The thing about street fights... The street always wins.
I am from these streets, and I've always used these streets to survive. Never forget that. There are levels of survival I am willing to endure to be able to survive and fight whatever battles I fucking need to. I don't need drama or Politics from any street level scum however. I've had enough of that growing up. I'm a better class of criminal anyways. I busk and don't have any drug or alcohol issues.. I'm not a big fan of a junkie idiot with a mouth calling me out on the turf I've spent the last decade calling mine. I don't mind sharing the space but when you are a fucking heat score and cause issues in a place I am respected and comfortable and allowed to play in this city my darkest side is going to come out to play... And right fucking now... That particular animal is on a short fucking leash... It gets shorter daily. I have no time for anyone right now because I have a very fucking short fuse.. Some random trying to tell me how to do the one good thing I have left to find a zen space in my head and more importantly money to support myself... That lectures not gonna end well for you pal... Esp when you're a downtown freak with a habit.. The east end doesn't take kindly to those that only visit. I am a north end boy but I've spent the last decade busking in the east end and other spots and I'm respected for it. But you don't come from downtown and cause drama.. It's why I don't bother with the core of this fucking city.. I never have. I learned a long time ago when I was homeless that there is no point getting involved with street politics, but I don't know how to back down when I'm threatened or being talked down to by someone who doesn't have his shit together especially when I'm doing something that gives me a measure of happiness and a measure of peace mentally.. It does bring me to a zen space and when that's interrupted by a loud mouth items to lose my patience.
It doesn't help that shit like someone running interference on my turf reminds me that busking has been responsible for both good and bad experiences in my life. I remember well how and when I met her in September of 2000 and exactly what I was doing that evening. It supported us and it supported me all thru my education. I did it for fun, from day one, and I have never taken the busking seriously. It has helped with a lot of the hells of the past 2 decades and helped to keep me sane. But not every experience I've had doing it has been positive and I would trade doing it for a decent 9 to 5 any day. There's reasons involving downtown politics and drug addicts that I don't bother with Hess village on Friday and Saturday nights even when I live a few blocks away.. I don't need the drama, not at my age.. Not at this point in my life... I can go to St. Paul street if I want drama close by. Or go to oulette if I want to create my own drama.
I think at some point I'm going on a little busking vacation to Montreal just to say I went to the Canadian French capital and busked there. Esp if during a busker fest.. But right now that's a pipe dream.. For the moment I just need to get my head on straight and attempt to figure out my future... Pipe dreams like Calgary and Port Dover might come true, they might not. But I set small goals for the moment so I can create positive memories and have some epic fucking times with my friends and loved ones. Everything I do or have done, has always had a reason. And while I don't always have happiness in my life. I've always got fucking moments of..
Memories I can draw on.
I got sick a long time ago of fucking people trying to take advantage of me both in my personal life and professionally, so at this point the things I do, I do them strictly for myself and my own happiness. It's better that way. It's better than struggling.
Any bitch that claims otherwise that i am not local, will quickly learn otherwise. It's fucking sad that I am defined by where I came from except from the stupid bitches at the bar. Obviously I hold myself to a higher class, but I'm still going to be fucking insulted by being called anything but a local especially after the last six fucking months. I've seen hell and I've seen it at home. I've never left strachan street and Jamesville and they have never left me. I pay daily from where the fuck I came from. But I will never fucking forget who I am and where my roots are buried. Even after they tear them up.which is coming very soon.
I really have no patience for this world. I just keep moving through it one quarter mile at a fucking time. At least I can enjoy myself once in a long while and still pretend I'm fucking normal even when I know I'm not and never will be again. I'm trying to avoid the anger and hate and it seems to always come back in other forms. Unfocused now.
Without the war it's just random I snap on anyone and everyone. Most of the fucking time I want to be left alone anyways. It's easier and safer for the universe that way. This world owes me nothing, and I owe it the same.
It's fucking sad when random memories and moments trigger emotions and I handle them badly. Little things shouldn't fucking set me off like when I was young. I've spent decades controlling my temper and destructive and self destructive urges. It's a sad fact that somehow something has changed that. I lock myself away from the world and don't have patience for it anymore. I've lost everything, why should I give a damn? Live fast, die young, leave a good looking corpse right? Too late. I got old. I got bitter. I gave up.
I hate this city and everything and everywhere I came from. But good or bad it defines me. It is who I am. It will always define me whether I like it or not. And my heart is a hard as the hammers steel core. It's not just here that's made me that way, but this city hasn't made my life any better in the last fucking decade... And it has torn me down on more than one occasion. I'm done being torn down. If this is my station in life and I'm not allowed to rise from it, so be it. It could have been a lot worse. I could have been a lot fucking worse. It pays to remember that.
This place isn't the world I knew. It's something else. I just have to make my way thru it and find my way again. It might take a while. I have goodness and light in my life too. It's just hard to see, because they are in the moments. I have to find them too.
Current Mood: Angry, bitter, Broken.
Current Music:Avenged Sevenfold - Nightmare
I live my life a quarter mile at a time. Nothing else matters: not the mortgage, not the store, not my team and all their bullshit. For those ten seconds or less, I'm free.
