Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

but it seems the world is changing me... so much for my last weekend of freedom for a while... hess village was a washout... i'm glad i took the time to do what i needed to before hand... now to get things back together and make some changes in life goals and where i am headed in the future, No fate but what we make. Current mood: focused.

when one is betrayed by everything in his life it is difficult to trust the one who comes and goes into his life because of their inherent craziness of purpose and circumstance.... of course if it was meant to be simple it wouldn't be worth doing now would it? Current Mood: Loved.

there's always the fact that i keep a safe distance from any romantic entanglements because i choose not to hurt others or have me and mine involved in anything that could possibly hurt us agian... there is enough sorrow revolving around his unanswered questions that if i have any love to give it's merely enough to just give him that love and advoid inviting anyone else into our lives because things are already complicated and i don't want to justify the fact that really it's all about what has come before to another partner agian.. i choose to be alone.. always have, Self-destructive behaviour may also manifest itself in an active attempt to drive away other people. It may be used to end a romantic relationship in this way. Often, the person so acting feels that for whatever reason they are incapable of, or undeserving of, a relationship with the person they seek to drive away. They often hold this person in particularly high esteem, and do not wish to 'harm' t

these wounds won't seem to heal this pain is just too real there's just too much that time cannot erase I am really starting to question my role at work. either i'm not doing enough or I am doing too much... i am started to wonder when the dream and all the hope i had for my career turned into a mere survival skill...i mean i keep my mouth shut when things are done that question my ethics and i wonder if I am doing the right thing myself when I do what I am told.. it is obvious that this place is just a start point a jumping off point for something better somewhere down the line... i care about these kids and i want to see them do well but i am starting to get bogged down by bullshit office politics and the nonsense that seems to surrorund two seperate feifdoms... the fact that i had to struggle for shifts all summer doesn't help my outlook much either.. i don't think i'm going to fix the system anymore.. but i was hoping to make a diffrence in some kids lives..

it's nice to realize that even thought you can have issues with the people you work with your superiors and your team members recognize your contribuitions and are willing to communicate with you when they need to. I had a really good feeling leaving this staff meeting that was not present at the last one or for the month of july. now if i can just find a babysitter for tuesday. Current mood: Happy. Sometimes I feel like something is gone here Something is wrong here, I don't belong here Sometimes I feel like a stranger in town

Nothing like having an awesome weekend at work and having 100% zero issues all weekend to have someone come in and play office politics at the very end of the shift and leave me feeling like shit.... i'd like to thank that person for that... it shouldn't be dog eat dog in our enviorment we are trying to help kids and help them have good experinces when you come in and turn into a total bitch esp. in front of a child having an issue it shows a lack of respect for your co workers and your team. doesn't help when one has cleaned and painted all day and you accuse said person of not doing anything because you are too lazy to do what is expected on your shift... but then agian there's a reason i almost had to work 48 hours friday to sunday isn't there? figures. Current mood: annoyed.

With time the child draws in This whipping boy done wrong Deprived of all his thoughts The young man struggles on and on he's known A vow unto his own That never from this day His will they'll take away How does one turn into the very thing he hates? i have become an old schoold child and youth worker and it is what is working for this job but it is not something i wanted to turn into. even when I try and implement new strategies i have to revert to old and useless behaviors of intimidation and pyshical activity to get the point across...there are lines that shouldn't be crossed and i won't do that but i am starting to feel like the scary care bear personailty i try and broadcast only works so well for some children and sometimes i just have to be a two faced ogre when there are issues. this is not what i signed on for. i had much better expectations. i am thinking of going back to school to possibly get some teaching credentials as well seeing how i can see burning out

One eventually realizes a need for new strategies. as sastified as i am with my job and how good i feel i am at it there comes a time when one must reevaulate ways of doing things and improve upon them. last night was a sleepless night and i very happy to be there but i need to start implementing some of those new strategies as early as today. Current Mood: Hot.

it's slightly colder in Hell right now than it is outside. Current mood: covered in sweat.

One wonder's when one has become complacent , absolulutley nothing new is going on in my life and i'm watching the tumbleweeds drift buy once agian.. go figure... at least things are back to normal and i'm not feeling so fucking frustrated at my carEer and home life. Current Mood: Bored.

It's been an interesting week, it's starting to seem things are back to normal.. but what exactly is normal for me.. there are so many gaping holes and questions in my life.. i'm not exactly sure what consitutes normality in my life.. i'm just hoping at the current moment that things remain the same. Current Mood: Relaxed.

It's nice to have had a vacation and see changes that have taken place at work... things are getting back to normal i think and some strategies of frustration are being changed... i like working with my weekend partner and the new girl at work.. it's a much stronger and less tressful enviorment now.. i'm spreading my wings and feeling that i can implement some new strategies as well.. it's nice to be able to go home for work and not feel depressed or frustrated esp. in this feild... to actually feel like i am accomplishing something is an awesome feeling agian... and it's leading to more hours.... current Mood: Fufilled.

it's nice to be back from vacation, i feel refreshed after a week away from my son and the things that were aggravating at work are slowly seeming to disapeer it's a good thing to take some time away and refresh oneself esp. when one feels as if he has been pushed to the limit. Current mood: Refreshed.

Another great week up at long point. spent the week at the beach and got pretty sunburnt,he didn't tho. he found playmates everyday and had some cousins up on wednesday. it was pretty awesome and i feel recharged for work. this vacation was needed it's been a rough year... but aside from taking my phone it was nice to be away from all of lifes concerns for a few days... i don't want him to go home and he doesn't want to go home Current Mood: Very Happy.

one is starting to question the karmic coicnicidences that are happeneing at work, it very interesting to find a co worker shares an important birthdate... makes one wonder about astrological signs and all that. another productive night in Hess village and i am starting to wax philosphically about my creative outlets, i feel that i need them to deal with other emotions, banging a guitar all night and singing songs for pretty girls is fuffilling some of my artist needs but maybe it's time i start trying to get that poerty book published... too bad most of my archives are in some one else's house. but i think i'm going to try and expand on my creative urges and start getting involved in the music scene here agian. Current mOOD: TIRED ZZZZZZZ Current Music: Them Bones, Alice in Chains. I'm the patron saint of the denial With an angel face and a taste for suicidal

Hess Village is fun but unless i have an amazing night it's got nothing on the fun that i had on st. paul street and oulette ave. i miss both st. catherines and windsor... i guess that's my lot in life is too keep moving on.. esp. when i feel i am in a holding pattern where yes i am doing some good but i could be doing a lot more but internal politics and my own reluctance to say anything is possibly holding me down... but then agian i am using the downtime as an excuse to enjoy my free time and have a little bits and peices of vacation with my son. you can't put your arms around a memory but what the fuck am i doing in Hess Village surrounded by pretty women but i'm fucking thinking about her... even worse why have i been considering moving back to st. catherines.... and applying to their boards..i need my head examined.. if anything i go back to school to be a fucking history teacher.. not take a step back into a place where i will eventually be miserable. Current Moo