Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. I'm happy. The last few months have been epic and I don't know where things are going but i know for sure that I am never fucking looking back. i took a chance, and it succeeded beyond any of wildest dreams.. I've done epic shit with a person who has had my back for the last eight year since the day we met.. and sees thru all the darkness and drama and the clusterfuck that my life is and still loves me for me... i'd rather have my life together and healing so i can do better by her.. but for the moment i am trying as hard as i can to make sure the limited moments we have we enjoy every second of each others company. I do have to make a decision in the coming months but at this point while I'm still doing that completely for me.. there is the added factor of my heart longing to spend more time with her.. because that's what she deserves.. and I've

For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness. I am happy, No one will ruin that. That is all. the weekend was awesome. Current Mood: Happy. Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.

I have never seen battles quite as terrifyingly beautiful as the ones I fight when my mind splinters and races, to swallow me into my own madness, again. You Know what is worse than just Hating the mental health industry and ignoring it for most of my adult life? The fact that when i do reach out and try to get assistance that the entire fucking system is made in a way that actively resists giving people that actually need help and have a history with the Hamilton psychiatric hospital any type of assistance... I cn function. not well but i do fucking function. guess that is good enough, i guess that i'm going to have to have a fucking episode or a breakdown before I'm going to get any real fucking services... that's fine.. i got some serious suicidal ideation and it rhymes with the words Suicide by Cop. there are only a few things that keep me on this earth... one is that little boy in st catherines, two is family.. ( I won't abandon them even if they have me.), three

We would survive even ourselves, as long as we were together. I want my happy moments... I want them more than anything.. So many have been taken away that it is only now that I am realizing that i have to force these moments into exsistance rather than waiting for them to arrive... I've been beaten and broken by the sands of time and the horror in my own fucking mind... that the things that make me happy are the only things I am willing to live for anymore.. I'm done being miserable and questioning things and people around me..I'd rather burn out a bright flame than let myself ever die of complacency... I am enjoying most of the aspects of the little bit left of my life.. and that's fucking important.. I'm not as broken as I claim to be when i am having these experiences.. and the fact that I have a partner in crime that might just be as damaged as me.. at this point maybe that's what I always needed in my life.. understanding... I've spent a lifetime try