I know how and what I am in this world. Seeing a band I’ve wanted to see for almost 35 years of my life reminded me how much I have not changed from the wild feral child I was when I met you. You met me broken and damaged and I never wanted to change from that. I wish I hadn’t. Being a better man lead to nothing but misery and ruin. I was better off being mean and on the run. Now I’m fucking nostalgic for the bad old days and not the ones where I ran the electric circus that is my life… those days at least I could control. I just know what was good in my life and how little of it we had together. Maybe one day that will change, i highly fucking doubt that possibility, I will never be something you can control, and you don’t even love me anyways, all you love is the idea of me, a very carefully cultivated idea and image of me that you have fooled yourself into being the truth, some days maybe I am him, some days I wish I was something better. Other days I know I’m someone worse.
The one thing I don’t have now that wild feral child that once loved you completely had that I don’t is heart and hope. Despite all the possibilities that would eventually lead to certain doom he was willing to fight for what he believed in and who he loved. I am not that boy anymore. I am done fighting most of my battles. But wildness and the feral mess that I am and always have been can return at any time. I know it scares you, I know it is one of the reasons we are not together. But it’s not the only reason. I am the only constant in your life and regardless of emotional and trauma bonds, I am the only that is pure and true in your life that has never betrayed you the way that you have me multiple fucking times, I don’t blame you tho. Everyone in your life betrays you, except for the two most important men in your life, me and him. And even then I wonder…
I don’t need you in my life, I never have, except for a brief moment where we’re standing in the fire burning like wildfire. I want you in my life, I always have. But here’s the fucking catch. You want it on your terms, but you know deep down inside that any return to that which you deem normality between the two of us… it will always be on my terms, and you aren’t ready yet.
I don’t lose sleep anymore that you aren’t an active part of my life, the way I once used to. And I sure fuck don’t care about earning you’re validation anymore. As i said in the letter I wrote you almost four years ago I have nothing left to prove to you, him maybe. But you it’s an entirely different animal. If anything you have something to prove to me…
…Till that day, I don’t give a damn.
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