I am sick of just surviving so others in my life can be comfortable. If they make shitty decisions why should I be the one to fucking suffer. I need to be more agressive about myself in this coming year. Regardless of how I feel about people I think it’s fucking time that I make sure I make time and finances for me instead of this black fucking hole i constantly return to. Behaviours and attitudes have to change or I will make a major life change that won’t benefit anyone but me. Period.
Sometimes I have a right to be angry. Sometimes forgiveness and a walking away in seek of peace isn’t enough. You’re never going to allow me to truly be at peace and move on. Because you wont let me forget or allow this pain in my chest to ever fucking fade. So instead to deal with it, I choose to be angry. It’s an anger I can control.
One of the few things in our lives I can. That’s your damage. The only thing controlled in our worlds is how angry I get and how much I keep it bottled instead of physically reacting to you. I let it poison myself mentally and physically and turning my insides toxic rather than acting it out on you. Status quo for the last twenty years.
What part of I don’t want anything to do with you for my own sanity don’t you understand? I don’t call, I don’t try, I don’t fight for you except in the grandest of moments for a reason. One day you’ll grow up and figure that out.
It’s hard marking the passages of time with you. I know that one or both of us will be their at the end.
We have conflicting emotions about each other and both of us have strong personalities that often cancel the other one out. But we could co-exist once. Maybe it’s time to try to again.
The saddest thing is i am pretty sure you already know what your answer will eventually be but you are stalling for time. It’s too bad you are almost completely out of time and it will be me pulling the trigger on it. Bang.
Done. I think the feeling is mutual. Shared pain isn’t enough anymore. Things will never change. Why should they. We’ve torn strips off of each other for two decades. You’ve weaponized my child against me.
At the end of the day I’m probably safest for my mental health walking away. But we both know you will never let me.
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