconnected is a good thing so you think, breathe and feel the world around you...sitting on a computer being distracted by the fact that their are many things in your life that you cannot control is not always healthy... If anything going to a friends for a few days has recharged my batteries and allowed me to feel better instead of sitting at home Angrily Brooding about people who I have lost faith in... I know who has my back.. and who only pretends to.

Current Mood: Determined.
Do not underestimate the determination of a quiet man.

The Void. (Into the Black.)

2012-01-23T14:02:00.001-08:00

My darkest moments and places i never imagined would be ever be like this. I am starting to make serious decisions about who and what I am and Who i am going to be.. last week was a revelation especially in the fact that some people will never change and hanging onto hope that the world will change for the better is a pipe dream. It's time to focus only on what is ultimately important and not depress myself to the point of not moving for an entire day because I can't feel a thing, I've often said it's better to be feared than Loved, and this is true.. but it's also better to be driven and angry than depressed and powerless. there is nothing that can stop me in this world and the more and more things i have taken away in the equation the angrier and more driven I become.. however I am not the only one who needs to make change in their life.. it would be very easy to fall into familiar patterns and go back to a way of life i have divorced myself from for many years... that being said Sometimes I wish some of the people around me need to also stop using familiar behaviors and using excuses for their actions, there is only one life time... you either live long enough to become the Villain or you Die a hero... the choice Is up to you... I know at the end of the day which way i'm going to remembered by most... can you say the same?

Current Mood: Depressed, Determined.
There is a difference between you and me. We both looked into the abyss, but when it looked back as us, you blinked.

The Abyss Stares Back...

2012-01-19T14:01:00.000-08:00

It's time for me to really stop not giving a fuck about things, I can't care or fucking feel about anything right now until this thing is over with, one of my closest friends i can't be around because i'm fucking poison to her? HI, you've already tore out the best parts of my heart and fucking soul... are you here to feed on the scraps now? there are days when I just feel like quitting, I don't know how much longer i can be this fucking strong... and it's even worse when something shitty happens right when i'm saying goodbye to her and her little girl.... I have my share of demons but why the fucking hell do they continue to chase me like a dog of Cerberus... I can't even find happiness for a few days and clear my head.... it's time for me to just accept my lot in life and fade away and not mean anything to anyone... Safer that way.

Current Mood: Very Sad, Very Angry and Very Depressed.
When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back into you ...

Princess Of Power.

2012-01-18T08:49:00.001-08:00

It's pretty cool I'm on my little visit and having a good time... the little man's cousin loves her little gifts and I'm glad that she does... hopefully next year both of them will spend part of Xmas together. it's nice to take these breaks from my stagnant normal life every once in a while because there is no point at sitting at home looking inward and self loathing, there is only so long that you can sit at home and brood about things that can't be changed overnight... at least a little bit of the light is seeping back into my life when i spend it away clearing my head.. and that beats the darkness...

Current Mood: Content.
How simple it is to see that we can only be happy now, and there will never be a time when it is not now.

Hell Awaits.

2012-01-17T10:34:00.000-08:00

The more i take action the more things start to unravel and i prove what i have been fucking saying all along... I will not back down and i will drag who i need to to the bowels of hell to get my life and family back... I don't have any more respect for the process but i am still enduring it to prove myself and to restore the little threads that are left of my sanity... I don't have any fucking time for anyone who is not standing beside me.. stand behind me or stand aside.. there is no other option.. it's time to destroy what needs to be destroyed and go on to the next stag of my life.. some things will be destroyed that should have been a long time ago and other things i have a scorched earth mentality to... there is no reason at the end of days for me to stay here in Hamilton... I was happy here but that time has long passed.... I have no loyalty to anyone that remains and even less to the person who i will drag to hell with me... it's never been about you, it will never be about you and as long as I draw breathe it will always be about him... of course i am not opposed to dragging you thru hellfire and brimstone because of him however... the Hell you make her is your own... I am only the facilitation of your own damnation...

Current Mood: Determined.
Maybe that's what Hell is. You go mad. And all your demons come and get you just as fast as you can think them up.

The Battle Begins...

2012-01-16T11:22:00.000-08:00

Today there is a little light at the end of a cold dark tunnel and the fact that this has came makes things much easier to bear, Esp. when the fact is the dark person in the equation has not even bothered to pick up Christmas gifts that were left out of nothing but caring and heart for my boy...In a Surprise to Almost No One She Didn't bother... it takes a pretty selfish fucking person to not pick up Christmas gifts for a child... But that's OK.. it goes to the black hole inside her heart and her soulless character... it is and never was about her..I did right By my son and I will always continue to do so.. i'm not the selfish one... but i will continue to fight for him until my dying breath... how does it feel when the walls are closing in and your every action backfires on you? it's not about who i was yesterday it's not about who I am today.. it's about Action... and never backing down... ever.

Current Mood: Angry and Determined.
Failure is often that early morning hour of darkness which precedes the dawning of the day of success.

Colder Still....

2012-01-14T12:26:00.000-08:00

I dislike the cold but it does match the nature currently of my frozen heart, I'm not much for feeling anything and every day currently is just going through the motions, their is a time and a place for action and that time is now but waiting on the bureaucratic is nonsense and I need to focus all my energies is positive areas lest i let my own inner turmoils and demons destroy me... All i can focus on right now is the void and on the rage and i'm not sure which path if chosen to follow will destroy me faster... i guess feeling nothing is preferable to feeling anything but I need to feel< i need to be driven and I need to be angry.... Nothing ever got done when i was complacent and I accepted that the world is the way it is supposed to be... we all make our own fucking destiny it's time i took mine by the hand and turned it into a weapon.

Current Mood: Depressed, Angry.
All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me... You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.

A Cold Day In Hell...

2012-01-09T17:02:00.000-08:00

This is the time of year that I hate the most especially when i have no motivations to go out and do anything, I end up sitting at home all day and playing video games and hating the world, not much different from the winter's of 05 and 06 in terms of self loathing and angry hate for someone who has wounded me. I know i shouldn't internalize but there is only so long one can play call of duty or watch television without letting emotions boil to the surface, the fact that I am bouncing off of walls to keep myself sane isn't helping either, at least in Windsor and Niagara I was driven i had purpose, i could deal with a cold day shut off from the world, I need to get away, i need to go home.. the longer i delay it the longer that day won't come... but first I have things to do and accomplish here, but then i get a day like today where nothing gets accomplished and feel like the useless wreck someone else wants me to be...

Current Mood: Depressed.
If you stand up and be counted, from time to time you may get yourself knocked down. But remember this: A man flattened by an opponent can get up again. A man flattened by conformity stays down for good.

The Anti-Christ

2012-01-07T11:42:00.000-08:00

If I am going to be accused of being the fucking Anti-Christ maybe I should act like one. I shouldn't give a damn about making a difference in this world and go back to not giving a fuck about anyone and go live on the streets and pretend that in my life i am nothing and that I will never accomplish anything, It's too fucking bad that I know that I am better than that, and No one can affect me.. you can only twist the knife and cause me paid, you cannot destroy me, there are murderous hell's i will endure before I will let anyone destroy me. My sole existence on this planet at this moment is for one thing and one thing only and I am not going anywhere, you can hate me, I don't care...I don't care what people think of me.. Love me, fucking hate me, you will respect me.. there's only a select few who i truly care about and the list of those that i love unconditionally is even smaller... However he is always going to be the number one on the top of that list... Say what you will about me... the fact that I will never back down or ever change or ever stop fighting is a concept lost on you.

Current Mood: Angry.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.

Battle Plans.

2012-01-05T12:10:00.000-08:00

There is no More time to do anything but engage in a full frontal attack using all of my resources and get what is needed to win the victory. It's time to be single minded and determined and not let any of my distractions affect me. I'm sick of waiting.. It's a new year and the days are ticking by it seems even fucking faster than before... it's time to get on the offensive and stay on the offensive... the only person that can ever really defeat me.. is me.

Current Mood: Determined.
There is no chance, no destiny, no fate, that can hinder or control the firm resolve of a determined soul.

Omens of War.

2012-01-04T09:19:00.000-08:00

It is time to stop drowning in my demons of apathy and despair and pretending like someone else is going to help me make change of my current fucking situation and instead tackle the Bitch head on with all of her sycophantic accessories to the fucking crime...the more I learn the more ammunition i have to turn against her and destroy her credibility the way they have destroyed mine without a single ounce of fucking proof...Trust in other's is overrated... it's time to take care of myself and my cub... this is not done in any malice or need for revenge, he is my cub and it should be in the child's best interests not the mother's manipulation of facts that she can use against me... I wish i could be half as selfish but i'm not... If i have to destroy myself to make sure that child is OK, I will take you down with me... their is no other option but the option to fight, it's all I have ever known, and now because of your actions it's all that child is going to know... good job... you can't destroy me but you have done a good job of breaking me down and taking every dream away....

Current Mood: Determined.
You can't break my spirit, it's my dreams you take..

Se7en

2011-12-31T10:21:00.000-08:00

It's been Seven years as of today and I can't feel anything more than what i felt for you 8 years ago... you are a non event in my life and nothing you can do to me will affect the way i feel about you... it's amusing to me to think back on things and relaize that your actions are the ones that are full of wrath and anger,.. i stopped caring about you a long time ago and now i am just driven to action because i have to be because of my child, but i do find it amusing... how much that you hate me.. and i wonder what I've ever done... because I could never hate you that much... I just don't give a damn about you... and that's the diffrence between us... happy new year... stay Miserable.. I won't.

Current Mood: Happy.
In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins, not through strength but by perseverance.

The Year Of Hell....

2011-12-30T11:27:00.000-08:00

One More day and this horrible year of Hell is over and in the ground. At least at the end of it I am hopeful for the future and I expect to see changes, I know where my supports are and the last week has been a very good place for me to clear my headspace and erase some but not all of the darkness hovering around me... my heart is warm and ia ppreciate those that care for me.. and while the blow has been softened for a week, there is still a missing component inside my heart... next year will be an effort, not out of anger or a lust for revenge, those are your vices not mine... to make sure something like this can never happen agian, My news year resolution is the same as it was 9 months ago... to never speak to you agian and have him back in my arms...

Current Mood: Determined.
Beware the fury of a patient man.

BOO....

2011-12-27T10:36:00.000-08:00

It's interesting to see two people who are very diffrent in many ways, having the same likes and mannerisms as each other. it's very cute and It helps remind me that somethings in this world are meant to be, and that there is a deeeper reason for everything in this world. i am enjoying my little vacation and my dark headspace is finally clearing for the first time in months. hopefully i can keep everything positive going into the new year...without any major roadblocks..

Current Mood: Happy.
The stop sign reminds us to slow our pace, take a moment's rest, and look around. Therein lies a whole philosophy of life.

BOXING DAY!!!!

