Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Its time for me to remeber who I am. I am not someone to be fucking loved, I am someone to be feared. I have tried for far to fucking long to try to be the good person everyone has always told me that I'm not.... so why not embrace all the negative qualities? I might have a better life if I was selfish and walked all over people with no regard for their emotions. Girls dig the assholes that treat them like shit anyways. Why try to be the hero, everyone already thinks I'm DOCTOR FUCKING DOOM anyways.  I can't give you any quarter because backing down is not in either of our nature's, and being at war and the enemy of each other is the natural state. That way you dont have to deal with pain. Its understood. Its why historically I have allowed you to paint my back as your favorite fucking target. I can handle it. Hulk strongest there is. Every knife you've ever had has already been slipped between my ribs. Theres not much vertebrae left. I am angry. That's all i ...

  Happy Birthday.  I love you and I will always be here for you. No more fighting today. I just want you to have a happy day and enjoy your day. Ill be here when needed.  But I am not needed today. Take a break from everyone in your life and let the voices from all of us go silent. Just enjoy your day. I'll be here eventually to pick up the pieces but my angry opinion is not needed on your day. I want you to just have a happy one without me.  Just enjoy your day and be happy. Thats all I've ever wanted for you. Happy Birthday.

I don't make life changes or choices rashly, not anymore. But there has to be an end to misery sometime, maybe we made a long term somewhere. Maybe we need to correct that. I'm just sick of you being sad. There is too much in your and his life that I have been sheltered from, but there are things that wouldn't have happened on my watch as well. That was denied me. I'm starting to understand some of the deeper reasons why. I don't have the answers. But I am starting to understand some of the fucking questions and why external factors that created our end. The issue was never me. It still isn't me. I'm just wandering thru life trying to do the right thing. For me that includes my little family.  I don't know where we stand. There are illusions that don't make sense. All I know is I'm trying to do the right thing. Even if it leads to failure, im prepared for that. Second chances don't come around all that often. I suggest you take ...

  When other names that should be long buried keep creeping into our current rather than being part of our history its time to move on. These things should be history. We need to move on. We have been stuck in the same places for far far too fucking long. It has been a long time since I have gone from crisis to crisis. My life is at peace because I stopped chasing things. There is a reason for that. Our lives are complicated. We are complicated, but I never had any concerns that external forces would attempt to destroy us. I wish I had seen all that coming. None of it has ever made any sense. Once upon a time we were pure. You and me agianst the world. Now it kind of has to be, you and me and him agianst the world.  I'm sick of fighting. I just want the three of us to have some sort of peace. Together or not. Minus my loved ones I am sick of a city and region that I am only a constant visitor in. Why the hell my name, and its not even my name is still spoken when I left the ci...

I wonder sometimes if you chose me because you knew, deep inside, that i was the strongest one out there and I could endure the fucking storm that both of our lives... look at what the chaos that is us created. Hes perfect.  I will always be the protector when I need to be. Hulk strongest there is. Hulk strongest avenger. I know where I stand in the world and this universe. But I dont fear anyone and anything. I never have... the onky nightmares in my life anymore are when I close my eyes.. I'm at peace, but I still have that side when its needed. He can come out to play without a question when I want him too. Hes hidden deep but my demon only sleeps. And me and my demon get along buietifully. We have an arrangement. But you don't want me to let him out to feed.  There is a darkness that my strength cones from, I'm very aware of that. Ive lived with that since before I can remeber. The fucking thing he should not and should never have had to. That's on me. I wasnt th...

I am trying to be patient. I owe her that. There is only so much more time in our lives and she needs to heal to be in the place I am in or my family doesnt heal completely. I faced part of the problem and part of it is within myself. But I know I need to be patient and wait because if we rush into things it will onky do more damage than good. There is a lot to think about and figure out. Not all of it on my side. Some hard changes and decisions need to come. This is no longer a pipe dream. I just need to wait a moment. All I know is no matter the outcome, I'm good with being civil and having them in my life. Thzts the best feeling ever. If it leads to more sure, if its a new status quo. Im good with that too. He's in my life. Thats what matters most.

  I was born of fire. I started in hell in terms of my upbringing. You think you know battle? My whole life has been war. Why do you think I make such an good soldier. I am a warrior.   The problem is now I am a warrior at peace when I need to remind myself thats not always what's needed and buried anger might not be the way to function.  There are reasons to act that way. But there are moments that side needs to shine thru more. Even if it just to legitimize the threat. I don't live in the in-between. I face all of my responsibilities daily. My life has never been easy but I have always dealt with them, ready to face battle.   I want to be gentle, I want to be at peace, but I know at my core the demon is underneath. As long as he only comes out as a protective entity for those I love, me and him have an arrangement. But I dont live in dreams, I live in this world. And for all of us this world is a fucking nightmare. I've earned my place at her table. Ove...

Victory or failure. This is where it ends for me. Either i get my family back or I walk away with my hand still in. These all options im prepared to accept at the end of this moment. If the door is open, I will honor her memory, I will honor them, the way I always should have. She's not wrong, in every moment I should have fought harder. I'm fighting now. And I am never giving up. I'm not a good person, but im trying to be and I know im antisocial and I don't play well with others. I know exactly how bad company i can be when im sitting at a bar with someone that wouldn't eat at my table. I tried to forgive I truly did. The best I can offer is to be fucking civil and help. I owe her that. She was good to me.   But respect goes a long way and I know when its not there. And I dont even care if you love me, hate me, or tolerate me, you will fucking respect me. When you don't, you dont exist. And you dont respect the ones I care the most about including most innoc...

I hate that you hurt and all I can do to help you with that pain is just be here at your side when its wanted. I cant fix you easily but im trying. I am here. I will always be here. Thats not ever in question. That was proven today. Moment's notice. I'm sad,  I was there tonight. But you needed me to be. So did he. Wherever we go from here. Yoire aware of where i stand. You hurt, I'm where I said id be, right beside you. Always. I wish I could take all your pain away and absorb it into myself, and heal you. I'm trying.

We live in moments. I'm good with that, thats always been our pattern and our history. It may change and end up going back to a 2 decade old status quo, it may not.  We were diffeent people then, more innocent. Either way im happy with just having the little bit of daylight and the healing that comes along with it.  I know how i feel and that it never goes away. Its registering. We don't need to be together to be a family, but it feels a lot nicer when we are. And thats a forthcoming decision sooner than later. Doing something new that was inherently familar meant a lot. All that matters is that the two of you are safe in my arms and I can be the big goon that keeps the world away if needed. It is the way it should be.  We are healing. Whatever that means. My family is still healing. I will always be here. That part i know exactly where I stand. I will always be here with them, even aginast the world when and if needed. I should have shown that more a long time ago.