Victory or failure. This is where it ends for me. Either i get my family back or I walk away with my hand still in. These all options im prepared to accept at the end of this moment. If the door is open, I will honor her memory, I will honor them, the way I always should have.
She's not wrong, in every moment I should have fought harder. I'm fighting now. And I am never giving up.
I'm not a good person, but im trying to be and I know im antisocial and I don't play well with others. I know exactly how bad company i can be when im sitting at a bar with someone that wouldn't eat at my table. I tried to forgive I truly did. The best I can offer is to be fucking civil and help. I owe her that. She was good to me.
But respect goes a long way and I know when its not there. And I dont even care if you love me, hate me, or tolerate me, you will fucking respect me. When you don't, you dont exist. And you dont respect the ones I care the most about including most innocent blood, the only damn thing you and I have in common. Dont expect to drink at my table agian.
I'm not nobody, and I can handle myself. But I don't tolerate drama in choas in my life and im not being drawn in. I have peace in my head while all thats there is choas.
Give me a reason I will show you just how bad fucking company I am.
The worst kind.
Somethings can be forgotten. Somethings can be forgiven, even. I tried, I truly did. I'm not Angry about it anymore. But things havent changed. I have to be me, the unknown entity.
Somethings cannot be forgotten, and forgiveness ain't an option this time. Not when the same behavior repeats. I'm not the same man I was that night. But I am the same Father to the child involved.
Dont give me a reason to let my bad side show. You've never seen it. You've never really saw me angry. The fact that I have always been has probaly helped. But you dont exist on my level, you shouldn't in theirs.
I know the anchor in our lives, I always have. Thats self evident. Behaviors don't change unless you fucking choose to change them. Not at the end when you are asking forgiveness. I never ask for forgiveness and I never apologize theres a fucking reason for that. I can sleep well at night. I know where I stand. When I meet my maker theres questions, none of them are his judgement on me after what god put me thru on the this earth. I'm the one bringing ammunition and I have plenty of it.
I bring darkness wherever I go. And when I'm not the darkest or most toxic thing in their lives and neither are you. Thats saying something.
I know that I'm damned, but ill be damned if I pull them down with me. I'll die to prevent that.
The fact I looked you in the eye and stood my ground had to happen at some moment. It does not need to ever happen agian.
Youd like my buddies tho. They'd eat you alive, even tho you are on the same wavelength. But I'm not hanging out with them either this summer. Thats also about respect. But they are good company, I'm not.
I'm Bad Company, The worst kind. Dont ask to find out why. Status quo is God. It has to stay that way. Otherwise my Demon wins. And I'm her emotional support demon, the other one isn't needed. Hes simply Bad company, and So am I.
A lot of that is pain, and the fact I failed to be there. We all hurt, i can forgive some, and ive forgiven more than I choose too sometimes. But I also know when there's a moment to stand my ground.
I am who i am, i will always be that. And I will always be there for them, I never asked for anyone's approval then, I don't need it now either. I wont ever ask for it. I simply dont have to.
The diffrence between me and others like you, when I say ill do sonething I do it. All I have is my fucking word, and I will live and die by that word and by my actions regardless, esp to most precious blood. I'm not an oath breaker, and if I promise sonething or give my word to someone I follow through. They need that. Even if I end up just staying at arms length.
Its a hard decision that needs to be made soon. I don't know if the next step is right. I just know that it has to be made. Even if its a No I'll know and he'll know the attempt was made and I'll finally know where I stand.
For the moment I know where I stand, between them and the world as always. Two steps behind if I have to be.
I'm not Angry anymore, just processing. And I know who I am and I'm getting s good idea about where I stand with everything. Somethings have changed, Somethings haven't. Me holding my ground and never backing down will always be one of them. Its just how I'm programmed.
I was born bad, but it doesn't mean there aren't good things within me and I have things of value to contribute. Including my loyalty, my word and my heart.
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