2011-12-26T11:07:00.001-08:00

Just another day to chill with the people that matter the most... there is a little part of that equation missing but next year i will have fixed that.. it's not my selfishness that has caused that.. but it is nice to just chill out with family members and enjoy myself and not have a care in the world... Next week, after the new year i will go back to concerning myself with the important stuff, i'm enjoying my little vacation and I am really considering the fact that Maybe my place isn't in central ontario or Hamilton and that their are so many other places i could be... but then agian, there's only one thing keeping me in Hamilton and it's not a job or freinds.... I am kinda happy right now and that is not something I have felt for a while... being around my family... makes me feel warm.

Current Mood: Happy.
An invincible determination can accomplish almost anything and in this lies the great distinction between great men and little men.

HO HO HO :-(

2011-12-25T11:36:00.001-08:00

Even tho i am having a good time, there is someone missing here this year at Christmas, both in my heart and beside me. I am trying to focus and be happy none the less but sometimes having happy happy family just reminds me how lonely i am without my little person...a christmas like this will never happen agian.. I can't imagine how he must be feeling today.

Current Mood: Sad.
Christmas makes everything twice as sad.

Hollidaze

2011-12-24T08:43:00.000-08:00

You know i should be angry and feeling a lot of negative emotions right now, but i am not.. i am just sad..i AM VERY GRATEFUL FOR MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND I AM EVEN MORE GRATEFUL WHEN THEY GIVE ME THE SPACE I NEED TO CLEAR MY HEAD. when all i can see is people around me that love me and care about me, even the darkest days can not be the end of the line... It's just another corner in my life to turn, the only thing I am missing this holiday is my son, and I am sure the feeling is mutual... but I am working on changing that situation as soon as possible... for the rest of the people i actually need in my life, I'm going to have a happy holiday and trying and enjoy some of their brightness around my internal darkness.

Current Mood: Sad.
A collected poems' is either a gravestone or a testimonial to survival.

War Drums.

2011-12-22T09:37:00.000-08:00

You know while i may despair sometimes i know in my heart what is the truth and what is a lie and a game to another person, but to put my little person through what you are supposedly doing is inhumane and I have to wonder what kind of crack you are on.. to do this to him... do you actually think that i would go away after you have done this us? I think maybe you'd think that i would do something stupid... newsflash, i'm not going anywhere ever. I'm a Warrior... it's all i know how to be.. I FIGHT, I rebel. this battle isn't about me.. it's not about you It's about him... and it's a very dangerous game you are playing.... I am not going anywhere ever... I will outlive all of my enemies and conquer... I have no choice that's just the way i'm built... and i have patience.

Current Mood: Determined.
I had to fight all my life to survive. They were all against me... but I beat the bastards and left them in the ditch.

The Ultimate Battle II

2011-12-22T08:14:00.000-08:00

I came very close to ending my own life last night, There is so much I don't understand right now... and I cannot imagine what my little boy is going thruough, if i had a gun it would be minus a bullet right now.. and the world would be without one more poet.... Of course i don't have a gun.. so the point is moot... and other than the fact that suicide is the cowards way out, and I am no coward it doesn't mean it hasn't been considered, but what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, so Hulk Is the strongest of them all.... please inform me if i am turning green. I am getting to a point where it is becoming very difficult to deal with the world and my place in it... the fact is.. thanks to someone else's petty jealousy, greed and lust for revenge my place in this world is gone. one of the reasons i am going home to Windsor for a month is to recharge and go somewhere where i never needed you, there is a reason i call Windsor home. it is the only place i was ever comfortable in my own skin without someone like you dragging me down... of course you did anyways... STAY ANGRY.. one day you will regret it.

Current Mood: Depressed.
The angry people are those people who are most afraid.

The Ultimate Battle.

2011-12-21T14:07:00.000-08:00

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't do something stupid and turn this whole battle into a pyschial one. the things that you have said are so fucking disgusting and disturbing it's like you are reading out of a fucking manual on how to destroy someone... but guess what... due to circumstances i am the strongest motherfucking person i know and i will never fucking back down. the m,ore games you play and the more lies that are told the worse in the end that you are going to fucking look. this is a game just like evey other time... i just have to sit pateintly and wait for you to continue your fucking horseshit. while you do that i'll wait and bide my time... this is the biggest battle of my life and lo and behold look who i am having it with.... you are not worth my time and the more i read of everything the more i understand this is for revenge... something i can and will never feel for you... only because of him. that being said.. i will fight you until my dying breath... you have no right to do this to him.

Current Mood: KILL,KILL,KILL.
Revenge is a confession of pain

The Hope of Christmas Present.

2011-12-21T07:54:00.000-08:00

At least I have a small victory In the fact I am dropping off his gifts today.. at least he will get the things that have been bought for him.. I hope anyways... it's going to be a long and interesting day, and while i am somewhat disappointed in some things i can also see other things that i can do to make my life more positive.... It's telling when you are alone at the holiday who is around and wants you around and who doesn't. of course I'm used to this... it's not like i GIVE A DAMN...Come the new year i will be making some more changes to my life and anyone i deem expendable probably will be. whatever, Today i'm happy, but not as happy as i should be.

Current Mood: Determined.
She who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.

The Waiting....

2011-12-19T08:08:00.000-08:00

Today is going to be a long day that will strain my already infinitely small patience level to the brink... all i see and feel right now is anger and apathy, I just have to sit and wait and see what the next chess move is going to be.... i want to smash the board and change the rules but i know if i let myself be affected it is counterproductive and as long as i stay positive and think of him and the fact that one day, at the end of this.. there will be an ending... that is enough to keep my demons and and the angry and psychotic side of my dark personality at bay... it's better to keep my darkness under control lest someone use it to prove that I am whatever she says I am....

Current Mood: Determined.
When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.

The Bitch of Christmas Past....

2011-12-17T10:59:00.000-08:00

I am not feeling this Joyous holiday at all... All i see is darkness and Anger and the fact that I am standing still while the world moves on without me.... It's just another Christmas where I am going to be alone because someone that I once held dear is so full of anger and betrayal that all she wants to do is prevent me from being with the one person that I hold dearest.. but that's OK.. because i'll just celebrate my Xmas with him later.. hopefully some kind of detente can be reached in relation to his birthday and Xmas presents.. but I don't care... the more things happen and the more times that goes by.. when I sit and reflect on everything I am not the fucking person wrong in the equation... and history will prove this to be true... till then Bah Humbug... I'm miserable at Christmas every year anyways.... she's just making it easier this year to be.

Current Mood: Depressed.
Madness is the emergency exit. You can just step outside, and close the door on all those dreadful things that happened. You can lock them away... forever.

First Blood

2011-12-12T15:51:00.000-08:00

Nothing like a wonderful weekend of being sick and not feeling a goddamn thing, I am trying to retain the positivity from last week, after all i have a little boy who just turned 8 and even tho things suck i should be celebrating, all i am doing is being an insomniac and being frustrated. I have not been able to keep anything heavier than rice down for days, and the last fucking thing i need is someone complaining to me about their petty little issues that they themselves are responsible for, you think you have a shitty life, look at mine i have real world problems i have to deal with, here's a shovel, you are responsible for the decisions you make in your life, don't come crying and complaining to me.... I don't have fucking time for the drama in your life because I have enough of it in my life... you can have an argument... i'm fighting a war for my heart, soul and career.. i don't need your shit dragging me down, especially this close to the fucking holidays, sometimes people that are a part of my past need to be stay dead and buried in my past.

Current Mood: Sad, Depressed.
God would have mercy. He won't

8

2011-12-08T13:55:00.000-08:00

Another birthday for you tommorow, Holy Moly, 8 already, you are getting so big.... Daddy loves you so much, I know things are confusing right now but daddy is fighting very hard to make them change. just know this little man, I love you unconditionally and after all the anger and hurt is gone it's still going to be you and me...I Hope you have a good birthday, i wish i could be there.... there are some gifts from daddy here and Santa will still visit too... But we might have to wait a while... I'll make sure that you get your birthday cards soon. I love you.

Current Mood: Happy 8th Birthday tommorow Joshua.
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy.

Fear Itself

2011-12-07T13:03:00.000-08:00

I'm still angry, but I am very aware of How much you fear me and how I can use that to my advantage, It's better to be feared that loved, and I for one do not Fear you and I never have, I fear the damage you are doing, but In terms of intimidation that's a one way street, you're decision to go unrepresented is a great idea and one I applaud as that will make it so much easier to expose you, it will take longer but It will prove your character to all parties involved. you're credibility is already shot, and the long you try and draw this out the longer you will lose even more credibility and i will be eventually vindicated. Unlike you who decided to announce your whole flawed Strategy plan in a open setting, I am keeping my cards very fucking close to the vest, and i assure you, if you are afraid now, you have no idea what ghosts i will dredge up from your past to haunt you, I have the upper hand and you know it, and I have had for quite some time.... you are afraid, and I am not... And that Gives me a Power you can never and will never hold over me.

Current Mood: Determined.
You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you.

Round Two.

2011-12-07T07:15:00.000-08:00

Actually it's more like round fucking seventeen, more of the same usual hysterics and nonsense from the opposing party... I cannot believe her fucking manipulative bitch ways.. it took all my manhood and all my strength not to go all Hannibal Lecter on her today and eat her fucking heart... the only problem with that is I am not entirely convinced she has one...I cannot believe i once referred to that disgusting sow as the love of my life. all she has ever wanted to do is take my heart and soul and destroy it, If I'd walked away she wouldn't have had that opportunity but of course I'm not like that... you want to get rid of my beating heart, and everything i feel.. you'll have to fucking kill me... until then I am going to use every fucking resource i have and never Fucking stop fighting, the saddest part is what Friday is, but of course, I'll still celebrate... the countdown begins to 8 to ten years till he can make his own decisions and decide for himself what kind of a black hole she is... and Ten years from Now, i will still be there to answer all of his questions.

Current Mood: Very, Very Angry.
Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat.

Dark Days

2011-12-06T13:04:00.000-08:00

Why does it seem that even the darkest of my days in Windsor and other places that I always had hope and that this is the first real time I am starting to looking into the void and see the sum of my life that has always been predetermined by others staring back at me.. and there is nothingness... I am not the sum of my life's experiences I am merely a broken vessel shaped by others.... Welcome to the Matrix.. there is No control... I have constantly had my life's choices dictated to me by other's and anytime i try and take the power of my destiny back other's attempt to destroy me... I have been down before but it seems recently I am constantly down... The lack of sleep, the anger, the depression that nightmare dreams.... all of this haunts me.. the little bit of positivity I CAN PRODUCE only goes in one direction and One cause... And it's time for me to step up my fucking game on that matter, this will be yet another birthday and Christmas I miss, another cherished moment that's been taken away from me but some other person's machinations but that doesn't matter because I'm not important.... But before I go and do something Stupid... even if it's as simple as dropping off gifts, I'm going to make sure that I am perfectly able to do so.... I do not want to get into a fight because all the controls on my anger and temper have been selectively removed and my barriers of resistance have been broken down... I am a broken man and I have nothing left to lose.. so consider yourself lucky i do not act upon my more angry impulses.

Current Mood: Angry, Depressed.
You can not kill what you did not create.

Why are so few of us left active, healthy, and without personality disorders?

More Stall Tactics.

