Remember, you’re here forever.
I’ve already been in this place half my life. And those are the years I consider the better ones of my life. We are broken, bruised and fractured and ruined. Nothing ever went right for us, the world got in the way. But the moments we do have are beautiful, and they are ours, no matter what happens, no matter what has happened. They can never take our moments away. They are locked away, in my head, in my heart…
He was planned.
I don’t know the next step. I know we will play this game forever. It was nice to start a new year without you in my life. I haven’t had that since 2003. I know that I will love you forever. And I also know that you will never let me go anyways even if it turns to anger and malice once again. I thought I could live with it just being peace. But I don’t do peace. I do mayhem.
I have earned a fucking right to be distant and left alone. You don’t want me unless there is a drama and strife in your life. So you can have transference and affect my life so I’m just as miserable as you.
But here’s the fucking thing. I’m not. I never will be. My life doesn’t and has never sucked as bad as yours. Because my entire adult life is a fucking victory. I know where I came from. I know who I am, who I was supposed to be. Everything past that was a fucking win.
It’s on you that it ended In ruins and all that you want to do is revisit old memories to make yourself fucking feel better. I’m done being used for that.
Lets dial this back 23 years. It’s been forgiven but it’s never been forgotten that you betrayed me. For you to double down on a mistake made in 2003 in 2024/2025 and expect my sympathy? The story is being written. The story is close to being told.
Even if I’m not here to tell it. One day he will realize who truly betrayed him. Who truly betrayed our family. My family. The only thing in my life that was once pure. The well you poisoned almost from birth because your a petulant child that could never get her own way. And I’m the fucking rebel feral child that will never settle down.
And thats my secret, to my survival. I never want to settle down. Roots and responsibilities create emotions id have to deal with. Id have to deal with all the things that come with it. Middle aged and crazy like Ted Nugent suits me better. I have never answered to anyone in my life. I’m not about to now. But that’s the true lie in settling down.
Id have to pretend like you that I’m attempting to deal with things. There is no fucking need. That moment has passed us by.
Twenty years New Year’s Eve. You pissed everything away. I forgave. I’m still trying to forgive how many number of fucking betrayals? And then to mention a ghost of the past is involved in your fucking life?
You truly are pathetic. But one thing you will never be is me. And you will never be with me again the way you act. It doesn’t matter how deep at my core I love you or I hate you. Your presence in my life is suffocating. It always has been. You need control. I revel in the lack of of control in my life. In the lack of control in my mind. The only place you’ve ever been able to control is the emotions in my heart. And thats the biggest betrayal I have ever known. Because that isn’t you betraying me. That’s my own emotions betraying me.
For some insane reason I still love you, when i should hate you. I walked away once. It should be easy to do it agian. Should…
I’m not even hating anymore. I just want whatever pain and emotion in my chest to go the fuck away. But every time you call or text it rushes back over me in waves. I just want you to go away so it doesn’t hurt anymore. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I was at peace. You revel in disturbing that peace and destroying any relationship that isn’t me and you.
…that’s why I found Peace alone… because im not allowed to have it with anyone else. The only person I have ever felt at peace in my life is with you. That’s the truth.
I will always try. That’s what you mean to me. Period.
I need you in my life. I’m better for it when you are in my life. But it’s gotta be on equal terms. My life doesn’t reach to yours and I’m not party to your decisions and actions anymore. Sometimes more than love is needed. And neither of us are ready to swallow our pride yet.
Maybe soon…
I need you in my life. I can’t deal with this being in my orbit yet at arms length bullshit anymore. I will force you to make a choice soon. It’s going to be all or nothing. I need you in my world. But I need an answer. Without it, gets easier and easier to walk away every time. I overthink everything and every eventuality. Just because I’ve made peace with it. Doesn’t meant I’m any less or more comfortable with waiting.
I’m trying to be less angry, and even sone days I’ve convinced myself I’m at peace with you. When the truth is I’m just at peace with myself, and that alone was a hard fought battle. Any peace with you, truly is still to come.
I need you in my life, and even if you and him aren’t there. I will always have a seat at the table for Christmas dinner reserved for you and him. I don’t even question that anymore.
One day you will be there, or you won’t be. And I will have walked away permanently. That’s all there is.
This is the year where everything becomes clearer or completely done between us. There is no paint in the palette anymore. It’s black and white. Either we are or we are not. Period.
It’s been two decades and all it does is still hurt. That was always your choice. When your in my life it simply hurts a little less.
There is an end date for a reason. There has to be. I can’t continue to do this to myself.
You are the scorpion. It is in your nature. Nothing is ever going to change unless I make it change. That’s our status quo.
You made a fucking choice on the day I had a ring in one hand and court papers in the other twenty years ago. You choose poorly. You defined what our lives were going to be in that last moment. It was on brand for the relationship. Look at the year before when you walked away from the relationship anyways.
You have months, then I will walk away forever. No more effort, No more pressure, No more of you breaking my heart to shreds on every phone call talking about meaningless people that you simply discard like you did with me when you deemed me disposable.
If I’m so fucking disposable why are you in my life 20 years after you decided I wasn’t worthy to be a part of yours? For the goddamn last time?
I walked away before. I will walk away Agian. And I wont look back this time. That moment is gone. We have one moment left. That’s all I have to give to you. Choose it or don’t. I don’t know how much of that is actual love and how much is obligation to my fucking responsibilities as a husband and a father. You’ve never really let me be either. Why should anything change now?
It’s what it has always fucking been. It’s all mind games. It’s all it’s ever going to be. Please go away until
You are fucking ready. I’m Not going to be here forever. There is an end date for a reason. There has to be.
It doesn’t matter how much I love you. You’re gonna be my end. Might as well be now.
You will get your one last moment. But I’m at peace waiting till September without contact.
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