Deadly Reflection.

With time the child draws in
This whipping boy done wrong
Deprived of all his thoughts
The young man struggles on and on he's known
A vow unto his own
That never from this day
His will they'll take away

How does one turn into the very thing he hates? i have become an old schoold child and youth worker and it is what is working for this job but it is not something i wanted to turn into. even when I try and implement new strategies i have to revert to old and useless behaviors of intimidation and pyshical activity to get the point across...there are lines that shouldn't be crossed and i won't do that but i am starting to feel like the scary care bear personailty i try and broadcast only works so well for some children and sometimes i just have to be a two faced ogre when there are issues. this is not what i signed on for. i had much better expectations. i am thinking of going back to school to possibly get some teaching credentials as well seeing how i can see burning out can become a real possibilty real fast, office politics is one thing but when it seems that i am sacrificing ethics, good intentions and my own beliefs in an effort to become more of an aggresive CYW I am slightly disapointed. I have a killer instinct it does rear it's head from time to time but i should not be having to use it on 11 year olds. i'm not that angry and vindictive to turn into a bully like some others i work with have. i still have hope.

Current Mood: Disapointed.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Fall Of Cybertron III: Where’s Poochie.

It is very easy for me to fade away and just get bored of other people and politics when games are played. I’m not even fucking blinking when someone else who I’ve done things for, constantly for months with no rewards suddenly forgets I exist. That’s real easy for me to fucking deal with. Con politics, games, asshole people that don’t pay there Fuckin promises from day one? Don’t call my number. I stepped away from this shit once on my own. I have no fucking problem doing it again. I feel used and betrayed, but for me it was a Tuesday. I suspect jealousy and politics but I also know when to stick a fork in something when it’s done. I’ve got no interest being around anyone that doesn’t want me involved in there little cliques. I mean this thing was fun but from day one it was political. I don’t need stress and drama in my life. I can hang up my Wizard robe and move the fuck on. I did a great job of it on my own anyways. I don’t look amateur hour like the rest of them. And I no lon...

Serpent's Kiss.

I pass in and out of peoples lives. sometimes i wonder why they come back. sometimes i wonder if the issue is me. i do grand things and i back up my plans and words and maybe sometimes thats too much for some. but all i have ever asked from those that i love is honesty. i don't care if things fall apart. all i need is the truth. I'm getting to the point i don't trust fucking anyone. and being betrayed by those that are at best fairweather fucking friends when im not exactly finacally fucking stable. there are reasons i keep my circle small and those i truly trust even closer. it takes a lot to be a part of my life and and i am seriously considering withdrawing from some of my social activities again because it seems like the last couple years they just turn to shit and all i am doing is losing money. i have stopped caring about a lot of people in the past and it can be real fuckin easy for me to walk away from agian. id rather work on the relationships both old and new th...

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