2011-12-05T14:16:00.000-08:00

The patience level for things is not very high right now, and it's not going to be any clearer come tommorow or wednesday.. it's time to light a fire under some people's asses. As sick of fighting as am i know that i have to continue to fight and battle because without that I am nothing and the darkness that prevails in my life wins... I'm not happy that my life is this way, but it has made me a warrior and a fighter and I am not someone that will ever fucking back down. time to prove that to some people.... and let the chips fall where they may.

Current Mood: Sad.
It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get up.

Fight one more round. When your arms are so tired that you can hardly lift your hands to come on guard, fight one more round. When your nose is bleeding and your eyes are black and you are so tired that you wish your opponent would crack you one on the jaw and put you to sleep, fight one more round ? remembering that the man who always fights one more round is never whipped.

Fake Friends.

2011-12-03T12:48:00.000-08:00

I am getting a little sick of being judged and losing so called long time friends because I don't always agree with them or their lifestyles or personalities, I have something more important to protect than being the drunk asshole on the corner playing guitar these days. if i don't agree with your lifestyle, behaviors or actions I am going to mention something about, Esp. if that particular behavior Involves me or someone around me... or could cause drama or harm to that person around me... everyone makes their own decisions in this life, but when you affect others sometimes you have to be pushed to the wayside.. for the friends that have left because you can't handle me that's fine too.. i'm the same person i ever was, and I won't change.. you either like me or you don't.. accept me for who i am and what i stand for unconditionally or fuck off.. I'm not going to change to please anyone, I just get darker and angrier the more people i see who say they are my friends and support me but when the going get's tough.. they just get going.. like cowards.... I may be many things.. I am not a coward... and this is a war I'm fighting... Stand behind me or stand Aside your choice. Just don't lie about it.

Current Mood: Annoyed.
War is a poor chisel to carve out tomorrow.

Queen of the Reich V

2011-12-01T12:48:00.000-08:00

the patience level for everything that has happened this year and certain people involved in the case are completely NIL. I should be looking forward to the new year with anticipation for the holidays instead of dreading spending any time with anyone because a significant part of my soul and personality is missing, I'm sick of the fact that someone thinks so highly of her self and so low of me that she has to treat a child like a possession and play dangerous games just to destroy me. What doesn't kill me will make me stronger, and you probably should not injure what you cannot kill. I am once again stuck under multitudes of legal nonsense and red tape that accomplishes nothing in the end, because this will happen again and again and again, i just wish he didn't need to suffer through it as much as he has... it's never been about me and you, it's never going to be about me and you... the day you realize is the day you will realize what you have left behind... and the longer you play games esp. with the legal system and the child welfare system is going to create a paper trail, and one day I will show him.... and he will understand... and hate you for it... because i am never fucking going away.

Current Mood: Angry.
None of you understand. I'm not locked up in here with you. You're locked up in here with me.

Infinities.

2011-11-28T11:52:00.000-08:00

You know even in my saddest days it's not me I'm thinking about, But instead i am wondering... What the hell is that little boy feeling, how confused he must be and Why would his mother do this to him, Maybe one day all of our questions will be answered but i have this weird feeling like everything else in the one sided relationship i had with his mother, all questions will be left unanswered except the ones she can dictate to him. She wants control she can have it... I'm never going to try controlling anyone, least of all my own son... one day he will figure her out and all the damage she has caused....and that will be vindication enough... I guess.

Current Mood: Sad, Determined.
Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.

Brutal Planet.

2011-11-26T12:35:00.001-08:00

There are days when i am reminded of little things that mean a lot to me and i get very sad with all the nonsense in my life, I still push forward but some days like today, especially on a weekend where it is getting very fucking hard to do so.. i know one day that their will be an end to this dark tunnel and I will eventually see some daylight, but Today... I'm just not seeing it. at least i got to see an old friend, and she made me smile.

Current Mood: Tired, Sad.
You know the real meaning of PEACE only if you have been through the war.

War Manifesto V:Endgame.

2011-11-24T11:55:00.000-08:00

I know that the time is getting closer and it's time to start making further preparations to change my life and the current circumstances. I can't deny my life has been toxic to those around me.. but the real people that are still standing tall at the end of the day are the ones that matter... and anyone that can't be bothered to stand behind me... can fall down by the wayside and be forgotten. It's time for this pain and anger and hatred to end.. i'm not the one hurting the most out of this, i'm not doing this for revenge or anything.. there is only one important factor here.

Current Mood: Determined.
Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime.

Modern Warfare 3.

2011-11-23T15:02:00.000-08:00

I'm fucking done waiting around waiting for things to be handed to me without effort. I cannot let order be the apathy be the order of the the day, it's time to get my child and my life back. I have worked too fucking hard to let the world silently destroy me because of my lack of action, there is only so long i can sit around at home and wonder what might have been. i am a man of action and anger and I am not one to sit around and not do anything, it feels for the last few months i have been silently brooding, waiting for something to change... well fuck that.... it's time for me to make it change... Any means necessary.

Current Mood: Determined, Angry.
In war, there are no unwounded soldiers.

Modern Warfare II.

2011-11-21T10:18:00.001-08:00

It's time that i start being proactive with all aspects of everything going around me and start brining an iron hand down on things that are out of my control that I can start to control, I am beyond fucking pissed off and waiting on someone to do nothing and being patient is no longer working. Fuck Defense, it's time to a more vigorous offensive strategy. It's time to push people, I'm sick of being pushed it's time to push back. it saddens me that some of my demons i have kept bottled up for so longer might as well should have not been left buried, it would have been better to be the feral street kid that i never really let go of until i met the psychotic in st. catherines and tried to better myself, A less trusting more street hardened warrior would have never trusted a woman like her. It's time to use all available weapons i have available to me to mount a counter offensive and start taking the battle to her.. I will use all the knowledge in this big brain of mine to attack her and clear my name, i'm not going to continue to sit still and have people that think they are better than me make all the decisions... it's time for me to take control of every aspect of this thing.. it's already out of control and like a bleeding artery it's flowing like a river of blood.... It's time to stop the bleeding. The longer I let other people control this the longer i will be waiting... I'm sick of fucking waiting.

Current Mood: Angry, Determined.
It is fatal to enter any war without the will to win it

Weapon X

2011-11-19T12:40:00.000-08:00

It's time to focus and deal with shit instead of sitting around in the dark and being alternatively angry and depressed. I am a fist and I need to start smashing things to make change and force people to do things that are needed instead of being fucking patient and expecting them to just happen. there's no point in the longer waiting to hope everything will be alright, when the reality is the fact that things will not be alright the longer I let things just simmer below the surface, It's time for a reckoning and it's times for the things and people that are wrong to be proven that they are wrong and it's time to take my fucking life back.

Current Mood: Angry.
Life doesn't run away from nobody. Life runs at people...

Age of Apocalypse

2011-11-17T12:54:00.000-08:00

There are days when you can literally not feel anything. I am sick of sitting around and not feeling a damn thing, I would rather be motivated by anger and depression than not motivated by anything, I did not see myself being 35 and desolate, I might as well be living on the streets and not giving a damn about myself, I saw some old friends from my old life recently and I honestly wonder what's so great about my life that I left that all behind.... Sure I don't miss the jail and the starving everyday parts, but what have i really accomplished by going to school and attempting to start a better life for myself... Instead I'm guilty of something I haven't done and I have lost everything, My world is more than a little bleak, it is complete darkness... and it's going to stay that way for a while.

Current Mood: Nothing... at all.
Honour the dead but Fight like hell for the living.

Days of Future Now.

2011-11-15T12:39:00.000-08:00

I am seriously Considering being a little more militant in the things that i believe in this week and attending something for Kids in care in queens park. i have submitted my unpublished essays and i have some intention of going to queens park to be a voice for the voiceless. even tho i have personal turmoil i almost wonder if it's worth it for me to still battle for the rights of others when it seems my own personal life is approaching destruction, of course all i need to do is see the eventual day i will be vindicated and continue to make steps towards that resolution, the only person that can truly defeat me is me... and that is never going to fucking happen.

Current Mood: Determined.
This is the strangest life I've ever known.

Days of Future Present.

2011-11-14T12:38:00.000-08:00

I am very lucky to have very supportive and loving people in my life and sometimes i think that i don't deserve to have those people in my life... but I know that in times of strife and fucking war that these people will stand behind me even when I am staring into the darkness and it is close to overtaking me, for that I thank you, you people know exactly who you are, the more i sit and swell and brood on things i also realize that this was done because of a back door to a police enforceable order and it is a way of eliminating me from the picture, there is only only problem with the situation, A judge is going to see that and realize she's just playing games, that's all she did in my relationship with her anyways, this weekend made me realize how much my family means to me and how much of an attack this is on them as much as it is on me, there is no reason why my life should be this way, I worked too fucking hard to achieve my goals for some selfish bitch to destroy them.

Current Mood: Happy.
what was that about? you don't care if you live or die? If I kill them first . . . not really

Days Of Future Past.

2011-11-12T11:35:00.000-08:00

You know it's not surprising the old security blanket, the Cobian jacket has come out of the closet once again in all this nonsense for days I go busking, It reminds me, that as much as i have tried to be for the past decade what counts as fucking baseline normal, i'm not, the normal guy never got the girl, the normal guy never had the fire in his eyes to fight back, what got me through college and my first two years of university wasn't the normal guy, I was hungry for revenge, I was hungry for change, back then i wanted to make change, I allowed myself and the people around me to shape me, make me a shadow of what I once was, would the pre-94,98/99,and 2002/3 versions of myself consider the person i was the last few years as anything more that a fat bloated sell out, I changed because OF A PERSON I NO LONGER HAD BUT ONE CONNECTION too. and there was no reason for the change, I stayed at a shit job, because i figured it was the one thing keeping her at bay.... but of course, all I was really doing was selling my soul for peanuts for the Inevitable day the end came, I think this was always a game-plan.. and it's like a nuclear holocaust to my life, I will survive it, for the sake of myself, my soul and My son i will survive it, but once again the battle has left me scarred and Angry.... this is a damn good thing, I'm hungry again, there's a fire in my belly again, sometimes starving has a very good reaction on you, it makes you think.. it makes your senses sharper, I see things with a new/old set of eyes, No longer will i sit around and let myself just be comfortable. there's too many things that are unjust in this world... it's time to attempt to change them agian, I'll start with the personal.....

Current Moood: Anger.
Once a man has seen society's black underbelly, he can never turn his back on it. Never pretend, like you do, that it doesn't exist

Savage Freedom

2011-11-10T16:49:00.000-08:00

I know that I am an asshole and I can be a jerk, but I also know that their are reasons for my actions and I don't treat maliciously unless they have given me a damn good reason.... I'm am sick of watching the world spin without me.. and I am sick of the fact that I am in a downward spiral out of No fault of my own... for my friends that are around thanks, for the ones that ain't Fuck you. for the Psychotic in St. Catherine's, I hope you DIE!!!! I was good enough for you to fall in Love with twice but not good enough for you to stick around? yet out of some sense of misguided revenge years later you plan to destroy all that I am? The last six months have been a trial by fire, and I truly appreciate who I am, the fact that I will not retreat when I take a stand and all of my friends and Social Supports that stand behind me, Instead of the ones that fell by the wayside because their own interests Came first.... Here's a toast to my former Employer for being such Stand UP members of Corporate Society... Not. When this is all Over their Are people that Deserve to be Remembered and their are a lot more people that deserve to be forgot. I'm always going to be the person I am and no one can change that, and No one should even try. you Will fail.

