I want my happy moments... I want them more than anything.. So many have been taken away that it is only now that I am realizing that i have to force these moments into exsistance rather than waiting for them to arrive... I've been beaten and broken by the sands of time and the horror in my own fucking mind... that the things that make me happy are the only things I am willing to live for anymore.. I'm done being miserable and questioning things and people around me..I'd rather burn out a bright flame than let myself ever die of complacency... I am enjoying most of the aspects of the little bit left of my life.. and that's fucking important.. I'm not as broken as I claim to be when i am having these experiences.. and the fact that I have a partner in crime that might just be as damaged as me.. at this point maybe that's what I always needed in my life.. understanding... I've spent a lifetime trying to scare people away and for the most part i have succeeded by always being the bigger demon.. Hell i'm doing it now to people who once upon a time fucking mattered... but they aren't here still standing.. But I am... and she's standing beside me. that counts for everything. these experiences I am choosing to have,, the persons and people I am choosing to be, that's about me and Maybe for once I have finally fucking found exactly what I was looking for in a lifetime of confusion and misery.
I want these happy moments in my life, even if it's something as simple as the smile she has when waking up besides some flowers.. or the feeling i get with her when I'm spending every waking moment with her. There has been enough brokenness and damage in both our lives that if somehow by being together that we heal each other.. that's enough for me to find solace and peace in my mind and heart at this point in my life. And I am In love.. that is not something I've been willing to admit to myself or to others in over fifteen fucking years... I keep expecting to wake up and be back in misery...
Just looking at the pics from our adventures... Reminds me how much you bring me inner peace... I have never had that before. Not in this way. I am not sure the next step and I know that I have always been one to let things collapse in upon themselves because I am one to let things Fall apart in a lifetime of self destruction. But I am willing and attempting to fight for whatever this is becoming.
When I'm with you I am motivated agian, I want to do things. I want to be someone agian. I want it to just be the two of us agianst the world as long as we are fucking happy I am good. I'm confused because I know it's complicated band there's not much I can do on my end to change things except continue to have experiences and be ready for the next step. But I know it's something because of the way my fucking heart feels every moment I'm not with you. I just can't define exactly what that is yet... But I know what I want it to be.
It's as simple as a Toronto buddy coming down to have a coffee with me and chill for a few hours and shooting the shit.. I just want my happy moments and I just want to feel like myself agian. there is a reason I do epic things because sometimes it's the only time i truly feel alive anymore. I want to feel like myself agian.. I'm getting close. I'm happy and grateful for my good friends, and those that truly love me...
Current Mood: Happy.
This is how it has always been with me. Give me something good, I’ll destroy it. Love me, I’ll destroy you. I have never felt deserving of anything in my life.
I am sick, deranged, sadistic, and insane. And you know what? I enjoy every second of it.
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