I am from these streets, and I've always used these streets to survive. Never forget that. There are levels of survival I am willing to endure to be able to survive and fight whatever battles I fucking need to. I don't need drama or Politics from any street level scum however. I've had enough of that growing up. I'm a better class of criminal anyways. I busk and don't have any drug or alcohol issues.. I'm not a big fan of a junkie idiot with a mouth calling me out on the turf I've spent the last decade calling mine. I don't mind sharing the space but when you are a fucking heat score and cause issues in a place I am respected and comfortable and allowed to play in this city my darkest side is going to come out to play... And right fucking now... That particular animal is on a short fucking leash... It gets shorter daily. I have no time for anyone right now because I have a very fucking short fuse.. Some random trying to tell me how to do the one good thing I have left to find a zen space in my head and more importantly money to support myself... That lectures not gonna end well for you pal... Esp when you're a downtown freak with a habit.. The east end doesn't take kindly to those that only visit. I am a north end boy but I've spent the last decade busking in the east end and other spots and I'm respected for it. But you don't come from downtown and cause drama.. It's why I don't bother with the core of this fucking city.. I never have. I learned a long time ago when I was homeless that there is no point getting involved with street politics, but I don't know how to back down when I'm threatened or being talked down to by someone who doesn't have his shit together especially when I'm doing something that gives me a measure of happiness and a measure of peace mentally.. It does bring me to a zen space and when that's interrupted by a loud mouth items to lose my patience.
It doesn't help that shit like someone running interference on my turf reminds me that busking has been responsible for both good and bad experiences in my life. I remember well how and when I met her in September of 2000 and exactly what I was doing that evening. It supported us and it supported me all thru my education. I did it for fun, from day one, and I have never taken the busking seriously. It has helped with a lot of the hells of the past 2 decades and helped to keep me sane. But not every experience I've had doing it has been positive and I would trade doing it for a decent 9 to 5 any day. There's reasons involving downtown politics and drug addicts that I don't bother with Hess village on Friday and Saturday nights even when I live a few blocks away.. I don't need the drama, not at my age.. Not at this point in my life... I can go to St. Paul street if I want drama close by. Or go to oulette if I want to create my own drama.
I think at some point I'm going on a little busking vacation to Montreal just to say I went to the Canadian French capital and busked there. Esp if during a busker fest.. But right now that's a pipe dream.. For the moment I just need to get my head on straight and attempt to figure out my future... Pipe dreams like Calgary and Port Dover might come true, they might not. But I set small goals for the moment so I can create positive memories and have some epic fucking times with my friends and loved ones. Everything I do or have done, has always had a reason. And while I don't always have happiness in my life. I've always got fucking moments of..
Memories I can draw on.
I got sick a long time ago of fucking people trying to take advantage of me both in my personal life and professionally, so at this point the things I do, I do them strictly for myself and my own happiness. It's better that way. It's better than struggling.
Any bitch that claims otherwise that i am not local, will quickly learn otherwise. It's fucking sad that I am defined by where I came from except from the stupid bitches at the bar. Obviously I hold myself to a higher class, but I'm still going to be fucking insulted by being called anything but a local especially after the last six fucking months. I've seen hell and I've seen it at home. I've never left strachan street and Jamesville and they have never left me. I pay daily from where the fuck I came from. But I will never fucking forget who I am and where my roots are buried. Even after they tear them up.which is coming very soon.
I really have no patience for this world. I just keep moving through it one quarter mile at a fucking time. At least I can enjoy myself once in a long while and still pretend I'm fucking normal even when I know I'm not and never will be again. I'm trying to avoid the anger and hate and it seems to always come back in other forms. Unfocused now.
Without the war it's just random I snap on anyone and everyone. Most of the fucking time I want to be left alone anyways. It's easier and safer for the universe that way. This world owes me nothing, and I owe it the same.
It's fucking sad when random memories and moments trigger emotions and I handle them badly. Little things shouldn't fucking set me off like when I was young. I've spent decades controlling my temper and destructive and self destructive urges. It's a sad fact that somehow something has changed that. I lock myself away from the world and don't have patience for it anymore. I've lost everything, why should I give a damn? Live fast, die young, leave a good looking corpse right? Too late. I got old. I got bitter. I gave up.
I hate this city and everything and everywhere I came from. But good or bad it defines me. It is who I am. It will always define me whether I like it or not. And my heart is a hard as the hammers steel core. It's not just here that's made me that way, but this city hasn't made my life any better in the last fucking decade... And it has torn me down on more than one occasion. I'm done being torn down. If this is my station in life and I'm not allowed to rise from it, so be it. It could have been a lot worse. I could have been a lot fucking worse. It pays to remember that.
This place isn't the world I knew. It's something else. I just have to make my way thru it and find my way again. It might take a while. I have goodness and light in my life too. It's just hard to see, because they are in the moments. I have to find them too.
Current Mood: Angry, bitter, Broken.
Current Music:Avenged Sevenfold - Nightmare
I live my life a quarter mile at a time. Nothing else matters: not the mortgage, not the store, not my team and all their bullshit. For those ten seconds or less, I'm free.
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