I know there are aspects of me, my personality and my life that you still like. It’s why you had my child and no one else’s. But I don’t colour within the lines enough for you to settle down with. That’s been acknowledged for two fucking decades. He’s an adult. I don’t need to answer to anyone anymore in my life. I wasted years fighting you when I should have been fixing you. But those moments are over.
All of our moments are over.
I don’t even need to be angry. I just need to be. You and I are toxic. I’m better off without you in my life. It’s a little less toxic when I’m the only one on the boat. Only the captain goes down with the ship. I’ve always known i would die alone anyhow. No family, no friend’s, no real accomplishments to my life. I wrote that line almost 30 years ago. Self fulfilling prophecy. At least that way when I implode no one gets hurts.
I was a fool to think otherwise. I’ve left too much damage in my path. I just want to be happy and at peace whatever the hell that means. And I wanted you to have same.
But then that phone call picks up and it’s the same old shit, you’ve got drama and you need me and I’m back in your fucking orbit to care and have emotions I don’t want to have. They are dead and buried for a fucking reason. I don’t want them anymore. Why do you fucking keep coming back to affect me.
You’ve made it clear how meaningless and diminutive I am to your life. Why should I matter when you need me?
I will always love you. I will always be fucking here. But it doesn’t always mean I have to fucking like it. In fact i don’t. I hate and despise it. It’s just another set of controls and responsibilities that I have to deal with. One i deal with happily because at the end of the day I know how I truly feel. But just because it’s the first and most prioritized responsibility. We aren’t children anymore. I have other responsibilities I don’t like either. I do them out of obligation just like I do the ones to you.
I will always be here. But the end game quickly approaches and it will be up to you how you deal with it. That’s all that’s left.
I did like that you fell asleep on the phone with me tonight. That meant something. There is hope beneath all the other emotions. It justifies why I try. But there is a timeline.
I’m just not angry anymore and I want what is best for the three of us. I have always thought that is best for us to be together. I haven’t abandoned that thought yet. I won’t.
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