A hero will sacrifice the person they love to save the world, but a villain will sacrifice the world to save the person they love.
I am sick of living other people's lives for them while I just sit here and watch my own and the things I prioritize pass me.bye because of peomises and doing the right thing. I've always done the right thing for someone else. Ive always tried to be the fine and upstanding perfect gentleman that I was never raised to be. When does it become too much? When do I realize that life has passed me by because of other people's expectations of what should abd shouldn't be.
Its infected another generation, and I have to wonder do I allow myself to take the fucking hit or have my son affected. My decisions are mine, I sleep just fine at night. I have no regrets in my life. I'm not sure that many in this life, and particularly on my life can say the same.. if you can, im not in a glass house, im in a fragile tower of ruins, but here cast the first stone...
Standing still and facing the problem and fighting the problem just lead to continuing decline in my quality of life, always trusting the authorities and bad advice over the things that my heart wanted good or bad. There were plenty of crossroads where it was fight or flight, I didnt understand then that there was valor in surrender and walking away. Not how I was raised how I was taught. My life only improved when I laid down the sword, but make no mistake, I still know how to hold the hilt and swing if needed when most precious blood is threatened.
But I wonder sometimes, had this feral animal had a flee response, if the undying need to protect his cub would have worked out in the end. Maybe flee is the correct response, ive never had an issue walking away. I still don't. If its what's needed in the environment that im faced with. I never ran away from a problem but I walked away and never looked back.
At some point I want to reach my arms around my world and hold them and take them somewhere else, just start over somewhere else. Be Someone else, the family we were supposed to be.
Thats the natural order of things, thats what supposed to be, but we are were born so fucking damaged long before any relationships that its been an impossibility. All I can do is try to repair things, im sick of doing the right things, or the intelligent things, or the legal thing.. I'll follow my heart and my gut instinct, ill figure out the conquences along the way... my mind is already a prison cell. I've served my time in this blank wall of depression. I've done the right thing for people who didnt give me the time of day and kept my mouth shut on expectations and disrespect for long fucking enough. Time for some retaliating. I don't need your fucking help, because there's always something attached. And the others I'm angry at is an open wound that always remains. Why is my standard of living better than my child's when he had all the oppurtintys yet I had none, still the rose that came from the concrete made something of himself, once. It was taken away, but still I exceed my expectations. I have done it alone. I shouldn't have had to.
Theres still time, and he can follow his father's example, but some elements need to be removed, family can be a rock and family can be a sheild, but family can also be a anchor and an albatross that drags you down. It can be toxic and weigh us down. We know that more than most. We have lost so much, the sands of time are mixed with a loved ones blood. We have lost so much time, lets gain the little bit that we have left back.
That's all i want. Thats all I request. I want whatever time is left. My life and heart are a prison. I want the good things in my life back. If I can't have them I want the good things I have now and thats it. Im sick of feeling me and mine are worthless and unworthy of respect. I am fucking done keeping people's secrets and pretending that I am fine with her always coming undone. Im not. I need her in my life, even adjecently. Him even more so.
The things I need more I think is to start over. Somewhere else, someone else, lets not be remembered.
Lets get out, I want out. It would be one thing if he was marked by his father's sins, but he was not. This curse and albatross shouldn't apply to me, much less him. It's not fucking fair and it needs to end.
Not going to be weighed down anymore by those that dont really care about him, and by extension me and her. I didnt grow up entitled, I grew up a weapon and a threat, my son isn't that and I dont ever want him feeling the need to become one.
Even in self defense, because he has to. Because he needs to.
My quality of life has not improved in tbe last twenty years and has extremely deterioriated in the last thing. Doing the right thing has its benefits but never for me in the long term. I hate Hamilton. I shouldn't be here. Its just like niagara for them. Its no longer safe. Its time to move along. Its time to run away. Its time to be away. I can't be angry like this agian.
Lets get out, lets be gone. As if we never existed. No one needs to remember our name. Lets just be gone.
Start over.
I want out, but I want to take you with me.
All I know is when I leave one chapter of my life, its not running away, its doing the right thing for me and my mental health and what's right for the people I care about. People.that take advantage and live in glass houses that dont belong to tbem need to realize that one day there might not be a parachute there. When I forget you exist and remove you from my life you are gone. Thats where I am with this situation. I need to get them away from it and never looking back. Just like I do.
here's only one exception, and staying with a hand involved in his life was always the best decision I ever needed to do.
No regrets in my life, there's red in my Ledger and things I could have done better but there are things I could have done worse but what's done is done. I'm thru looking back. Im done doing things for expectations of people who aren't even my family. Kin is supposed to care not bring you down and destroy every thing that is yours.
We need to be Gone. We need Out.
Don't live in my glass house when I have a machine gun. I will burn it and everything else down to protect my own. I tried to do the right thing by them always. Its the one damn thing ive done right in my life. I will always protect my own. But, I have always had to do it alone. Even when I was fighting the person I loved the most in the world other than my son.
No more external factors.
I like my world, I like my adventures. I enjoy my freinds. But for the love of a single innocent I would walk away from it all. Thats where I am right now. He and her need the peace ive been seeking the last few years. Maybe I'm it. Maybe I'm not. But I promise you, i'm not the one dragging them down.
Im focusing on my family now. Ive done enough for the ungrateful around me and I've done enough for the people that are at arms length on her side of the equation. I just need to do for me and mine. Thats it. And we need out.
I don't have any reason to look back. I choose too. My life doesn't change at all if I do. Only one thing improves and isn't that the one thing I've been fighting for all of his life?
Worth it.
If this is how my family heals, its worth it. Always.
This is not the season to fuck with my family.. i will scorch the earth to save the girl I love, I will destroy the universe for my child.
I no longer feel safe with status quo. Something needs to fucking change. Period. Its time for all of us to be something else, somewhere else.
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