Current Mood: Apathy
Fake friends are like shadows: always near you at your brightest moments, but nowhere to be seen at your darkest hour.

Dark Empire.

2011-11-09T09:28:00.000-08:00

What Defines me? Is it my actions? Or is it the fact that my upbringing sucked? once upon a time i was defined as many things, A former crown ward, a street kid, a teacher, a child and youth worker, a father, a partner, and an asshole. None of it matters because at the beginning and end of every day all I am is a product of the system, Once a long time ago between 1997 and 2002 that was fuel. I had move past that at one point i had thought, But of course not because the longer I sit around and try to improve my life the More the system wants to drag me down into Dante's inferno... My accomplishments are meaningless as long as my past is more important.... Today, This week, I change that.

Current Mood: Determined.
The only crime I been convicted of is fighting; getting into a fight with my fears.

War Manifesto IV.

2011-11-08T12:24:00.000-08:00

Another day of going through the motions towards a resolution, but today advances me a few steps more forward to the actual end of this battle. One more thing i'm required to do for the courts is done, and while it was boring as fuck.. it's done. as i sat in the courtroom i recollected all the things i had done and felt stronger about what i'm going to do.. there's no reason for me to have any remorse or regret about her, and there's no point dwelling on it... i've already made a vow to myself never to speak to her agian, and while i may be angry there's no point in ever allowing her to have any space in my emotions agian. it's time to be cool and hard and cunning like i know how to be. i've turned into her instead of being compassionate and having feeling and trying to feel what she feels, but right now, if i have to hate to bring forth the anger then let it be. it's better than feeling nothing. The process has begun and it is fueled by a lot more than anger, i just have to remember that and the fact that their are people that stand behind me every second of the way. Reading that my name means the people's victory today is a little more light shined upon me as well.

Current Mood: Determined.
Wars come and go, but my soldiers stay eternal.

Descent.

2011-11-07T09:54:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it's easier to let the darkness creep in and overtake you or have the Void in your life complete embrace you and draw you down... I'm not that person, Yes I am getting Angreier and progessively darker towards my outlook on the world recently. But I am not dwelling on small things like some so called freinds that are pissing me off. I may hate the world, women and everything in it.. But i have some very valid fucking reasons for doing so.. Seeing freinds Whining about the situations they put themselves in like it's the end of the world, is a fucking joke... I cannot do anything about my situation because i am not the vindictive asshole that started that process, But I am fighting a war on 2 fronts for both the future of my child, my relationship with him and My soul. when i hear someone complaining about their pathetic little life and going woe is me, I'm going to harm myself because of fucking woman you've known a few days, It is increasingly clear to me that the bounds of freindship are straining and the fact that you are probaly not someone i need in my life and are becoming excess baggage, I know i'm empathetic and I feel for people more than i should, but i am starting to put up a fucking ice wall around myself and the people i truly care about because their are too many fairweather freinds of mine where the fact that I will Support them in time of need only goes one way.. the last few months have been very clear to me that i have way too fucking many fairweather freinds... and the fact that I am looking inward and I am deciding what to do with the rest of my life has me considering who is the wheat and who is the chaff. I know part of it, a lot of it actually has to do with Hamilton and after this victory has been won that may change as well, as I have no real ties here and there is no point in pretending that i do. but there are people i claim to be freinds with addiction issues and no real respect and are just Users and hanger's on.. at this point in my life... those are the kind of freinds I no longer need.... same as which any so called freinds that have not been supportive throughout this ordeal, my social group is changing and a Lot of people that once called themselves freinds are or soon will no longer be that.

Current Mood: Angry.
Some people protest carrying signs. Some people protest by making activist radical music. Sometimes people try to just make it through a day and not kill themselves, and that’s their activism for right then, because that’s all they have.

Sentinel Prime.

2011-11-05T12:53:00.000-07:00

I have to start being positive and keeping the fires stoked and getting things done, I went for lunch with my sister today and wandered around toys r us, sometimes it's not worth always staring into the darkness, sometimes you have to let the sunshine come into your life and focus on the things that need to be done.. wallowing in anger, depression and despair will only turn inward... and I need to focus that energy outward so things get dealt with.

Current Mood: Positive.
The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed.

A little less Empty.

2011-11-02T12:20:00.000-07:00

Nothing like having a great time with people i consider family and just hanging out and doing the trick or treat thing and then just chilling all day.... I'm pretty happy and positive right now and the darkness isn't creeping back in yet, it was a good idea to get away and I am seriously considering leaving Hamilton at the end of this ordeal as I am a different person when I am elsewhere, it's somewhat obvious to me that a dark cloud hangs over my head living here, but right now there's no dark cloud because a little fairy princess says to me as i'm getting to leave yesterday... "i'm gonna come visit so your House isn't empty." made my day and probably my month... it's nice to know with everything going on that there are people that care about me and that even a little person who has no idea of the darkness in this world and what I'm dealing with is thoughtful enough to say that to.. sometimes a little sunlight does shine through. My heart, my head and my house are a little less empty today.

Current Mood: Happy.
The soul is healed by being with children.

Darth Bones.

2011-11-01T07:19:00.001-07:00

I had an awesome night last night and it was great to spend some time with a little pumpkin, I am reminded of all my good qualities and I am legitimately happy which is rare these days. sometimes just getting away for a day is all that is needed. maybe i should go to windsor and get away this month while the weather is good. It's nice to not have this perpetual darkness over my head and a smiling happy face is all that's needed to do that some times.

Current Mood: Happyish.
The force is strong with this one.

Samhain.

2011-10-31T11:30:00.001-07:00

it's not going to be the same as last year but hopefully it's a happy memory for someone else anyways, at least i am hoping so... i think it's so mean that this is yet another year i won't be sharing this with my son, because it's obviously a chore for her and she detests the fact that me and him find it fun and i am willing to go the extra mile and dress up as one of his favorite things.... guess what, this year i'm doing it for another loved one to ease the sting.. and you can't stop me from doing it.... but when it comes to destroying my relationships not involving you, you can't.. they are and I am stronger than you... So i'm going to be happy and spend time with an oldest friend and take someone else trick or treating, but if i had my way, my little man would be making this trip with me.

Current Mood: Sad.
The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but rising every time we fall.

Optimism.

2011-10-29T11:48:00.000-07:00

Today is one of those days where while there are a lot of things that bother me in this world, and there are indeed a lot of fucking assholes out there walking around on this planet, sometimes a little light can shine thru... maybe for a few days i can escape all the apathy and pain and depression and go have fun with the oldest friend, but it doesn't compare to having my little sidekick going with.. those two are little peas in a pod and I know when i get there that she is gonna to miss him and that sucks.

Current Mood: Hopeful.
For myself I am an optimist - it does not seem to be much use being anything else.

Stalemate.

2011-10-27T09:58:00.001-07:00

It's not so much the waiting that does me in but the fact that day after endless day nothing seems to change and it seems like I am retreating every time just to keep exactly what I have. the world seems to me like a giant ashtray and i can't see past tommorow but I know I have been down before and One day i will be able to overcome this and i will remember it for what it was.. another challenge in a lifetime of challenges... this isn't one i created but it one i will defeat. i can only let her venom sting me as long as i want it to.. one day when this is all said and done their will be a reckoning and it will not come from me.... when i lose hope, when i stare into the void and think that I'm going to embrace the darkness, it pays to remember that.

Current Mood: Angst.
I feel as if I were a piece in a game of chess, when my opponent says of it: That piece cannot be moved

Rusting Pieces.

2011-10-26T07:17:00.001-07:00

Another day and i still find my patience is being tested by the abject failure of nothing, I need to overcome this apathy and anger and turn it into something positive or i will end up staring very deep into the darkness and it will overwhelm me and i will turn cold and black hearted and it will affect everyone around me. I have to make sure that i never fall that dark and deep into depression that i lose focus of what's at stake and what needs to be done... No matter how much i'm hurting i know there is someone out there that is probably hurting a lot more... and that's not fucking fair to him. for his sake i have to be the strongest man i know, and you know something... whatever she does to me that doesn't kill me.. will make me stronger.

Current Mood: Still depressed.
Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath.

War Manifesto III

2011-10-25T10:54:00.000-07:00

There are days when I find it very hard to get up in the morning and force myself to feel anything.Today is one of those days, I know that i have shit to do and accomplish and all i want to do is sit around and accomplish nothing and stop giving a fuck about the world. I can't feel a goddamn thing but anger and hatred and while i know in my mind that these are not positive emotions i still feel them, and i am starting to hate and loathe everything. all i can do is focus on the upcoming battle and watch the days slowly move past as nothing fucking changes. I can't see a future because all the promise that i had s gone... it's time for me to mean, it's time for me to be viscous and unrelenting.. it's time to fucking serve her with the exact same degree of injustice she has served to me. my life is currently pointless and i can't feel a damn thing, yet she has done this to me purposely.... out of hate and revenge... i don't know what i ever did... but I do know when this is all over, i will make her fucking life Hell.

Current Mood: Angry.
Those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply; those who want to deny the world must have once embraced what they now set on fire.

The War Manifesto II

2011-10-24T08:00:00.000-07:00

Thoughts are Done being collected and The time to start with offensive fucking actions is now. there is no reason for me to wallow in depression and pain all weekend long and just feel like the hurt is never going to end. I am stronger than this and I will survive. I know who and what I am and there is no reason for me to see the darkness. it's time to take everything that has been thrown at me over this year of hell and turn it back on the ones that have caused it. I have enough to say and i am good enough advocate for me and my child that it is time to prepare to do war. there has been a lot of saber rattling and a lot of intimidation, None of it coming from me... don't get me me wrong i know how to be intimidating, but it will be my actions and not my words that win this battle... as long as i hold my head up high and don't descend to your level I will eventually see the right outcome. it's sad that everything recently has more to do with your hate for me, and i suspect your own inner hatred of yourself than it has do with anything else, let's play the game... right now it's a stalemate...but in Chess... which i taught you how to play... i always go until the checkmate... you gotta kill the king or be killed by his forces...I taught you that... and this is one King you can never destroy.... not until my dying and final breath. I won't stop fighting for what I believe and who i care about.

Current Mood: Determined and Depressed.
I will permit no man or woman to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate them.

The War Manifesto.

