Story of My Life II

We are nowhere. This is the usual place. 26 of my fifty fucking years and we are nowhere. This is a sign. You and i can do this forever or I can move on. Like I have before. The problem is I need to start sticking to it rather than being a disposable option in both of your lives. You control that not me. My life doesnt change being with you. I'd simply move sideways and lose some of the things that make me whole on my own. I don't need a partner for validation. I never have. Thats not why I've been trying these years. Thats never going to be part of my make up.

I don't know the next step. But I know despite my feelings and everything I want in my life, two toxic people always fighting are a bad situtation living together for ny child. We always seem to be more civil when there is space. Sadly emotions dominate that and we always end up at odds. Maybe its time for me to take a step back and just wait on you to be whatever. Maybe I can just live the rest of my life doing whatever having adventures and occasionally dialing you and him in. I'm having fun and I will always do for him. You and I are a little more complicated. And you and I goddamn well know it.

Story of my Life.

One you have dominated. That's the end of the story. Either you have control or you don't. Have you fucking met me? I don't do control. Not goverment. Not partner. Not anyone. Your current silence has all but made the decision for you for me to walk away. I tried, harder and longer than anyone else would or ever has.

Comments

The Laugh Track.

I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you. I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when. Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...

The Trees.

I am really bothered by someone hurting my tree. I’m not sure the next step but that’s a living thing. I know that there is no healing when our things are still affected negatively by people. I’m not sure what the next step is but I know this is part and parcel of the entire thing and that we can’t heal when people hurt the things we care about. I don’t have much but I do have a legacy to protect and there is a place where my son needs to feel safe, and I don’t think it will ever be that house agian. But once it was home, there are good memories there. There was love. Part of that is the peace that was our tree. I’m sick of people damaging the things I love. The world needs to be better and less selfish. I need peace in mine and her lives. Even if we are separate in our lives. She needs the peace and quiet I have in my life. Even more than I do. And only one of us has it.

Father and Son.

I dont know the next step. I don't claim to. I just know I'm working to rebuild a relationship that has been fractured for many years. That includes both of you. I am here. I will always be here, I have always been here that will never change This weekend was epic and it felt right. I don't know what will happen but i do know that I am at peace with being civil and polite with your mom. It was nice to have a little adventure as a family. It felt right. It what was missing in our lives. Thank you.

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