Im not begging anyone to be in my life, freinds or family. I'll just keep going on and being me and moving. thats where I am in this life. I'm in the middle part of my own choose your own adventure book. This is the lane I have chosen ill stay in it.
All I am is someone who survived despite the choas and toxicity. I was a better person then, but im a harder person now. I can weather you and protect my family regardless of where I stand. I ain't no twenty year old kid anymore and there still is a blood fued.
I'm sick of being a good person and trying to do the right thing. You and I both know that is far from my natural state and it is not the way of things. Im better when im something to fear. I play the villian well. I play the enemy even better. Why was it always better when we were at a fucking crossroads instead of all this nonsense and a little bit of sunshine and hope. But I am not your enemy, look within yourself, look in your soul. You know who really is. It isn't me.
I'm trying to be civil and patient and come back to the one thing that matters in my life but at the end of the day I think its a dead horse and a dead end I just walk away agian. After all a lot of it is just talk and future framing. I'd be an idiot to not recognize that fact. Despite what the heart wants and had always wanted. Logic dictates otherwise. I will always be here for both of you but i have to do some careful consideration on the next moment. As do you, we both have toxic elements in each other lives, and one of us is toxic in some way to the other. The diffrence is one of us recognizes that fact and has attempted to move on and find a place of peace, another sits on a throne of choas and mayhem. I think I'd choose to walk away and find peace if I were you. I did. I tried.
You're still here. Thats not on me. I did walk away. I did make the choice to leave you and his life in peace. Youre still here because you choose to be.
I am not sure the natural next step in our evolution is but i do think we are at a pivotal moment. I'm just trying to do the right thing and honor you. Im trying to be the good husband I never was. But I wont come crawling back either.
There are a few things in our life that don't add up but some of the answers are becoming very clear.
I don't know the next step. I'm just open to it, and I am not dwelling in the past or old grudges and animosity. If things remain status quo there are reasons for it. Im just not being drawn into the drama of others people's lives. I'm indisposible to yours, but only yours and his. Everyone else is secondary.
I've long stopped caring about anyone around you and there well being and there are fucking reasons for that. My only concern is your safety and his and the responsibilities i have here.
That's all that matters. And when you push me away and make me thing other pastures are fucking greener I will walk away. I can and will choose to be alone. Its not like you've given me a fucking choice the last two decades. I may love you and that will never go away. But I also know why I've kept a fucking hand in. And why I will never go away.
That little boy now grown into a man is my pride and joy and always will be. Period.
You think I need anyone? Look at my life, look at the awesome things I do. I only want to enhance his life thats it, if a byproduct of that is you come along for the ride so be it, but at this point that choice to have an end date still fucking applies. I will always try. But not when my attempts keep falling apart. There are options. I am moving on.
A Door is about to close. Permanently.
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