Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

We are nowhere. This is the usual place. 26 of my fifty fucking years and we are nowhere. This is a sign. You and i can do this forever or I can move on. Like I have before. The problem is I need to start sticking to it rather than being a disposable option in both of your lives. You control that not me. My life doesnt change being with you. I'd simply move sideways and lose some of the things that make me whole on my own. I don't need a partner for validation. I never have. Thats not why I've been trying these years. Thats never going to be part of my make up. I don't know the next step. But I know despite my feelings and everything I want in my life, two toxic people always fighting are a bad situtation living together for ny child. We always seem to be more civil when there is space. Sadly emotions dominate that and we always end up at odds. Maybe its time for me to take a step back and just wait on you to be whatever. Maybe I can just live the rest of my life doing...

I made a decision and a choice and im sticking to it. You in some shape or fashion have dominated my entire adult life. I am done. There are other options out there. Why am I waiting for soneone who has never and will never truly choose me agian. That moment was over a decade ago. Our moments have been done for over twenty five fucking years. I regret nothing and our time together was a brilliant moment that gave us a glorious son, but hes grown. He's a man now.  I need to choose the next step. I need to move on with my life instead of having the albatross of my past constantly chasing me for false future framing, promises that never come true, and being used when the fractured fucking fallacy of your reality comes crashing in. I have survived nightmares that would have destroyed another man, hulk strongest there is. Sadly one of those nightmares I have had to endure is with you, and I will always be here for you as a result. But I need my own life. And my own choices back. Its tim...

  There was no blog yesterday for a reason. I was very aware of the day it was. No question. But 26 years has absolutely no meaning to you why the fuck should it have any to me? Our moments are just the same old bullshit pawns in our never ending game. Theres a good chance I stop playing soon. I'm fairly certain I know the cost and that it will count as a betrayal but at this point I need to do for me not wait for something to happen. To have a tiny silver of a door open.... Don't you know me? Don't you understand me? I'm the one who kicks fucking doors open. Fifty years old. I'm done waiting. I'll go on as I always have. Doing my own thing. Doing what I want with my own choices. I know where I stand and why I walked away the last time. Pretty sure this time I'm doing it for me. And only me.

You're life is not mine. I have my own. We may share precious blood but you pushed me away long ago. I am not beholden to be keeping a hand in any longer than I choose and I am becoming disinterested in the constant battle to have the scraps at your dinner table. I have walked away before to protect you. I will walk away and let you think I'm the fucking villian as usual. My son knows better. I have very much tried to show him that this past year. If I need to protect your, mine and his mental health and be away from the choas of your family I will walk away. I have nothing and in that is the ultimate freedom. I can walk away. Nothing ties me here except you and Him. But I am not you, the constant battle of your life is not mine. It took me a long time to make peace with the man I and the man I am not. One of us is at peace and one of us is at misery. Amazing how karma changes things. Welcome to my latter half of the past 2 decades. You still blame me for pulling you down to pr...

  Im not begging anyone to be in my life, freinds or family. I'll just keep going on and being me and moving. thats where I am in this life. I'm in the middle part of my own choose your own adventure book. This is the lane I have chosen ill stay in it. All I am is someone who survived despite the choas and toxicity.  I was a better person then, but im a harder person now. I can weather you and protect my family regardless of where I stand. I ain't no twenty year old kid anymore  and there still is a blood fued. I'm sick of being a good person and trying to do the right thing. You and I both know that is far from my natural state and it is not the way of things. Im better when im something to fear. I play the villian well. I play the enemy even better. Why was it always better when we were at a fucking crossroads instead of all this nonsense and a little bit of sunshine and hope. But I am not your enemy, look within yourself, look in your soul. You know who really is. It...

I am a relic from a world that has moved on without me. As each day draws closer to fifty I feel it. I have nothing. An endless legacy of stories and things I've done. But nothing of true value or substance. Save one. My son. At the end if the day, if that's all I was.. if thats all I am. It was worth it.  I dont see as many days ahead as I saw behind and that indicates a lot for me. Im not sure who I want to draw into my orbit anymore. I just want those that are there to stay in it. Ive lost enough people in my life.  I'm already at peace with where I end up. At least there will be answers.  I don't care if I'm liked. I enjoy being hated, intimidating and feared. At least them when i deal with people's interactions they are honest. Id rather be a dark demon than an angel any day.