2011-10-18T08:43:00.000-07:00

The End Begins, It's time for the games to fucking stop, for Once you do the unpredictable thing and get a lawyer but predictably you didn't bother with the other thing expected of you.. of course we are not surprised. There is/was a reason i was waiting till today to write the letter and Now I have a little more ammunition to use to prove who I am and what I'm not... It's going to be very interesting to watch you in court seeing how you make my stubbornness look agreeable... but it's not about you or I is it.. It never has been, i wonder how much you will cry fucking pauper this time around, even tho for the short term you have destroyed my fucking career, trust me I will be using my resources and my family and friends to prove the kind of man I am... and I am not what you are pretending me to be. It's not enough to take my education, or for me too wallow in poverty for 2+ years in Niagara.. Once i made something of myself in the world you decided you would take my career. I'm here to serve fucking notice, that predates you... and as much as i love my my son, my job is the sole existence of my soul and the only way i know how to provide a living wage for myself so i will fight you for both till my dying breath. there is nothing that matters to me more in this world and you know that you spent all that time with me when it was pure and not when it was an emotion sought after by nostalgic emotion... I should have left you rot in 2003 when i left you. You brought nothing to my life except that smiling baby boy. The only reason you are a factor in my life at this point is because we share a child together, and I will prove that I would never do anything to him to ever hurt him... I'm not cold and vindictive and evil like you are. Is there anything left in your cold black heart other than the anger and hate you have towards me? I'm glad that you finally managed to eradicate any other emotion from me towards you, I'm very happy to fuel the fire of hatred with my emotions at the moment. I will never speak to you agian except thru legal fucking counsel. I can no Longer feel a goddamn thing for you but pure red rage, and black hate. Never in My darkest days would i imagine you would stab me in the back this foul, but given your character and your materialism it always should have been expected... But then again you are very fucking aware of my character and You know I don't leave things half done...and I don't back down from anyone, Ever. This is just another battlefield, another endless war to be fought... and Won.

Current Mood: Angry, hurting, sad, Determined.

Those who ignore history's lessons in the ultimate folly of war are forced to do more than relive them ... they may be forced to die by them.

Collecting my Thoughts.

2011-10-12T10:44:00.000-07:00

It's time for wastefulness of the tired tragedy of the last six months to end, i am in the process of writing the war manifesto and collecting my thoughts into one single cohesive weapon to be used against those who have wronged me and to prove exactly what is right and wrong in this world... it was nice to spend the weekend around family and it did help to lift my spirits but it also confirmed my resolve to have an ending, i can't wait any longer to regain my life, I can't sit by painlessly and pretend everything is alright in this world, with myself, with my son, within the system i work in, Once i am vindicated and my name is clear i will have some tough choices to make both personally and professionally... there are other options out there, maybe with the shock to the system the last six months has been it's time to analyze some of them and deal with them, i can't be frustrated constantly by the fact i went to school for a better life and that has in the short term of the year 2011 backfired spectacularly because one person holds a grudge and is wanting to control me years after the fact, any one that truly knows me knows that No one will ever control me... and Anyone that Knows how and Why I grew up the way I did Knows why.

Current Mood: Militant.
Did you think to kill me? There's no flesh or blood within this cloak to kill. There's only an idea. Ideas are bulletproof.

War Journal

2011-10-09T09:38:00.001-07:00

There is only so much patience i can have at this point and the fact that i am sitting down to thanksgiving dinner tonight minus one very important member of the family is very sad... this is the second major holiday and the entire summer of hell was a waste.. It's time to stop riding waves of apathy and pull myself up by the bootstraps, strap on some ammunition and go after these fucking assholes full tilt, I gotta quit thinking about doing something and actually do something.. the longer i wait the easier it will be for others to continue to destroy me... it's time for action. i'm sick of feeling all this painb when i should be happy, i've worked hard i deserve to be happy instead of having the same person constantly shoving the knife into my back each time picking a diffrent rib until she get's to the heart.

Current Mood: Angry.
You can chain me, you can torture me, you can even destroy this body, but you will never imprison my mind.

Black Ops III

2011-10-06T15:55:00.000-07:00

I'm sick of sitting around and waiting for the end to come, it's time for me to take charge of my life and retake control.. I am starting to see a lot of people for exactly what they are and I am starting to figure out what is in my best interest... battle lines are drawn and I will fight this battle with my dying breath as hard as i can possibly battle.. but when a million questions are to be raised and it just makes my resolve against the system stronger it's time to make sure i'm not the only person listening.

Current Mood: Angry.
We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.

Black Ops II

2011-10-04T01:15:00.000-07:00

I am sick of playing Spy vs. Spy agianst what is essantantly an invisible enemy that does not care about me or my child, nothing is going to happen for 2 more weeks, so i am sitting around and brooding... in a perfect world this would still be 2002 and i would still be in Windsor and i would have left better off alone and never said goodbye, it would have left her wondering and the pain would still be there, but she wouldn't have had something to destroy me with and she could have died alone and a spinster all on her own... Why do people seek to pull other people down into their misery? isn't it better to be alone than to bring someone down to your level.. the only fact being is that a day will come, this will be remembered but i will rise above it and remeber, as i have been so recently reminded, This will always be a war.

Current Mood: Depressed.
A lie is a lie. Just because they write it down and call it history doesn't make it the truth. We live in a world where seeing is not believing, where only a few know what really happened. We live in a world where everything you know is wrong.

Black Ops.

2011-10-03T16:50:00.000-07:00

There comes a time in ones life when there is a place he can no longer stand to hide behind all the lies and half truths of the system, It is time for some changes to be happening and while it is currently both political and personal for me the longer i sit around and dwell on my experinces the darker it makes me.. i can only stay as angry as i am and play shadow games with the people for only so long... it's time for me to pretend like I give a damn and put some thing's into motion. it's time I fight back.. with laser precision.

Current mood: Determined.
We are all pretty bizarre, some people are just better at showing it.

A New Kind Of Evil.

2011-10-02T00:26:00.000-07:00

I have always tried to use my darkness to fight other darkness's in the world and validate the fact that i may have a little evil in me, but most of me was inherently good, I am not so sure of that anymore. as i stare into the void once more i realize how easily my vices and old nasty habits could over take me.. the violent side i have taken years to fucking control and the person who desires revenge were once buried deep within me... with everything that has happened those emotions are no longer buried as deep. as i sit here brooding staring into dark masks of emotions surrounded by people i do not know i wonder, was it worthwhile to make any attachments in this life.. what have i brought my child into if his life is going to be as tragic and as flawed as mine... and i have no one to thank for that but you.. I hope at the end of the day your are satisfied with your minor victory and the damage it will cause.

Current mood: Brooding.
Current Music: Go To Hell, Megadeth
In normal times, evil would be fought by good. But in times like these, well, it should be fought by another kind of evil.

The Darkest Places inside my Soul.

2011-09-29T01:26:00.000-07:00

It's time to use the darkness and all that is dead and withired inside my soul to full advantage, it's better to use the anger that has eaten away at my soul to feed upon the ones responsible...I cannot sit by and see whats left of my life keep crumbling and be smashed to bits because of other's mechanations, it's time to take control.. my fate is always in my hand... it's time to take that hand and form it into a fist.. the time for defense is over... it's now time for offense it's time to break the shackles and kick the fucking doors of control down. I am under No one's thumb.

Current Mood: Bitter.
I "believe" that parental alienation is a form of adult "bullying"--I really do....the parent of a child that will not let the other parent see their child is doing it for purely selfish reasons....most of the time it seems that the parent who is doing this to the other parent is under the impression that "they" are the "better parent"...just like the kids at school that bully and think they are "better" than the other child...how immature and purely selfish...

Unforgiven VII

2011-09-26T21:10:00.000-07:00

I am getting to a place where there is only one person, and that person is me...people that have never done anything for me are going to be cast to the wayside, i'm sick of dealing with asshole freinds who think because i am their friend that they can treat me the way they do and walk all over me, there are a lot fo fucking people out there that were never there... i do not have the fucking time to deal with their selfishness and immaturity, it's becoming very clear that some of these people never fucking knew me..and/or ever tried to know me, after a discusuion with one of my very best freinds i am really starting to examine options about the rest of my life.. there's a lot that need to be dealt with.. i have the bullets, i have the knives.. i'm sick of both my past and my present coming down to haunt me.... there's a lot more to me than whatever people see, there has been way to much manipulation of the system in my life and soon that battle is going to turn into a full scale war, but one of the things that is becoming very clear is that certian people need to be left on the wayside in my path of life... and if they won't leave me alone they need to be forgotten with extreme prejudice, there's a reason i have acted like the man with no name and a man without a past everywhere i have went.. some memories don't need to be remebered, some life experinces need to stay dead and buried in the past.. but some people won't let that happen. One may be the Unforgiven, but will never be forgotten.

Current mood: Angry.
Never explain yourself. Your friends don't need it and your enemies won't believe it.

A simple friend thinks the friendship over when you have an argument. A real friend knows that it's not a friendship until after you've had a fight.

Crucified Immortals.

2011-09-24T03:22:00.000-07:00

The darkness inside of me and the Hate and anger is a part of me... it's what drives me.. it's something you could never understand... now it's the only thing i have to cling to... as my world is crumbling due to the actions of another... my heart and soul stolen.... and you know exactly what i mean.. and exactly what was taken.....everything....everything i am is gone...and freinds are another distant connection whom i have willingly walked away and away from agian and agian.... there is a reason i ran away to windsor and never looked back.... at least in windsor it's a world away and the system can't shackle and crucify me to be exactly what the planned for me.... for years i pretended i didn't have a past... and then one person decides she's going to use the knowledge and the half truths about what she knows about me to destroy me.... no judge, no jury, no conviction in a court of law.... just words.... her lies... and i'm dead inside..... there's nothing left of me... except that hate and anger i cling too....maybe if the knife hadn't dulled over the years...maybe if i had been a stone cold rock and not let people in like the original plan... i would be in a better place.... maybe i would be dead... maybe everything has a fucking reason and this is a learning experince.... all i know... is my biggest support, my best freind is there... just like he has been since '99.. always believing in me....everything about me is chipping away.... and there's no rock underneath.. not anymore.... i don't know who i am anymore... everything i used to define myself by.. gone....maybe you will read this maybe you won't.. but it needed to be said... someone asked me a while ago if i had any regrets.... i said one.......but i have No remorse, my life is what it has become... and i am still in control of my destiny.... i am not going anywhere...and i am going to end up a more militant critic of the system, I am going to become the voice of the voiceless... when this is all said and done and i am eventually vindicated... there is going to be a paradigm shift.

Current Mood: Depressed.
There are no absolutes in human misery and things can always get worse.

