Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Life is too short to be constantly fucking pissed off like this. Especially over things that have no substance and do not fucking matter. I have real things that i need to address and maybe I should walk away from some of these distractions. I was always better when i was focused on the important things rather than the mindless distractions. When people drag me down i simply stop associating with them, there is only one person that gets that exemption and i would gladly follow her into hell. However, even there the rules are very rigid. I dont fold for anyone. I never have. I'll stand my ground. What I wont stand for is not being respected.  I'm sick of being angry about things I cannot control. Ending this is something I can control. So at this point walking away isn't enough. This time I am going to do something drastic and put the exclamation point on it. I have enough drama in my life i don't need something someone I care about having it ruined by useles...

  I live every day with the fear of another loved one dying in my arms and/or my door being smashed in and my life being destroyed agian. If i decide to move on to protect the little bit of mental health and peace i have left. You are all gone. Forgotten. Thats where I am agian. It might be time to go fucking dark. I'm already nuts and institutional. Whats the world minus one more crazy conservative? I don't need to be here for anyone except my own inner circle and even those people, they drop like flies. The difference is before there was forgiveness. Now there's an absolute finalty. If you remove you from my chess board you are fucking gone. It's always only about the little king and the black queen anyways. And even the black queen is in a consideration to be forgotten herself agian. I don't have anyone thats always gonna be there at the end except for my own worst enemy. So I am cold or ablivent to losing someone in my life? Yeah I cut the love of my life out o...

  The list of lives I've broken reach from here to hell. I am absolutely done with people who want advice or help based on my experiences and dont take into the fact the emotional toll of asking the questions they present. Yes I worked in the field but they have been my enemy since I was a fucking kid. Im gonna be frank and fucking honest when dealing with the people that destroyed my life. Yes the protocol to protect everyone so no one is accountable is fucking systemic in the system, and keep in mind it is a system. I lost ny child to it despite keeping him out of the system and trusting his mother to take care of him. I do not need to be fucking triggered with questions without understanding that situation. I gave advice and I feel like I am being demonized for it. Sorry my opinion is tainted by the anger and hate i'm very much trying to distance myself from. But there are reasons I distance myself and let them fade away. Its not always about protecting myself. Ive thought f...

I am just Done with some people in my fucking life. I have my own issues and problems and responsibilities and im sick of being an emotional fucking lap dog for people that are only truly on the outskirts of my fucking life. If I have built a wall between us take that as a fucking hint that I want space. I will forgot your fucking name or that you even exist. I have to chose me no one else will and those that mattered most forgot I existed unless they needed sonething.  I am always better off alone. I know who watches the casket burn. The people who will be there at the end are already counted. I only need onr hand. Everyone else, let me burn out, ill only fade away. I'm done being angry for angers sake but im real sick of someone dragging me into their drama and them complaining I dont care enough or pay attenion to them. I don't do anyone else's drama I have enough of my own. Also, I DONT CARE. I never have and I never will. Its easier that way. Blame me and l...

Nothing fucking changes. We go from crisis to crisis. All I know is that someone who isn't kin to me has no reason to be treating his little sister and nephew the way he does. I am going to marry that girl finally. I dont know when I dont know how but there is no reason this constant fuckin lack of respect and this cycle of abuse and enabling needs to continue. You've never respected her. And i do. She and that little boy are my world. We are just complicated. Im trying to uncomplicate it. There was a reason family engagements were kept at arms length because I saw 20 years ago you didnt respect her, I know that you never fucking respected me. I dont care if you respect me, I know you fear me thats enough. All I want her to have is the peace I'm currently seeking. If i Need to be Mr. Mayhem to achieve that i have no issues doing so. No fucks given. I am scary. I am a mentally ill loner that society has rejected. I stand apart and I am not fucking afraid of anyone. Includin...

Things are starting to make a little more sense now. I am looking for peace but I also know what the last stop at the station leads to. I have no doubt of that. And I have no regrets about constantly extending the olive branch. It will always happen.  I see my future in your eyes. I always have. I still do. And he stands beside  you now. We need to think about somewhere else. Im not sure long term what the solution is. I know that every root we have is poisoned or ruins. I want you safe and free from drama. I always have. I will always be here. I will always be waiting. I want you to make a decision by the time im 50 but we have time still. I love you. Always. I know where I stand in our last moments already. I just want the moments in between. Those are the important ones.  We have given so many up. There are precious few we could have back. My life doesnt lead to you. You have to come to mind. We need to fix things or figure things out on our own terms. Not the wor...