Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I have spent most of my life alone or confined or constricted by expectations or responsibility or the consequences of my own stupid fuckin actions. Staring into the abyss doesnt fucking bother me. I dont like to feel like I am nothing because my life didn't go the way others want it to. At the end of the day the only person tbat gives a damn about me is my inner circle and that has had some severe damage done to it and some of its members in the last few years...  Someone on the outside looking in without their own house in order shouldn't be throwing fucking stones.. because ho ho ho I have a machine gun. I dont judge where you are in your life, you dont even get to rank in mine when you are barely in my orbit. Take care of your own responsibilities, Ill deal with mine. Cast your fucking judgement somewhere else. Theres a reason I closed that damn door years ago. Theres a reason all doors but one that lead to me are closed. No one else is worthy, and even if they were someone...

Anyone that wants to be an emotional or financial drain on my fucking life can kindly find the fucking door and see your way out if my life. I'm fucking done pretending to give a damn about anyone hut myself and my immediate family and loved ones. Its becoming very clear that I am being manipulated by people who are barely in orbit in my fucking life.   I don't do well with this time of fucking year and I can get violently sad, yet its the same fucking voices in my ear telling me how much worse or better there life is. I don't care. My life just Is. Its all I want it to be but I'm getting real fucking sick if being other's sounding board and emotional support animal. That privilege is reserved for only one woman and to be honest, right now im not speaking to her, and I'm also not angry at her. But she the one person that gets carte blanche to treat me like that. The only person. Feeling like I am a crutch for others to lean on and justify themselves and their ...

It isn't apathy or laziness why I haven't been doing things lately. Its not even anger. Its just a reality that with everyone in my life its the same old bullshit and as long as I am shackled to the apron strings of multiple responsibilities its not going to get any better. Im trying to fix things for me and those around me and it just digs a bigger and bigger empty black hole. I am not sure how much longer I fucking tolerate it before I choose a third option. I'm sick of doing things and being under appreciated and having my efforts fall on fucking deaf ears. I hate struggling when I shouldn't be either. This will be a year of decisions or it will end in a moment that defines me for the next decade. I dont really care. I haven't in a while but im starting to realize status quo is toxic and it needs to change before I do.  I don't do starvation diet for anyone and I hate walking on eggshells around someone i care about because of them being prone to outbursts. I...

  There's nothing left to fight for. Win or lose we fought the battle till the end. And then it just ended. Whatever we are, whatever we were, its spent five fucking years being a ghost of what it once was.. I stopped fighting long ago when I made peace with you, but every fucking day its still a fucking war In my head. I still question every moment and wonder when the next moment is coming. Waxing poetically I think it was better when I had something to fight, either for you or agianst you. This nothingness removes you from my life too often and nothing replaces it. Its just easier with every big moment to be become even more numb and continue on. Because thats status quo, I'm not comfortable with that. I'm also not the one to let the walls fall if we made a change, see my life my castles are in ruins. All that crumbles now are your illusions if you ever choose to face the truth. Ill just dance in the rotting bones that remain of both of our lives, with or without you and...

Have we finally reached a finality? Is this the moment where I once agian walk away for good. I feel nothing for making an effort anymore and wonder how much of the last few years has been performative or of the thought i had nothing left. Five fucking years ago I bought that ring. It was all I had left then and it was done in anger then, now im not even sure you deserve that energy. Im just done. There is nothing left.  Nothing owed and Nothing left to give. I have made every attempt. There is no reason any longer to try. So I won't. You win. This is your happy ending. Me as the constant villian for your story to line up as it should. My life is still better for knowing you and aspiring to be a better person but I didn't destroy me, thats on you. That's always been on you. My failure then and now and likely forever is not recognizing it, blinded by my emotions I allowed you to manipulate me into the box I am in. I should have walked away then, I am walking away now. You ha...

  I will always try. That is my nature. And the nature of my feelings. I am here. The only reason I am here is because of the two of you. I talked myself into not doing something that I should have done. Even if the answer would have been No. It was expected this year. I am no longer listening to the external voices in my head, I have enough trouble with the ones in my head. I know how I feel and I know why I make these attempts. I shouldn't deviate from these patterns. I tried.  From now on, I do whatever I feel like doing and follow my fucking heart and not listen to others that have no emotional stake in the matter. This is my life and my heart and my family. Its where i need to be. Its who I need to be. This trip was just about being here and close to you on christmas. That's all it ever is. That's why I come. At christmas I try. Period. You are both loved, always unconditionally. I'm sorry I wasnt at table rock on the 25th. I should have been.