Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

 Yesterday, everything changed. Its a new chapter. 15 years to get this far. Sometimes its worth it. All I know is unconditional love is aways worth it.

  I'm done with fucking fake freinds and convention drama. More than willing to.walk away when I feel like im being used or being stabbed in the back by people who have been on my radar for a decade but have never contributed anything of substance to my life. Esp. The ones that have never contributed anything in iver and decade and are connected to a memory of a former freind id rather fucking forget. It was a cool moment but at this fucking point. If you are not with me you are agianst me and everyone right now feels like they are agianst me in the scene. Thats fine. I'm used to being hated. I dont give a damn. You don't affect me or my personal life. I said id stop when it stopped being fun. Some things have a shelf life. Every thing has its limits. I just need mine to evolve. I think it has naturally. But it may be time for Dumbledore to be done very soon. And when it completely stops being fun otherwise it'll completely be done. Never had any issues walking away, ...

  At this point i am choosing the devil I know and it being complicated over people that clearly only need me when they need or want something. When I look over the ruins if my life there is only one constant. And while we are damaged and I shoukd have walked away completely shes never really taken advantage of me or asked me for anything up to and including child support, so maybe I really need to consider what happens next. My life doesnt reach that far to her world, but maybe soon I can let her into my world some more.  Not sure tje next step but I'm definitely starting to consider that some of these temporary people in my life just aren't going to be there while she is. There is a distinction there. One thats always been. Shes chosen to be connected to me for the rest of our lives. Thats big. This last year I've lost enough supposed ride or die freinds I'm starting to actually consider who will be there at the end. She's always a consideration. But I'm done...

I live my life. Free of anyone elses decisions. I have my own set of morals and a code and I will always fucking try. But there are days I just need to take a step back and do somethings for me. Right now the answer to that is concerts and having fun.  There will be some answers given this year or there will be some serious fucking changes in my life. I'm sick of just feeling lije I'm performing in my life and just being an accessory to some people who continue to let me fucking down. Survival just isn't enough anymore. And glass houses do have stones. I have the first rock, if needed. I'm done allowing people to pick and choose there place in my life.  Ive been searching for peace when maybe i should have been seeking mayhem. Fifty years almost and im either depressed or angry all the time. I dont have the energy for either. I want to be happy,I want to have good things and good experiences. I don't want to be constantly punching my hand agianst a wall waiting fo...

When every day is just a knife fight for fucking survival and nothing ever changes, what the fuck am I doing here? Twenty years in the same fucking motion. Nothing ever changes. It's just a motherfucking holding pattern. There has to be more to this life than survival. There has to be more to my life than the occasional escape and phone call reminder of the man I once was. I walk away to protect you from me, I don't play your controlling mindgames for a reason. I control the narrative, love me, hate me, loathe me, you will do at least two things, you will fucking respect me, and you will not forget me, even when it would be easier if I was forgotten.  I damage people lives, thats why no one ever stays. As hard as I fucking try I am ultimately aware of how fucking disposable I am, to my girl, to my child, to my freinds ive known since before high school... how many of them are left? Its just a march to be truly alone. Whats fucking point. Fifty years old and I will sit down alon...