Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I am honoured to have you as my brother and to call you family. I enjoy doing our epic adventures and doing all this crazy shit we keep doing. I couldn’t have a better person at my side during all these adventures. If I was to have just one regret it’s we didn’t do more of this when we were younger. Things aren’t always perfect but I’m trying to make it so that you enjoy as much as you can and have all the experiences I have. Id rather do stuff at your side than alone you know that.  Im happy to celebrate your special day as much as I can and as epic as we can because we know time is limited. It’s about making sure we make these moments matter.  Happy birthday Brother.

I like who i am, I like the adventures I go on with those that I love. Today just felt right and there was no bullshit and no drama. Just start to finish mutual respect. I choose to be happy and I choose to not have drama and spend my life doing cool things. There are moments in my life that can be amazing and i am glad I choose peace in my life over the drama, I have enough of that in my back pages. And i don’t need any more of it. These moments are for me and the ones I love to be happy. As for today? Mission accomplished. Happy Birthday Brother. Every year is just gonna get bigger and better.

  Im still choosing me. I don’t need anyone in my life that drags me down. Im good with those I care about and vice versa. Anyone else in my life can come and go, that’s always been the pattern. I choose my own patterns. I chose my own adventures just like the fucking books from when we were kids.  I do things. I do all the things that’s my fucking nature. I don’t need a fucking partner for that. Although I will fucking admit the one I cared about in 2019 did cross my mind tonight. That was a fun night. But I’ve moved past her, and moved past anyone in my back pages. Either be in my fucking life or be history. Im perfectly Fucking happy flying solo, I have my crew i do things with and I’m fucking happy with or without them. I’m at peace without drama in my life and no one is going to change that. I’m going to enjoy who and whatever I am and where I go. Wherever I end up, I know I’m fine. I’ve fought my wars. I’m good with being at peace. I’m gonna stay here and do all the things I coul

I make no Bones that I’m a bad person, and I’m someone who has made mistakes. I take pride in being the bad guy, the villain and most of all a willing sinner. I will take full responsibility for all the things I have done. It’s the one thing I didn’t do I was convicted on. But that was my choice, when I make the gates of St. Peter or the gates of hell I can be judged. After all I have a throne waiting. I hold no illusions as to where I’m headed. The thing is people like you will join me there. I’ll see you on the seventh layer reserved for betrayers. The sad part is that if you remained a fucking ghost I would not have had an issue with you. But you had to make it fucking personal. Father Time has a long memory, and I don’t forget anything. You have some serious skeletons rattling in your closet and I can destroy you. I’m already dead, I’ve already been killed. One shot, Boom. Children’s aid won. Nothing you or anyone else can do, can hurt me. You can only hurt those I care about. And

I am happy. It is a rare day that I can say that I am completely happy. The best part of my day was someone from one of my dads favourite movies complimenting me on my beard. I got to meet a few childhood heros and spend time with some real friends… all of the other concerns just floated away. Just me being me with the people I care about here. That’s all I need in my life. I treasure and value my friend’s that make me happy. I don’t need anyone dragging me down. I need more happy days like today.  I like being me, I have fun adventures with those that I want to have adventures with. I don’t need it to be forced or feel like an obligation to get something. Im gonna live my life and make decisions for me and not have other’s opinions or problems affect me. I like this weird feeling. I feel normal. I feel happy. It’s not something I feel every day. 

Lets burn some fucking bridges, I’m sick of everyone that thinks they are supposedly my friend that only has a use for me for their own agenda. This weekend will tell exactly what happens next with everything but I’m pretty sure that with my responsibilities and concerns that I can continue to do my own thing and be just as happy, probably happier not bothering to do anything with these associated losers from Hamilton. I left this city once, I have no problem from disassociating from other social circles here. Same as leaving the drama associating with people that seem to love it.  I walked away from the con circuit once before and now that it is becoming mixed with other local drama that I don’t give give a damn about. I’ll gladly walk the fuck away again. I don’t need other people. I’ll just do whatever the fuck is needed to do in my life. I don’t need this and my interest in the whole scene is waning anyways.  This cosplay crap stopped being fun as soon as it started. So I’m done. I

You want to fuck with me when all I ever did was ever try to fucking help you? I will make you’re fucking life hell. You have no idea what I have had to deal with in the last 5 years. Unhinged doesn’t even cover it. You wanna fuck with this peace I have found I will fuck with you and you will fucking regret it. I have no fucking patience for people like you in my fucking life. And I will 100% make Sure that you are not part of my life.  You’re just another loser that fucking ripped me off that i distanced myself because of the fucking war. But don’t forget I voluntarily surrendered that war. Doesn’t make me any less of a soldier or a fighter, if you want a fight don’t anonymously poke the warrior, the fucking demon will come out. The demon doesn’t care. The demon knows all your secrets too. Once upon a time we used to be friends. I ate holiday dinners at your house. I can fucking destroy you with accusations too. Too bad I’m not going to do it from a fucking computer. I’ll confront you

