Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

  At this point i am choosing the devil I know and it being complicated over people that clearly only need me when they need or want something. When I look over the ruins if my life there is only one constant. And while we are damaged and I shoukd have walked away completely shes never really taken advantage of me or asked me for anything up to and including child support, so maybe I really need to consider what happens next. My life doesnt reach that far to her world, but maybe soon I can let her into my world some more.  Not sure tje next step but I'm definitely starting to consider that some of these temporary people in my life just aren't going to be there while she is. There is a distinction there. One thats always been. Shes chosen to be connected to me for the rest of our lives. Thats big. This last year I've lost enough supposed ride or die freinds I'm starting to actually consider who will be there at the end. She's always a consideration. But I'm done...

I live my life. Free of anyone elses decisions. I have my own set of morals and a code and I will always fucking try. But there are days I just need to take a step back and do somethings for me. Right now the answer to that is concerts and having fun.  There will be some answers given this year or there will be some serious fucking changes in my life. I'm sick of just feeling lije I'm performing in my life and just being an accessory to some people who continue to let me fucking down. Survival just isn't enough anymore. And glass houses do have stones. I have the first rock, if needed. I'm done allowing people to pick and choose there place in my life.  Ive been searching for peace when maybe i should have been seeking mayhem. Fifty years almost and im either depressed or angry all the time. I dont have the energy for either. I want to be happy,I want to have good things and good experiences. I don't want to be constantly punching my hand agianst a wall waiting fo...

When every day is just a knife fight for fucking survival and nothing ever changes, what the fuck am I doing here? Twenty years in the same fucking motion. Nothing ever changes. It's just a motherfucking holding pattern. There has to be more to this life than survival. There has to be more to my life than the occasional escape and phone call reminder of the man I once was. I walk away to protect you from me, I don't play your controlling mindgames for a reason. I control the narrative, love me, hate me, loathe me, you will do at least two things, you will fucking respect me, and you will not forget me, even when it would be easier if I was forgotten.  I damage people lives, thats why no one ever stays. As hard as I fucking try I am ultimately aware of how fucking disposable I am, to my girl, to my child, to my freinds ive known since before high school... how many of them are left? Its just a march to be truly alone. Whats fucking point. Fifty years old and I will sit down alon...

I don't do fucking cryptic and I dont play fucking high-school childish games with the person I life i love the most save my son, I will walk away. I have before. Without a word and without looking back. You betrayed me. I never fucking betrayed you. I even came back after I had no reason to just to have you betray me a second fucking time. I'm still trying to be a good husband and a father even now. Both of these fucking things you have denied me. Why bother. Hes of legal age and there were moments where you could have been there and you fucking weren't. Why shoukd I care now. I don't. Only time i put effort into anything in my life and you treat it like an afterthought. I thought I was happy and then you come into it and unbalance things. Including me. I don't know if it need you as an element of my fucking life. I for sure dont need you in orbit playing mind games. Verbal sparring and emotional mindgames need to end some time. You are important and you are in my ...

Life is too short to be constantly fucking pissed off like this. Especially over things that have no substance and do not fucking matter. I have real things that i need to address and maybe I should walk away from some of these distractions. I was always better when i was focused on the important things rather than the mindless distractions. When people drag me down i simply stop associating with them, there is only one person that gets that exemption and i would gladly follow her into hell. However, even there the rules are very rigid. I dont fold for anyone. I never have. I'll stand my ground. What I wont stand for is not being respected.  I'm sick of being angry about things I cannot control. Ending this is something I can control. So at this point walking away isn't enough. This time I am going to do something drastic and put the exclamation point on it. I have enough drama in my life i don't need something someone I care about having it ruined by useles...

  I live every day with the fear of another loved one dying in my arms and/or my door being smashed in and my life being destroyed agian. If i decide to move on to protect the little bit of mental health and peace i have left. You are all gone. Forgotten. Thats where I am agian. It might be time to go fucking dark. I'm already nuts and institutional. Whats the world minus one more crazy conservative? I don't need to be here for anyone except my own inner circle and even those people, they drop like flies. The difference is before there was forgiveness. Now there's an absolute finalty. If you remove you from my chess board you are fucking gone. It's always only about the little king and the black queen anyways. And even the black queen is in a consideration to be forgotten herself agian. I don't have anyone thats always gonna be there at the end except for my own worst enemy. So I am cold or ablivent to losing someone in my life? Yeah I cut the love of my life out o...