Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I know how and what I am in this world. Seeing a band I’ve wanted to see for almost 35 years of my life reminded me how much I have not changed from the wild feral child I was when I met you. You met me broken and damaged and I never wanted to change from that. I wish I hadn’t. Being a better man lead to nothing but misery and ruin. I was better off being mean and on the run. Now I’m fucking nostalgic for the bad old days and not the ones where I ran the electric circus that is my life… those days at least I could control. I just know what was good in my life and how little of it we had together. Maybe one day that will change, i highly fucking doubt that possibility, I will never be something you can control, and you don’t even love me anyways, all you love is the idea of me, a very carefully cultivated idea and image of me that you have fooled yourself into being the truth, some days maybe I am him, some days I wish I was something better. Other days I know I’m someone worse. The one...

I do what I want these days because there is no one to tell me what to do. I sacrificed long enough in better moments of my life for people that couldn’t give a damn if i drew breath. I remember those wasted years. I am never Fucking looking back. And you know what, I don’t have to.  I’m always happy because some days it feels like I’m a prisoner in a box. But those days are fleeting compared to the days where I feel like I have completely the freedom to do anything I want. I have nothing and nobody dragging me down to their level these days trying to keep me from being whatever I want to be in this life… all of that is gone. All hopes dreams and aspirations are destroyed, so I’m just what remains. What remains is having a pretty good life on his terms… that’s all I got left. So that’s how I’ll go out. On my terms.

I’ve led an interesting life. It hasn’t always been easy. But it’s always been interesting and I’ve done things that most people don’t do once in their lives and I do them Multiple times, often in the same week. When I leave this world I will have no regrets and I will be able to say i led a good life.  I’ve never hid from being the villain and the bad guy… I’ve always been one of the more interesting characters in people lives.. because one thing I certainly know is that I don’t put down roots or have stabilty, I’m a passing moment in anyones life. There are only two I am or will ever be the constant in. And sone days even to them I am the villain, these days I’m more likely to be the ghost however. Waxing poetic about the bad old years is always a dangerous place for me to go to. Those were my wild years. It’s a place I don’t live anymore. But there is nothing there for me anymore. It may appear I’m more out of control than I was then but the truth is everything I do now is caref...