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Anesthesia.


When every day is just a knife fight for fucking survival and nothing ever changes, what the fuck am I doing here? Twenty years in the same fucking motion. Nothing ever changes. It's just a motherfucking holding pattern. There has to be more to this life than survival. There has to be more to my life than the occasional escape and phone call reminder of the man I once was.

I walk away to protect you from me, I don't play your controlling mindgames for a reason. I control the narrative, love me, hate me, loathe me, you will do at least two things, you will fucking respect me, and you will not forget me, even when it would be easier if I was forgotten. 

I damage people lives, thats why no one ever stays. As hard as I fucking try I am ultimately aware of how fucking disposable I am, to my girl, to my child, to my freinds ive known since before high school... how many of them are left? Its just a march to be truly alone. Whats fucking point. Fifty years old and I will sit down alone for easter dinner. Im aware of the dark anniversary as well.

Forgiveness is a word. It does not ever mean that it is forgetfulness. I will always mourn that which was taken away. I will mourn not being their when the two of you needed me most. But that was your doing not mine.

I can live with being miserable, thats been my life most of the last 3 decades. But there were some moments of daylight, sadly you were the brightest one. But thats all faded to darkest grey. 
I simply survive each moment and move on. Thats my calling in life. 

One thing I will give you to your credit is that we were both old souls in our twenties. It hasn't been a simple life for either of us due to our upbringing. Maybe its why I looked in from afar as you raised our son. Hoping things would be better, fearing that they are not.

I get to be angry. Thats my curse. Fifteen years ago you shattered all of our lives a second time. I can't be anything but angry. The only other thing I can do is forgive and keep trying. But some days, the wound hurts more than others.

You are fully aware of why I have no quarter for your bullshit easter weekend. Its a holiday I pay my respects. But... I know where I stand and I know why it hurts. 

I'm just Numb. 

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