Shattered Dreams.

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

I am really starting to question my role at work. either i'm not doing enough or I am doing too much... i am started to wonder when the dream and all the hope i had for my career turned into a mere survival skill...i mean i keep my mouth shut when things are done that question my ethics and i wonder if I am doing the right thing myself when I do what I am told.. it is obvious that this place is just a start point a jumping off point for something better somewhere down the line... i care about these kids and i want to see them do well but i am starting to get bogged down by bullshit office politics and the nonsense that seems to surrorund two seperate feifdoms... the fact that i had to struggle for shifts all summer doesn't help my outlook much either.. i don't think i'm going to fix the system anymore.. but i was hoping to make a diffrence in some kids lives.. right now i don't feel thats happeneing because of the enviorment i am working in... i do not feel supported by my staff at all... esp. when i am training first years who get better fucking hours than i do.

Current Mood: disapointed.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Bad Man.

I am not a good man, I tell people straight out that I’m not a good person. I know I’m toxic. But I embrace being the villain and being the bad guy. Being feared is better than being loved because at least that way you respect me. When it comes to someone I care about and have a responsibility to, I will always choose them over others fucking bullshit and drama. This isn’t a choice. This is my life. Period. I live it every damn day. I’m not Making any other choices. I will always choose those that I care about over people that are merely in orbit in my life and if you give me a reason to fucking doubt you? I will give u a reason to fucking fear me. I’m just fed up, my world doesn’t need complications. My peace and my piece of mind doesn’t need complications. I have enough of those I struggle against in my personal life. This is the end game, and the end times. I deserve to be fucking happy. No one is getting in the fucking way of that. Period.

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind. I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine. I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy. I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...

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