Please willingly put yourself in my crosshairs. I give zero fucking fucks if you decide that you want to be my enemy. It’s probably not a great place to be. I might be older, but I’m not obsolete. And while senses may have been dulled from inactivity I still know and remember enough to have you fucking destroyed remember.  So please fuck with me and those I care about. Hunting season starts today.  Deadnaming me was A very stupid idea. One I hate the name and two very few people know it. So I know exactly who the fuck you are. And I know the skeletons in your closet too.  So let’s have some fun. I may be at peace or at least trying to be it. And I’ve decided to forgive all old beefs but I haven’t forgotten them, and when pushed I can remind anyone that needs it how lethal a protector I can be. I wont fucking hesitate. You go after me and mine? I’ll make ashes out of yours. Everyone has secrets to keep. Mine have been laid bare and manner of public record. Lets see what happens if I dec

I hate everyone. I just pretend I don’t because I’m chasing this false inner peace, thats being constantly eroded by outsiders. I am happy, I was at peace. But I do see my country and more importantly my city for what it’s for and I’m getting angry again. Maybe I do need to be angry. Maybe I do need to rebel. Maybe I do need to speak out despite the fact that it can be used against me and hurt those I love. Nothing fucking new to me. This apathy has gotten me nowhere, this trying to be at peace was working but maybe I need to be angry, maybe I need to rail agianst the things that once were right have now went wrong. This isn’t a world I want my child growing up in, and he’s grown. But this isn’t the world I promised him. This is something else.  This city wants to pick a fight with me? Cool, I know what busybody bitch it is. Don’t think I will tolerate any threats to those that I care for or myself. You want to fucking start a war? Maybe it’s time for me to be angry again.

I am disappointed in our town. It’s plastic pathetic and fake. This wasn’t the place I grew up. It’s something else. It’s not about anything but corporate money and it’s a sad joke and commentary that it’s not even our own from the city visiting the core. It’s a tourist destination. You can tell the general lack of intelligence. It was on full display. It’s a problem that is just a microcosm of what’s going on in this country and those that would speak against it are too broken by there own personal issues to care anymore. I may be from here, but it’s never been called home. There is a reason for that. It’s getting easier to live in my own skin here now. But it’s not what it once was, and it didn’t become something better. If anything it became something worse. For the first time in my life I am ashamed to admit I grew up on James street north. And thats always been a point of personal pride. But I can understand how gentrification has destroyed what once was home.. and it’s just anoth

I dont care anymore, there is nothing to fight in my life anymore. No one cares and nothing but organized and controlled chaos on the street. I’m done fighting, I hung up my boots long ago. Theres nothing in this world to be angry enough to bother with. I just feel apathetic. Once upon a time I thought I was going to change the world and I wrote poems to that effect, and now I can’t even be bothered to hang amongst the humans of Hamilton for any longer than I have to. No wonder I lost weight and went pale this summer. I used to like the art stuff and being connected to it as a busker. But it’s just a reflection of what this country is becoming a and worst case, I don’t care. My younger version would have railed and spoke his mind on all this shit.. I would have rebelled. That’s all I was ever good for. Being the rebel.  Now I post on fucking instagram and remember my glory days when I was someone, and something. We all know how that Ended, multiple cities, multiple times.  Im not sure

We need to start over. I don’t know where, I don’t know how. I wont beg and I wont booed to ask you to be my wife. But I am here. You know where to find me and I will always be here. Some serious questions and thoughts have presented themselves this week, but i just want our beautiful moment, our lives have been wracked with enough trauma and pain. I just want to give you the thing I’ve always wanted you to have, you’re safe in my arms, you’ve always known that.   I know what my responsibilities are. And maybe it is time to start over. We have that option we have always had that option.  I will always do what’s right by you and our son. Even if it costs me personally. Thats not even a question. And I have my reasons for standing my my ground all these years. It’s just the rules of engagement have changed. We are in a better place now regardless of where we are.  It’s been five years since you sent those messages and we finally made peace. I should have chosen you then. Im sorry I didn’

We will figure this out. Maybe not today, maybe not tommorow. Although tomorrow would be a nice surprise. It will come to us eventually. There has always been love. There will always be love. I know where I stand at the end so do you.  I do love my life and my adventures. But there will always be two somethings missing until we fix that. There is one more moment planned. Hopefully you don’t make me wait that long. I will always be here. I love you. Thats is unconditional. If you need me there I will be there. Period. I will always be beside you. I should have been beside you a lot more. Theres a lot of regret about those moments. I will be there if asked now. 

 I tried last night babe. I wanted to take you to that concert. As it was I was late for one of our songs. But it would have been nice to have you and My Son there. Whatever the outcome ever ends up being these days I’m glad that you were and are in my life.  There is no anger or anything anymore. Just peace in my life. A life I want to share with you more than anything. The time will come. Maybe it’s not today, but when and if you call I will pick up the phone. I always do.  There are days without anger and judgement and today is one of them. Im not there, not yet. I want to be on our corner, or maybe another place I’ve kissed you. But we aren’t there yet. Maybe Christmas, maybe next year. I have one promised day left and you have a few more before that that are maybes.  I really missed you last night during one of our albums. And I wish you and him had been there. I would have asked you. There was one of our perfect moments.  Next time, happy anniversary babe. I love you. I will alwa