When I needed you most when I needed a friend, you let me down now like I let you down then

Queen of the Reich IV

2011-09-16T10:02:00.001-07:00

Things are finally moving forward... sometime this week you got served and i have some very good fucking ammuniotion in my bullets should i need to put you down... it's very interesting and telling when i have confirmed earlier suspicions of you cheating back when we were trying to conceieve but of course it's not like you ever knew how to close your legs... but the mistake you made wasn't so much with me... but having a lose end out there that you done the exact same thing as you have done to me out there.. the worse crime about that was he took responibilty and went up to the plate and it wasn't his son.. and you knew that, probaly during the preganancy and definitly after our child was born, but still you led him on... that's pretty fucking low... there is no question and has never been any question that kid is mine and even in your addeled alcoholic control freak mind you must have been able to see that... but of course needing a good father figure role modelis what you needed.. because me in university chasing a bachelor of social work wasn't enough... you hadn't damaged me enough... you had to completely destroy me eventually... i wonder how much of the last 11 years you have coldly calculated...i don't belive anythign you do is random i think everything you do is calculated and has a reason..same as me...i just don't have the cold hearted self preservationist streak that you do... it's not about me.. it's never about me... but if you're going to play in the gutter with my past history that at one point i did trust you with... i'll see you in the sewer....your skeletons are just as dirty as mine and more recent..You can't destroy what you can't kill and i will be standing here, alone...always... the one thing that prevents you from total control..you have tried to destroy me.. first youtook my education... i can deal with that, then you took my son, we dealt with that... then this time you try and take my heart (my son.) and my soul (my career.). that's fine... we can play... i'm the nastiest player in the game...you know exactly where to carve the knife and it will show that our original relationship was second year of me at niagara college and that you did this because otherwise you had nothing, you used the goverment to your own advantage.. but here's a fun thing about growing up in the system, i know how to navigate the court part of the child protection system very well... i also know mine and his rights... i also know the likelyhood of you having a lawyer is almost nil... all of which will go to show that all you want to do is have me leave his life and because you couldn't do it legally through the court system you went and did it thru the child protection system, which is fine by me... if you're going to play in the gutter... i will meet you in the sewer...be preapared for war.

Current Mood: Determination.
There are years that ask questions and years that answer.

Sometimes you have to stand alone to prove that you can stand.

It is not what a lawyer tells me I may do; but what humanity, reason, and justice tell me I ought to do.

Apex Predator.

2011-09-15T09:30:00.001-07:00

i've had my fun for the last few days and i am going to do something really positive tonight, but it's time to go back and deal and have actions mean something agian, i'm expecting blow back but that's all good, its better to be the hunter instead of the hunted, i've always said i'd rather be feared than loved...but the fear is irrational, its a mindgame. i will enventually vent on what i found out yesterday but at the moment other concerns are overriding the rage and anger and the hatred that would bring me down from that revelation... nice to have certian things that i knew as fact confirmed tho, agian it's time to deal with the problems and the root cause instead of brooding and being angry and powerless. i'm a strong person and as much as you try to destroy me, change me or try and remove me from yours and his life.. it's not going to fucking happen... i'm here i'm standing tall and im not going anywhere. it took a lot of pride to make that phone call and i am glad i did.. if nothing else i know exactly who has the advantage in the long run.. because the truth is my ally and a powerful ally it is.

there is a reason he got bought a randy orton shirt at the Tv taping.

Current Mood: Determined.

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.

Best In The World.

2011-09-14T14:35:00.000-07:00

Last night was fucking awesome and for a little while helped me to forget all my problems in this life so i could start to focus on them a little today, today was a good day i filled a puzzle piece that will probably come to haunt her. but for the moment I am enjoying my good high for yesterday and hoping i can maintain my happiness and positivity as long as humanly possible... i got my son a randy Orton snakey shirt and i got a cmp punk one... I didn't want to get him a barney looking red cena shirt this time, the one he got last year was cool, and never seen again but this is gonna be an Xmas gift, I missed him a lot last night... all the good and fun memories should be ours to share not mine alone. i intend to change that no matter how much it hurts.

Current Mood: Happy.
Even if happiness forgets you a little bit, never completely forget about it..

35 and still alive...

2011-09-13T10:48:00.000-07:00

It's a good day for me and a day i am actually smiling and a little bit happy, that being said it is also a bittersweet day because when i did the same thing to celebrate last year i had my little man in tow and we did football and the WWE :-(. at least i know theyre will be plenty of time for us to follow up and do things like this agian when all this hell is behind me... i'm 35 and still alive and i'm not going anywhere, i'm going to enjoy my day and put the last year behind me for 24 hours and just enjoy myself...I wish it was a little easier to make that phone call and have my son wish me a happy birthday tho.. that's the one that hurts today and I should be used to it by now... but it still hurts.. every fucking year... worse on his birthday than mine tho...

Current Mood: Bittersweet.
We know we're getting old when the only thing we want for our birthday is not to be reminded of it.

Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real.

2011-09-08T12:41:00.001-07:00

It's time to start fighting back, I am no longer going to sit around and wait for the chips to fall where they may, I am back in court and i am moving forward with the ministry review of the file, It's time to stop pretending everything is normal and go back to everything is normal, I am sick of Hamilton and i only moved here to provide myself with better employment than i would have found in Thorold, I am sick of old and new ghosts from Niagara constantly following me and trying to exert control and make my life hell... there's only on person that matters at all there. It's time for positive changes in my current situation and it's time for people that are meaningless to take a step back, i don't think a certain someone will be happy when she receives a document this week, but you can't fight what you can't kill... she should know better... as long as i draw a fucking breathe there is no way I'm ever going to fucking back down... espically when i know I'm right and shes wrong and this is just another attempt to avoid court because going to court would probably end in another contempt charge, Gotta love the fact that tomorrow It will be Eleven Years since we got together, and eleven years dead, should have just let her be the one night stand she should have been, i am seriously wondering what my life would have been like if i had never seen her again after that night... the next little while should be telling, even if Windsor keeps calling me home.. I'd like to go but first i have to deal with nonsense here...maybe one day I'll return, the happiest days of my life were spent in Windsor and theirs a reason i call it home... my friends and biggest non family supports are there.. and that isn't tainted by her bullshit because most of my friends i associated with there have no idea of her other than the pain she's caused me and my son...

Current Mood: Determined.
People pay for what they do, and still more, for what they have allowed themselves to become. And they pay for it simply: by the lives they lead.

Intimidation Factor II

2011-09-01T15:58:00.000-07:00

I am fucking done with being intimidated, I should not be sitting here waiting r things to happen i need to make my world go back to normal, the saddest part of this whole world is I tried to be good and do everything right and the world still decided to crap on me, then again it's not the world that did these things to me, i should still be in Windsor i should have finished school and not chased a dream that would turn into a nightmare and then a maggot infested corpse... if she wanted to destroy my life and destroy a man there are easier fucking ways to do it... I wish I didn't know about my son sometimes or that i had made the choice to be a deadbeat dad, I hate the fact i have been pronounced guilty by no one yet between my ex and the government there is really nothing i can do except wait for the scales of justice to slowly turn in my favor, how long that can take i do not know, but i wish it would speed up.. I'm sick of sitting a round with a pain in the gut of my stomach telling me I'm helpless and having the weight of these accusations play mind games with my head... a weaker man would not be standing here today.... a weaker man would have taken the cowards way out...I'm no Coward.. regardless that little boy needs a father.. even if it is to find me in 15 years time to answer his questions.

Current Mood: Angry,Depressed.
The ones who hate me the most are the ones who don't scare me.

Battle Bones.

2011-08-31T15:20:00.000-07:00

The plans are being formulated and I am soon going to be taking the fate that has been decreed for me by another out of her hands, it's time for me to decide the man I am going to be, No more cowering in fear from the authority, it's time to prove her wrong.. it's time to demolish her false pretense aided by the government, because the minute they find her unfit for drinking or something else you know the person she will come crying to, of course I will simply turn my back on her and say you did this to yourself, in seeking to destroy me i wonder how much damage you have done to that which matters most... In my world and in my vision the ultimate thing you could have done was involve the system for a petty victory... (and trust me it is a very small fucking Victory.) i am starting to see the world thru a new set of eyes and all the demons and experiences i have suffered thru will one day prove useful, sooner than most... it's time for you to feel the way i have for the last little while... the uncertainty, the fear of the system, i know the system and I know how to fight it and clear my name.. it's time for me to start working on that.

Current Mood: Angry.
Current Music: Dance Of Death, Iron Maiden
The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

Intimidation Factor.

2011-08-30T13:14:00.000-07:00

I am fucking done being intimidated by anyone,including agents of my ex wife's choosing, you have done your damage and now it's time for me to battle and fight and clear and restore my fucking name... I am not going to be intimidated anymore, i spent the summer being intimidated and depressed, it's time for me to move forward and if i need to be I'll be the fucking intimidating one, this is all about intimidation anyways so it doesn't go back to court and she doesn't have to have a lawyer and spend money, yeah, like that's going to be my desired outcome, let's see you cost me my job, my career possibly and my summer with my boy... you think maybe I'm gonna want to fight you even harder? this old dog has teeth, it's time to bare em. I don't have time to play games and wait and be patient anymore, I spent the whole summer being depressed and came way to close to killing myself for me not to fight very hard and very angry agianst everyone that has conspired to destroy my life, i will have ultimate vindication and i will not let a petty woman who wants me to have nothing to do with my life, including the child we share together destroy everything i have worked very hard over the last 15 years to attain... It's time for battle... it's time to win.

Current Mood: Determined.
The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me.

Only strong personalities can endure history, the weak ones are extinguished by it.

The Unforgiven VI

2011-08-24T15:44:00.000-07:00

It's fucking telling when the worst experience of your life you reach out to friends and people that you have worked with, it really shows who has your back and who doesn't when you ask for help and you a re left hanging, the worst part is the ones that leave you hanging are the ones that are usually the first to ask for help when they need/want something... this has been a trial by fire but i know the people that stand behind me and who supports me, and the people that do not can all go get fucked... either your friend and you assist me in times of need or you don't it's that simple... I'd fucking die for my friends and they fucking know that, the ones that matter anyways.. but the rest of them, fuck em.

Current Mood: Angry.
A friend is someone who, upon seeing another friend in immense pain, would rather be the one experiencing the pain than to have to watch their friend suffer.

A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.

A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out.

Friends are just people who haven't fucked you over yet.

Battlegrounds II

2011-08-24T13:51:00.000-07:00

...And tomorrow it begins, no more waiting no more having to deal with the patience that's been eating me up inside.. it's time to strike and it's time for vindication, it's time to show her that i cannot be controlled and/or defeated by her... the sad part is I never wanted this battle or this war. her own selfish desires got us here, i was content with the status quo of weekends and summer and support...walking by the pool today i reflected on the fact that he should have been here going to camp so that he could have went to Marineland again today.. but of course like all good experiences he has had with me she is jealous that i have the freedom to let him seek his own path, unlike her who needs to control everything, and if she can't control me, she will control him, and the man he's going to grow up to be, not on my watch, not while i am involved as his father.

Current Mood: Determined.
What makes a man a man? A friend of mine once asked. It's the choices he makes. Not how he starts things, but how he finishes them.

One More Fucking Time...

