Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

The game of mental chess continues for the soul of my son, every aggressive move that i make is countered by another one who waited till the last minute to do something that should have been made a year ago, unlike you I have nothing to hide, and Nothing to fear. the game will soon be over and I am more than willing to let the chips fall where they may I have options, I am the phoniex and i will rise from the fire and the flames, you have to live with your actions at the end of the day for the rest of His, yours and My life... i won't burn for your sins. I just wish my little man didn't have to suffer as a result of your delusions, but the next step in the game is upon us. Checkmate. Current Mood: Determined. Somewhere along the way I lost a step, got sloppy, dulled my own edge. Maybe I went and did the worst crime of all. I got civilized.

I am looking forward to the next week or so, Some Questions need to be addressed and soon but generally i am feeling a lot better than I have been in quite some time, sometimes certain times of the year the veil of darkness is stronger than others, but it's just darkness and all i need is a lighter to see that there is always light... i can be sad, I can be angry,None of that takes away the man I am and how i define myself. as long as as there is something worth fighting for here I stand alone,undefeated until I'm done. Current Mood: Positive I have accepted fear as a part of life - specifically the fear of change.... I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back.

I'm Sick of fighting, but I'm also sick of starving and being alone when i should be spending time with the only goddamn person that matters.. i know exactly why i stand strong, sometimes that's the only thing i fucking have left. I had a very miserable weekend and It reminds me how badly this feeling at the bottom of my stomach needs to go the fuck away, i cannot find happiness in current misery so i just hide myself away from the world and dwell on the misery and hate just a little bit more every day... there isn't much time in my world to give a damn, but there is time in my world to wait, patiently and watch people fall because of their own actions... I may be a damned soul but i will not fall alone... And i will stand and outlast you in terms of the fall from grace... I wish I could be more compassionate and caring right now, But I can't be... I don't have those emotions left for you anymore, you will fall down, you will fail.. and it's your own doing..

Another day in which I should be happy but instead I'm mostly miserable, and there is only one fuckin reason for that, I should be In st. catherines right now enjoying my birthday with my son, To me otherwise this is just another fucking day... I've celebrated with friends already... real friends not some of these fair weather friends that haven't even noticed my birthday yet...once you get to a certain age with all the trials and tribulations you cease to give a shit... It's just another day on the calendar without him here... I'm really not excited, I don't give a damn... there's not much I can do in my life that I can control anymore... what I can affect I do, but sometimes i just feel like everything leads me no where and why do I bother trying... there is very little happiness in my life and way too much fucking conflict, ten years ago i was in a great mood and having a fucking blast with my life, what the fucking Hell changed... wait.. don't answer

I had a good fucking night tonight and enjoyed myself with an old freind. agian something is missing but i remeber who i am. it was good to blow off some fucking steam and let me myself be who i used to be without any judgement or worrying about who i might offend, yes i spent the night getting smashed but i feel better than i have in a long time.. i remeber who i used to be, I am someone who a 17 year old me would call a sell out... but only because of the attempted conformity to the system and their rules... it's a lot better than being homeless and in jail. i remember exactly who the fuck I am, i still wear my wwe shirts with pride and have no fear being exactly who I am without worrying what any society thinks. i am a weapon when pointed in the right direction. I an be just as comfortable panhandling on Young as getting smashed in a nice shirt on bat street or hess village.. i tried for tooo fucking long to be someone i not, it's time to show some teeth and be the person

I had a good time tonight with some buddies and I plan to do the same tomorrow. but it's fucking bullshit that someone i should be sharing experiences like this with isn't here. I need to stop listening to the distractions in my head and in personal life and work harder and deal with the fucking things that need to be fucking dealt with, so next year I am not promising myself that he will be here next year.. HE will be here next year.. i have no question of that. I just really missed him tonight even tho i had fun something is still missing with my experiences, at least right now I'm not wallowing in pain and darkness.. but there is still a hole.. there is still something missing. Not being able to share something like this that has been shared before, and it's a daddy thing not a little man thing makes that's hole hurt just a little bit more. Current Mood: Sad. Current Music: In the middle of the Night, Within Temptation. He who is prudent and lies in wait

I am aware that this is a waiting game, but as the days, minutes and seconds tick down i am aware I am the one not in the wrong and the sooner your own decisions damn you the better off I will be for it.. so I watch the hands of time as they click down.. I don't mind.. you're the one on a fucking timeline not mine.. I am enjoying my life and at the current moment am I no way miserable.. there's something missing from my life obviously but i am having fun and doing myb thing and enjoying it and I don't have to worry about anything, I wish he was here to share it but this is exactly why i work so hard, so Soon someday he will be right beside me.. and I can do all these fun things i'm doing recently with him.. I just stair at the watch waiting...Time will be you're downfall not mine. Enjoy. Current Mood: Determined. It's a strange thing, but when you are dreading something, and would give anything to slow down time, it has a disobliging habit of speeding up.