Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I dont know the next step. I don't claim to. I just know I'm working to rebuild a relationship that has been fractured for many years. That includes both of you. I am here. I will always be here, I have always been here that will never change  This weekend was epic and it felt right. I don't know what will happen but i do know that I am at peace with being civil and polite with your mom. It was nice to have a little adventure as a family. It felt right. It what was missing in our lives. Thank you. 

I've never gave a rats ass about being the bad guy. But I have cared about being a fairweather freind and how I reflect on being a role model to my son. I will walk away from any bad actors or bad relationships that endanger the relationship I am slowly attempting to rebuild.  I know I can be a prick. But when you hurt someone I care about, I do not trust you that you may affect those I care about. I burn bridges with gasoline while I'm standing upon them.  It wont be the first multiple decade freindship ive demolished, it won't be the last. Im starting to reevaluate a lot of drinking buddies agian to see who is actually something and who I just party with. If I'm obviously moving in a direction thats going to have me ghosting someone whose been around for a minute, so be it. It wont even be the first one this year. I dont look back. And I dont care, if I exclude you from my life, thats an ending that's where its done.  I am making choices for my future and its pret...

  You are loved. So is he. Tonight was fun. It felt like I was Home agian. You are the only home I have left. She was remembered. She was loved too. I cant think of a better way to honor her than to have our little family together for a moment. Thats all we need. Healing will come. 

It will never be this easy or this simple. I am a fool to belive that it ever could be. I am simply the constant and the albatross we all must carry remains. I revel in being the shadow threat because I know what there is to protect and those things and people that should be forgot, but there is someone of value that shall never be forgot. I need to honor that. I need to honor a promise to her. I need to stand atop this hill and pretend like all is status quo, forever waiting for a moment that may never come. I can fucking deal with the end that never comes, because its mot my end and as long as the two of us exist in this never ending downward spiral, it will not end. It fucking sucks that I have to be the silent threat that brings the two people in this world comfort. I have always know that i am the weapon and rock fucking wall when and if I am needed. A Silent Partner, sadly I feel like one day all that will be left is for me to be the avenger, on that day my soul will truly die a...

I choose to be happy, I choose to have whoever is in my life sharing my adventures. Hopefully that part continues and I can share the people i care about most in this life, family and freinds all in further adventures together. I'm trying. Thats all I can do. I play by my own rules and I don't answer to anyone but myself. I'm loved and respected for the same reasons I am feared. I am ok with that. I simply get to Be. And enjoy myself. I'm also ok with that. If my life stays status quo im good with that, if things change im also good with that. If thats where my life leads, I am finally.ok with that.  But I will always hope for more and what's missing to also be there.

A hero will sacrifice the person they love to save the world, but a villain will sacrifice the world to save the person they love. I am sick of living other people's lives for them while I just sit here and watch my own and the things I prioritize pass me.bye because of peomises and doing the right thing. I've always done the right thing for someone else. Ive always tried to be the fine and upstanding perfect gentleman that I was never raised to be. When does it become too much? When do I realize that life has passed me by because of other people's expectations of what should abd shouldn't be.  Its infected another generation, and I have to wonder do I allow myself to take the fucking hit or have my son affected. My decisions are mine, I sleep just fine at night. I have no regrets in my life. I'm not sure that many in this life, and particularly on my life can say the same.. if you can, im not in a glass house, im in a fragile tower of ruins, but here cast the first...