2011-08-23T10:26:00.000-07:00

The time is over for feeling sorry for myself, and hurting, in war there is no time for the pain of emotions, i've got to use it and channel it, make her feel the way i do, make her feel fucking fear, make her regret the things she's done over the last ten years... of course some of the fault should be admittedly be mine, i should have left her on hull river on July 1st, 2001.. my life would be simpler, it's funny how college and university and all of the experiences in the last ten years and before would lead me to a fucking place where i was prepared for a battle like this... None of that matter because the genetics under my skin are more fucking important according to some people that don't understand a fucking thing..this is a vindictive woman who was jealous i finally found some happiness with my son that didn't include her, and my son was part of that... so she had to use the only nuclear option she had left and destroy it, or at least attempt to destroy it... Newsflash bitch, that relationship is almost as old as I AM, AND IT WILL ENDURE.. as will the relationship the kids were building will, you can't take anything away from me... you might be able to fucking stall my life for a minute but only for a fucking minute... there will be vindication and there will be the eventual victory, why do you still choose to fucking fight, does it make you happy, are you enjoying your life in misery, Jesus Christ you turned 37 yesterday and you will die alone, bitter, an old crone... I'm too old for battles, 35 years in 3 weeks and I'm doing the same thing i was doing with you, fighting the same dance we waltzed when i was 24. this time it ends this time i make sure you can't pull something like this again, the time for games, sorrow or anything other than the final battle for that childs mental health and soul is behind us... there is only me and you and who is right and who is manipulating the world to suit her agenda.... if you wanted me gone you never should have had a child with me... as old as I get i will still be here standing tall for my son, nothing you do can ever take me away, or crush that fighting spirit.

Dieppe, Thursday.

Current Mood: Determined.
The man who can drive himself further once the effort gets painful is the man who will win.

Battlegrounds.

2011-08-17T14:33:00.000-07:00

The battle has become and it's an uphill battle but i have made phone calls and the paperwork is in to get things moving and to change things, there isn't going to be any more sitting around depressed and waiting for the world to move on without me, each man is the conqueror of his own destiny and it's been a long time since i truly let anyone control my fate but myself... it's time to start writing and making sure the powers that be know that I'm not going to be fucking going away, the only way to deal with an attack of a personal nature is to get on the offensive and defend oneself and it is now time for me to be doing that, it's time to fight until my last breath....

Current Mood: Determined.
He who knows when he can fight and when he cannot, will be victorious.

Offensive?

2011-08-16T16:53:00.000-07:00

It's time get on the fucking offensive and instead of letting this apathy destroy me, i need to start calling people and dealing with the sad realities of my life and changing them, why would i sit around and wait for shit to happen when i can instead make changes happen? it's time for me to be the big bad, intimidating bad guy i know i can be... after all there is no satisfaction in being named the villain unless you actually can act like the villain, of course I'm going to do it smart and be ruthless but not mean about it, I'm not 12 years anymore, time to let the maturity level come in to play, I'm not an angry kid anymore, i am a man fighting to clear my name, and fighting for my son... you can't destroy someone who is innocent but you and the fucking government sure can try, of course i know the blackness that dwells within my soul pales in comparison to the deep black wounds you inflict with the utter blackness of your soul, there is a reason everyone hates the fucking government.... of course when you try and use them to gain a tactical advantage it will soon be revealed in court, and then all your fucking lies will unravel, and next your delicate house of cards to eliminate me from the picture will end, and i will see vindication, but for now it's just time to defend myself and protect him, and the best way to do that is to get offensive.

Current Mood: Determined.
Be patient and tough; some day this pain will be useful to you.

I wear my scars proudly. They represent the battles through which I have gone, and I am proud because those battles I have won.

Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you respond to it.

Stall Tactics.

2011-08-15T14:15:00.000-07:00

You know it's interesting how at the end of the day someone can call me up and give me the information that my ex is refusing a second opinion with a second social worker and that i will have to pursue things legally... it's not a surprise when it's been evident that both the worker and my ex have been manipulating things to weaken whatever ever defense i might propose, because it's not about truly being guilty, it's about appearing to be guilty.. I asked for second opinion on day fucking one of this investigation, obviously scare tactics aren't going to work on me so stall tactics make more sense to use, I'm not gonna be intimidated right? you know there is always the trump card i can play once i clear my name or even before if it get's me to the point where my name will be cleared, it's gonna hurt like hell but some days I'm swimming so deep in depression that maybe it's time to do the predictable thing and move on like i always seem to do, there's a reason why i never put down roots prior to 2000, and there's a reason why every time i have tried since i have always ended up uprooting them.. even if i went with the nuclear option and destroyed my life I would always the fact that she lied to fall back upon if i decided to change my mind, the system and my ex aren't the only ones who can play the smoke and mirrors card... I'm well versed in deception as well, i just can't sit around waiting for my life to end forever, i need to have things going back to normal even if i have to cut out a large part of my heart to accomplish that...

Current Mood: Sad.
Damaged people are dangerous, they know they know they can survive.

When it seems like everything is wrong and will never be right again remember even the darkest nights must give way to day.

A History of Violence II

2011-08-11T11:23:00.000-07:00

Another day where I am sitting around pretending like there is anything that fucking matters in my life, you know it would help if the stress levels in my life would once in a while go down, I don't know where i will be tomorrow anymore, all the goals in my life at this point seem to have turned to shit... the sad part is this all due to a woman, and it's once agian me having to pull myself out of the grave and deal with the depressing bullshit that seems to dominate my life...

Current Mood: Sad.
I don't necessarily want to be happy; I just want to stop feeling miserable.

A History of Violence

2011-08-10T14:18:00.000-07:00

I am not going to let anyone Intimidate me especially this late in the game, I'm the intimidating one not anyone else, maybe some of the people that have crossed me in this life and the corrupt civil servants who took there time not investigating shit should try not to attempt to intimidate me, even if i was sitting in a padded room with the cuffs on, i would not be intimidated, i know who i am and what I am, and that's something nobody can take away from me... there's a reality out there that people have created and it's not the truth, but then again, who ever said you needed the truth to condemn a man, i am a student of history after all... it's funny that the minute i start making changes in life by some coincidence the phone rings, wonder what will happen when this is back in court....I'm sick of people trying to manipulate my life, people that don't know me.. it all comes down to the one person who i thought knew me but really all she wanted was whatever i couldn't give her... that's the ultimate manipulation, I'm tired of playing her game, I'm too old for all of this shit. i should not have had my childhood manipulated into something they can use against me at age 35. it doesn't seem to matter anything I've done past the fact that i was damaged goods as a kid, and therefore by extension I'm still damaged goods creating more damaged goods. The easier way out back in Windsor should have been the decision but i could never have made that fucking decision and she knows it... i wonder if this was the plan all along.. to destroy me... I am seriously at this point thinking of turning my back on my life and starting anew, Windsor, Vancouver and parts of England are all options... but then again there is the whole thing of I'm not going to run, i might go afterward, but as long as there is a battle to be fought and a fight to be embroiled in I'm going to be in the thick of it, Only guilty men run.

Current Mood: Angry.
Beware the person who has nothing to lose.

Game Over...

2011-08-09T13:25:00.000-07:00

All the anger, brooding and patience came down to yesterday and the fact that things are now moving forward....It's time to stop attempting to play defense and get on the offensive... it's awful nice when someone directly contradicts themselves on a phone call two minutes before walking into the lawyer's office, i should be used to all the deception esp. from Niagara's corrupt version of the system, i shouldn't be surprised i prepared for this and have a good eye for spotting the people who are fake in the system...I have always guarded my thoughts and feelings for a reason, there is a reason no one at my former employer knew about my past...but i dislike being manipulated and i was very upset to have caught her in a direct lie, of course.. even thought she was likely full of it, they are going to leave she who shall not be named alone in court.. let's play that game... first you ask me to do something and sit on it.. good my lawyer's in play... we will have him handle it if you don't. I have been clear about this being an attack and the destruction of everything in my life i hold dear.. so when the fact is you are stalling and playing games and manipulating things, it's about fucking time for those things to happen or i will force them to happen by way of my solicitor. I am sick of fighting battles for a few feet... it's time for the wreckage of my life to become something other than a fucking albatross around my neck... if my ex partner wants a war she's got one... and it's not going to be a war of attrition for a few scraps... this time we are going to battle.. you want to try and destroy my life and you use the system, the very one that both raised me and employed me to do it? that's interesting.. as i explained yesterday, you know both my motivations and why the job/career and being a dad meant so much to me.. you want to keep attempting to break me down and i will stand stronger and mightier than anything you've ever seen... that boy is my blood too.. and you cannot stop me from being with him, everything you try is just a game.... and guess what... the final stage is over... Game Over..No one wins.

Current Mood: Determined.
Blood is just red sweat.
There is no glory in battle worth the blood it costs.

Funeral for a Freak.

2011-08-08T08:13:00.000-07:00

Today is not a good day to be on my fucking bad side... I'm an in an angry mood and want to rip someones fucking head off.. all the pent up frustrations of the last few months seems to be coming to a head and the fact that i could just kick a door in and kick the shit out of her instead of dealing with things the right way is playing heavily on my mind...I could do that, but I'm better than her... i don't seek to destroy her life the way she has completely decimated mine.. over and over and over again...I wonder how sad her own life is, Right now between the sleepless nights and the fact i am having serious pains in my side that could be an ulcer or my gall bladder and i am too focused on dealing with this to go to the doctor to deal with the psychical pain,I'm so fucking sick of sacrificing everything and ending up with nothing, I'm sick of the world allowing things like this to happen, I'm sick of being in pain... this is one of the days where i am tempted to take the Cobain leather jacket, fold it up at her door, leave my message and go to the falls and jump... but that would accomplish nothing, and would only serve as a grand exit... and I'm not leaving this world.... not because of anything she's done or will do... I'm stronger than her and I will prove it... it's too bad the fact is it shouldn't be who can endure, because i will always be the one who endures.. I will always be a lone wolf without ties and without anyone like you in my life, worst mistake i ever made was allowing you back into my life, I will see this threw to the end and I will see you exposed but there is no malice, and the only anger is from what you have taken from me, I will restore my career, my reputation and my relationship with him, you can only knock me down, as long as I still keep getting up no matter my condition, you have not fucking beaten me.

Current Mood: Determined, Tired.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Judge Death.

2011-08-05T19:40:00.000-07:00

One is getting to the point where wallowing in despair and not doing anything is accomplishing little.. it's time to get on the fucking offensive and start making lives hell, just as my life has been torn apart... feeling the fact that in this battle i have never felt more truly alone than i do right now, even tho i know i have supports, the worst of it is on the weekends because i should be sitting at home watching him sleep or play Nintendo instead of wandering the streets because i feel lost inside and the more time i spend at home surrounded by his things the darker and angrier my thoughts become, when everything has been taking from you it is very easy to fall into old habits but for the moment i am trying to hold my head up and stop from drowning in my own dark thoughts.... sometimes it would have been easier to walk away but I'm not built like that.. and it's time for me to take control of my own life and make people answer... because i will not go down without a fight....

Current Mood: Depressed, Tired.
The best manner of avenging ourselves is by not resembling she who injured us; and it is hardly possible for one man to be more unlike another than he that forbears to avenge himself of wrong is to her who did the wrong.

