Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I am trying to be patient. I owe her that. There is only so much more time in our lives and she needs to heal to be in the place I am in or my family doesnt heal completely. I faced part of the problem and part of it is within myself. But I know I need to be patient and wait because if we rush into things it will onky do more damage than good. There is a lot to think about and figure out. Not all of it on my side. Some hard changes and decisions need to come. This is no longer a pipe dream. I just need to wait a moment. All I know is no matter the outcome, I'm good with being civil and having them in my life. Thzts the best feeling ever. If it leads to more sure, if its a new status quo. Im good with that too. He's in my life. Thats what matters most.

  I was born of fire. I started in hell in terms of my upbringing. You think you know battle? My whole life has been war. Why do you think I make such an good soldier. I am a warrior.   The problem is now I am a warrior at peace when I need to remind myself thats not always what's needed and buried anger might not be the way to function.  There are reasons to act that way. But there are moments that side needs to shine thru more. Even if it just to legitimize the threat. I don't live in the in-between. I face all of my responsibilities daily. My life has never been easy but I have always dealt with them, ready to face battle.   I want to be gentle, I want to be at peace, but I know at my core the demon is underneath. As long as he only comes out as a protective entity for those I love, me and him have an arrangement. But I dont live in dreams, I live in this world. And for all of us this world is a fucking nightmare. I've earned my place at her table. Ove...

Victory or failure. This is where it ends for me. Either i get my family back or I walk away with my hand still in. These all options im prepared to accept at the end of this moment. If the door is open, I will honor her memory, I will honor them, the way I always should have. She's not wrong, in every moment I should have fought harder. I'm fighting now. And I am never giving up. I'm not a good person, but im trying to be and I know im antisocial and I don't play well with others. I know exactly how bad company i can be when im sitting at a bar with someone that wouldn't eat at my table. I tried to forgive I truly did. The best I can offer is to be fucking civil and help. I owe her that. She was good to me.   But respect goes a long way and I know when its not there. And I dont even care if you love me, hate me, or tolerate me, you will fucking respect me. When you don't, you dont exist. And you dont respect the ones I care the most about including most innoc...

I hate that you hurt and all I can do to help you with that pain is just be here at your side when its wanted. I cant fix you easily but im trying. I am here. I will always be here. Thats not ever in question. That was proven today. Moment's notice. I'm sad,  I was there tonight. But you needed me to be. So did he. Wherever we go from here. Yoire aware of where i stand. You hurt, I'm where I said id be, right beside you. Always. I wish I could take all your pain away and absorb it into myself, and heal you. I'm trying.

We live in moments. I'm good with that, thats always been our pattern and our history. It may change and end up going back to a 2 decade old status quo, it may not.  We were diffeent people then, more innocent. Either way im happy with just having the little bit of daylight and the healing that comes along with it.  I know how i feel and that it never goes away. Its registering. We don't need to be together to be a family, but it feels a lot nicer when we are. And thats a forthcoming decision sooner than later. Doing something new that was inherently familar meant a lot. All that matters is that the two of you are safe in my arms and I can be the big goon that keeps the world away if needed. It is the way it should be.  We are healing. Whatever that means. My family is still healing. I will always be here. That part i know exactly where I stand. I will always be here with them, even aginast the world when and if needed. I should have shown that more a long time ago.

Wanting me to stay but telling me to push away all my freinds. That will fucking happen. over your petty jealousy.these are the people that kept me alive when my whole world fell apart. I may love you But this particular condition is a bridge too far. I will always choose those that were loyal to me.   You fucked off for your own personal reasons and left me in the wilderness for two fucking decades. Just because outside reasons had me fucking forgive you, doesnt mean I have forgotten the scar you placed upon all our lives.. You dont deserve the right to choose my freinds I get to care for... and I would never sacrifice them just to be with you. I feel things deeply, but this time all I feel is the darkest taint of the usual betrayal. You dont get to dictate terms, neither of us won. Both of us lost the war. This is simply the aftermath, its barely even detente. We just stumble on to oblivion.  I'm done fighting your battles and being miserable myself because of it. I cant si...