Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I hate that you hurt and all I can do to help you with that pain is just be here at your side when its wanted. I cant fix you easily but im trying. I am here. I will always be here. Thats not ever in question. That was proven today. Moment's notice. I'm sad,  I was there tonight. But you needed me to be. So did he. Wherever we go from here. Yoire aware of where i stand. You hurt, I'm where I said id be, right beside you. Always. I wish I could take all your pain away and absorb it into myself, and heal you. I'm trying.

We live in moments. I'm good with that, thats always been our pattern and our history. It may change and end up going back to a 2 decade old status quo, it may not.  We were diffeent people then, more innocent. Either way im happy with just having the little bit of daylight and the healing that comes along with it.  I know how i feel and that it never goes away. Its registering. We don't need to be together to be a family, but it feels a lot nicer when we are. And thats a forthcoming decision sooner than later. Doing something new that was inherently familar meant a lot. All that matters is that the two of you are safe in my arms and I can be the big goon that keeps the world away if needed. It is the way it should be.  We are healing. Whatever that means. My family is still healing. I will always be here. That part i know exactly where I stand. I will always be here with them, even aginast the world when and if needed. I should have shown that more a long time ago.

Wanting me to stay but telling me to push away all my freinds. That will fucking happen. over your petty jealousy.these are the people that kept me alive when my whole world fell apart. I may love you But this particular condition is a bridge too far. I will always choose those that were loyal to me.   You fucked off for your own personal reasons and left me in the wilderness for two fucking decades. Just because outside reasons had me fucking forgive you, doesnt mean I have forgotten the scar you placed upon all our lives.. You dont deserve the right to choose my freinds I get to care for... and I would never sacrifice them just to be with you. I feel things deeply, but this time all I feel is the darkest taint of the usual betrayal. You dont get to dictate terms, neither of us won. Both of us lost the war. This is simply the aftermath, its barely even detente. We just stumble on to oblivion.  I'm done fighting your battles and being miserable myself because of it. I cant si...

You think I want to escape from this? There is no escape from this! At the end of the day i know exactly where I stand, and i will always be here. But the moment is slowly ticking away to where it will be anything more than old emotions and affection. I know my net worth and who the fuck I am, there will be a change when the clock ticks fifty. I will always be there and care cuz of responsibilities. You will always be my family, the only one I will ever have. Thats a fact. But I cannot sit there and play these games constantly over the sands of time and all these years. You know what the fuck I want, all I have ever wanted, but if can't have it I will move on. Endgame as always. Everything or nothing. The rules are well defined. Nothing has ever changed. Its understood. The differnce is this time ive decided that there is a line in the sand and a fucking moment that everything will fucking end. Find yourself right with your illusions and jealousy or lose that part of me forever....

Our lives are in moments and memories, thats all thats left to us. Choices were made moments were lost. I want whatever of them remains, every damn one of them shouldn't be a battle based on your choices in life. You pushed me away 20 plus years ago. Theres no reason for me to have any guilt all I have ever tried is regain a few of those fucking moments that were lost to us. All I have ever tried to do is be there for you. Not everything in fucking life needs to be an uphill battle. I am at peace in my life except for the turmoil that is yours. I try to be your peace but you made me the enemy. You made me a weapon to blame. So to preserve your fucking peace that you have very little of. Ill allow you to make me the bad guy. Id rather be the bad guy and the fucking villian. At least our backstory is fucking interesting and people fear and respect me. How the fuck you expect me to process shit that your own decisions have caused while I need to constantly be strong for you, is beyo...

I know who I am. I know who i use my dark side to truly protect. I've made peace with the fact im never going to be an angel, I know im damned. But that doesnt mean I can do some good things while i'm here and protect those that I love. Without question. That will never change. I am here, I will always be here.