Death: The High Cost of Living II

2011-08-04T13:01:00.000-07:00

It occurs to me right now that this one of the weeks when i would have a vacation as she was informed a long time ago that because of my now former employer needing at least a few months notice on vacation, that i would be taking the first and last's weeks of august for vacation, one week to go away with him and the other week possibly for him to go to camp and get ready to go back to school, now I am once again in a losing battle in which neither side is going to fucking win and the best we can hope for is that because of her nonsense that child doesn't end up too scarred...I almost regret returning to central Ontario to deal with my responsibilities as a father, but given my inner make up, even if it ends up costing me everything, and right now that's exactly how it feels, how could i not? it's not him that's the selfish one.. he's not the one that is so selfish and conceited and controlling that everything needs to be her way, i should have known this when the first signs of promiscuity and gold digging started to show themselves way back then a decade ago.. sometimes you show the whore the door in the morning... I hate that she has replaced any emotion i have ever had for her with a black hole of hate, but her actions has made it that way.... I'd rather be alone than constantly feel her jagged edged words and biting daggers of betrayal over and over agian, one day that boy will know the truth and it will not be the lies you foretold... nothing like using ones own flawed back story against him and then getting some sycophantic social worker to follow along, let's talk to everyone involved about what this is really about.. it's about revenge.. and it's about Money... you don't want to to get a lawyer to fight me on my own terms so instead you use a backdoor to destroy my career and my relationship with my son, short term maybe because i was willing to play along out of concern for him i was willing to play along and not get the lawyer's involved... but when you leave me with nothing... (again... the last few times we have had a relationship i ended up starting over with nothing..only when i stuck to my guns and decided not to completely become a symbiotic partnership with you... and we saw how well that lasted on Dec. 31, 2004 didn't we.).. right now there's nothing.. i have nothing... at least once upon a time i could say i had my career and school but now you've taken that completely away... I think that a judge will see that this is cold hearted and a plan to discredit me and a plot for revenge... why would I spend all the time in the world to become exactly what i wanted to be and have a hard time with school and study late hours if i was going to destroy myself and my child a decade later... I don't think like that.. obviously you do.. the darker mirrors edge will be reflected on you.... you are one of the few fucking people who have ever lived with me.. and the only one during my education, a distraction maybe... but you know how much of heart and soul i bled into what i wanted to be for the rest of my life.. how much i studied, what was sacrificed for time to study to get an A on that exam, of course you helped break me down in university so completely destroying me should have been expected... I just hope that the scales of justice are blind when it comes to going back to court and they truly see you for the person that you are... a jealous spiteful woman looking for revenge on her ex partner using her one and only child as a pawn against his father.. No good can come from holding a grudge.. and holding a knife with the intention of revenge is like cutting yourself with the same blade... Anything you can throw at me i can take.. I've faced many battles in my life.. this may be the worst one...but i doubt it will be the last one... and as long as the one thing you can't destroy is my will.. I'll be fine... no matter what purgatory you seek to throw me in. we will how the game is played on Monday... please be smart enough to come to court without a lawyer and think that the corrupt social services net of Niagara Falls is going to remain on your side when the weaker points of your case are very obvious in front of a judge and it's obvious this is not motivated out of concern but out of revenge....

Current Mood: Depressed, Determined.
Revenge is always the weak pleasure of a little and narrow mind.

Death: The High Cost of Living

2011-08-03T14:47:00.001-07:00

I sit around bored with my head in my hands or i go out and hang out with my friends, i have no real goals at the moment and can't be bothered to see past tomorrow, i hate this city and anger and hate are becoming more pronounced towards certain people that seek to destroy me, they can destroy me all they want I am a phoenix born of fire. every time i am broken down i get up, stronger than before...it just saddens me to see things turning out the way they did... too bad this life is all about tribulations, not sure what my next is going to be but i am going to make it soon and some of the people that have made me feel this way are going to feel it's wrath, there's no time like the present but i can't be bothered to be a person with a dark soul that would wish any kind of malice on anyone, maybe a darker nastier me would have had a better road, and maybe at the end of the day i will be darker and bitter and a lot of light within my soul will wither on the vine and die, leaving only the black soul... but maybe that's for a good reason, maybe i will see things clearer and shut my heart down from all possibilities and become... the nothingness i already feel i am.

Current Mood: Depressed.
Hatred is the coward's revenge for being intimidated.

Old Bones III

2011-07-30T20:16:00.001-07:00

this time last year, there was no court, no uphill battle... this time last year we were planning on going to camp, hanging out at the pool and the world was our oyster.... I wonder the type of person and the mentality that wants to destroy something like that, last year he didn't want for anything, we went to tigercat games, the wwe and he even got a wii for Christmas at his mothers that i paid for... the cold black soul of the one who is causing this pain is something that need to be exposed for who she really is, and as long as i keep looking at the positives and be on my feet ready to fight for what is right, and for him.. i can do no wrong no matter the level of pain she has caused probably not only to me but also to him, she will get her day in court and be exposed.. it's coming very soon.... those that bring darkness into other's lives themselves end up with more darkness reflected upon into them.

Current Mood: Sad.
Current Music: Wasted Time, Skid Row.
It is better to ultimately succeed with the truth than to temporarily succeed with a lie.

Old Bones II

2011-07-29T21:46:00.000-07:00

I may not always like where things in my life are headed but at least right now I can see things a little bit clearer, and some answers were forthcoming today, even if i got the usual bullshit and nonsense trailing them, at least there's less of it, and i am starting to formulate and action plan to deal with some of the issues really bothering me... it's going to be easier once in court when i can positively show this an attack and a direct sabotage on my career and relationship with him, but i got a little victory today, and i plan to get it in writing eventually, like next week... it was also good to spend time with friends from Windsor... makes me think about how things could have turned out... not sure how much longer Hamilton will be an option as i am becoming tired of the stagnation here... maybe it's time for a change... i want to go back to Windsor but as long as he's the x factor that won't happen... my blood, my child comes first.

Current Mood: Hopeful.
Victory is won not in miles but in inches. Win a little now, hold your ground, and later, win a little more.

Old Bones...

2011-07-28T14:28:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is but i am starting to feel very old and disconnected with the world, every day once agian seems like I am disconnected from what's going on around me and instead of moving, i fall into familiar habits and time is standing still, i guess having a rumble in my stomach of anger is a good thing but to constantly have the fire stoked by outside sources bother's me.. i should have the fire in my belly and i never should have let myself become complacent but i shouldn't have these terrible things I'm currently experiencing be the catalyst for the strength to make change.. I never thought it would be this easy to let myself be destroyed either, but it's done.. and even tho the wheels of time slowly turn for me, waiting, waiting, waiting on other people to rightly or wrongly do their fucking jobs.... it's time for action, it's time for a return of the person i used to be... I don't back down from anyone, least of all her. at the end of the day she'll be exposed and that's the deal... so what i have to fight agian, i let my guard down that was the only reason she ever thought she could pull this off, but let's see what happens in the next few months, let's play games....I'll Win.

Current Mood: Determined.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Moving Forward....

2011-07-27T11:45:00.001-07:00

It's about time things started moving in a forward direction as I have been sitting around and brooding about the things that affect me and anger me for far too long, yes, in my life i have made mistakes but it shouldn't be the mistakes of my past that damn me, i will stand and fight not only for my son, but for my career, i cannot let this woman take everything i have worked towards for the last fifteen years and have her destroy it out of jealousy or a need for control, and that's exactly what it is.. she wants me to be a non event in her life and in his, and that little boy is my flesh and blood and as long as I draw breath i will never not be a part of his life, it's time for some of the scales of justice to balance instead of me sacrificing everything because you made an accusation, that isn't true.

Current Mood: Determined.
Sometimes the lies you tell are less frightening than the loneliness you might feel if you stopped telling them.

Skeletons II

2011-07-26T07:17:00.000-07:00

Can a soul suffer from exhaustion? or is it just the fire and the bright light of said soul descending into blackness? you know what made my night last night? having my landlord sit there and tell me that i am a good father and that this will pass, that meant a lot... what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger....I wish i could still believe that. all these people telling me what a good person I am yet it only takes one other person believing otherwise due to someone Else's lies to destroy me... because the truth is never as strong as a lie.. the only difference is the lie will one day be exposed.... maybe if i rattle a few chains in front of a judge that day will be sooner than later, after all it's not like i have a fucking exact date for your brother, his uncle doing a line a cocaine right in front of my as my little boy slept a few feet away, and the fact you are a fucking regular at mikado's can't help either....go ahead, require a piss test from me as well... you'll only find THC and hops.. i don't like hard drugs and i despise the fact that you have been constantly over the years been around people that do them, but it's obvious to me at this late stage with your wonderful sabotage of my entire life... it's not a job you've taken away it's my career, i can't wait for you to come to court crying poverty with no lawyer and saying i need to fucking pay child support, when you are the direct cause of the fact I no longer have a job.... i can't wait to see what a judge has to say about that, this is obviously your end game because after stripping me down to the bone there's not much left for you to do... either i cower and flee and lose everything....(not happening, not this lifetime.), Or i fight you with every dying breath.... I'll be taking door number two bob barker. 1000 posts of this blog and how many have been a release over the last six years about you and how sad you've made me feel in this life? I'm not the one with something missing inside that tries to replace it with many men in her bed and the cocaine in her head, one day you will be exposed for who you are.. and one day he will understand the games you played.... but much like me he will not understand it either.... the only thing i can understand is that you are selfish and materialistic and the only thing you look upon men is for what they can give you and treat anyone you love as a possession until they are no longer useful to you, then they are cast aside for the newer shinier version, c'mon when i was 28 you dated guys that were mid 20's and you were 30, what does that say about you? other than the fact you need to keep your goddamn legs closed? I don't care anymore, when you've taken everything there's only one thing that matters.. and he is the only thing you can only try to take away from me... and i will go down to my grave before you succeed. I'm not the only one with secrets, the only difference is all of mine have been exposed and peppered with your lies and half truths, let's see what happens when we open up your Pandora's box....

Current Mood: Sad.
Current Music: Foreclosure of a Dream, Megadeth.
There is something about a closet that makes a skeleton terribly restless.

Darkest Hours.

2011-07-25T14:35:00.000-07:00

The only reason I am still breathing and not dead by my own hand right now is my firm conviction that i would never do anything to harm a child, specifically the child that matters the most in my life and if anyone was to harm him they would end up being the one not breathing, this weekend was extremely tough and my firm grip on my sanity seems almost trying at times, it's likes what's left.. she's used all of the skeletons in my closet to destroy me, my relationship with my son and my career... she knows what's important to me in this life and she's managed to destroy all of it with one vile action, I wonder what i ever did to make you hate me this way? to put ideas in that little boys head....I am disgusted by the thought and even worse I realize it is just another one of your chess moves and both me and him are merely pawns in your little game.... have i considered fucking off to Windsor and being a deadbeat dad? yes, I am almost convinced that if I gave you total parental rights and left that you would admit this whole bullshit game is just that a game... but then you'd be getting what you wanted.. total control... I'm not sure i ever want to give you that over him, I do know I'm not the only one with a dirty secret banging around in my closet and I've seen psychical proof of it, and i can provide dates.. so let's see how you do when i go on the offensive... I'm sick to my stomach that it has ever had to come to this.. but it's not unexpected given the nihilistic vain materialistic soulless cunt that you have come to be.

Current Mood: Depressed.
There's a lot of skeletons in my closet, but I know what they're wearing. I'm not gonna act all ashamed of it.