Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

You think I want to escape from this? There is no escape from this! At the end of the day i know exactly where I stand, and i will always be here. But the moment is slowly ticking away to where it will be anything more than old emotions and affection. I know my net worth and who the fuck I am, there will be a change when the clock ticks fifty. I will always be there and care cuz of responsibilities. You will always be my family, the only one I will ever have. Thats a fact. But I cannot sit there and play these games constantly over the sands of time and all these years. You know what the fuck I want, all I have ever wanted, but if can't have it I will move on. Endgame as always. Everything or nothing. The rules are well defined. Nothing has ever changed. Its understood. The differnce is this time ive decided that there is a line in the sand and a fucking moment that everything will fucking end. Find yourself right with your illusions and jealousy or lose that part of me forever....

Our lives are in moments and memories, thats all thats left to us. Choices were made moments were lost. I want whatever of them remains, every damn one of them shouldn't be a battle based on your choices in life. You pushed me away 20 plus years ago. Theres no reason for me to have any guilt all I have ever tried is regain a few of those fucking moments that were lost to us. All I have ever tried to do is be there for you. Not everything in fucking life needs to be an uphill battle. I am at peace in my life except for the turmoil that is yours. I try to be your peace but you made me the enemy. You made me a weapon to blame. So to preserve your fucking peace that you have very little of. Ill allow you to make me the bad guy. Id rather be the bad guy and the fucking villian. At least our backstory is fucking interesting and people fear and respect me. How the fuck you expect me to process shit that your own decisions have caused while I need to constantly be strong for you, is beyo...

I know who I am. I know who i use my dark side to truly protect. I've made peace with the fact im never going to be an angel, I know im damned. But that doesnt mean I can do some good things while i'm here and protect those that I love. Without question. That will never change. I am here, I will always be here.

I dont know the next step. I don't claim to. I just know I'm working to rebuild a relationship that has been fractured for many years. That includes both of you. I am here. I will always be here, I have always been here that will never change  This weekend was epic and it felt right. I don't know what will happen but i do know that I am at peace with being civil and polite with your mom. It was nice to have a little adventure as a family. It felt right. It what was missing in our lives. Thank you. 

I've never gave a rats ass about being the bad guy. But I have cared about being a fairweather freind and how I reflect on being a role model to my son. I will walk away from any bad actors or bad relationships that endanger the relationship I am slowly attempting to rebuild.  I know I can be a prick. But when you hurt someone I care about, I do not trust you that you may affect those I care about. I burn bridges with gasoline while I'm standing upon them.  It wont be the first multiple decade freindship ive demolished, it won't be the last. Im starting to reevaluate a lot of drinking buddies agian to see who is actually something and who I just party with. If I'm obviously moving in a direction thats going to have me ghosting someone whose been around for a minute, so be it. It wont even be the first one this year. I dont look back. And I dont care, if I exclude you from my life, thats an ending that's where its done.  I am making choices for my future and its pret...