Skip to main content

Dead Horse II

 


When other names that should be long buried keep creeping into our current rather than being part of our history its time to move on. These things should be history. We need to move on. We have been stuck in the same places for far far too fucking long.


It has been a long time since I have gone from crisis to crisis. My life is at peace because I stopped chasing things. There is a reason for that. Our lives are complicated. We are complicated, but I never had any concerns that external forces would attempt to destroy us. I wish I had seen all that coming. None of it has ever made any sense. Once upon a time we were pure. You and me agianst the world. Now it kind of has to be, you and me and him agianst the world. 


I'm sick of fighting. I just want the three of us to have some sort of peace. Together or not.


Minus my loved ones I am sick of a city and region that I am only a constant visitor in. Why the hell my name, and its not even my name is still spoken when I left the city twice over the last few decades, no intentions of ever looking back. But somehow I keep getting drawn back into drama of other people's lives.


Not our own. Make that make sense. Explain it to me.


I am trying to decide where we go from here, but I am starting to see how little I was truly ever the problem and how much environment shaped us, I have always and will always stand apart from Niagara. I am of it, but it is not of me. Its merely the last place in my life i expected permanence. Twice. There us no grand illusion as to why I have some permanence to it despite only living there a few years. But maybe its time to move on.


You need peace in your life. Whatever is happening now isn't it. Somehow back then I was. Somehow now maybe I can be. I jist know we have to get away from others. No more rescue. No more chasing dead horses to save others in our lives.

We need to be Done.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The Laugh Track.

  I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you.  I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when.  Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...

The Trees.

  I am really bothered by someone hurting my tree. I’m not sure the next step but that’s a living thing. I know that there is no healing when our things are still affected negatively by people. I’m not sure what the next step is but I know this is part and parcel of the entire thing and that we can’t heal when people hurt the things we care about.  I don’t have much but I do have a legacy to protect and there is a place where my son needs to feel safe, and I don’t think it will ever be that house agian. But once it was home, there are good memories there. There was love.  Part of that is the peace that was our tree. I’m sick of people damaging the things I love.  The world needs to be better and less selfish. I need peace in mine and her lives. Even if we are separate in our lives. She needs the peace and quiet I have in my life. Even more than I do.  And only one of us has it. 

Father and Son.

I dont know the next step. I don't claim to. I just know I'm working to rebuild a relationship that has been fractured for many years. That includes both of you. I am here. I will always be here, I have always been here that will never change  This weekend was epic and it felt right. I don't know what will happen but i do know that I am at peace with being civil and polite with your mom. It was nice to have a little adventure as a family. It felt right. It what was missing in our lives. Thank you.