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Shattered II

I have never seen battles quite as terrifyingly beautiful as the ones I fight when my mind splinters and races, to swallow me into my own madness, again.

You Know what is worse than just Hating the mental health industry and ignoring it for most of my adult life? The fact that when i do reach out and try to get assistance that the entire fucking system is made in a way that actively resists giving people that actually need help and have a history with the Hamilton psychiatric hospital any type of assistance... I cn function. not well but i do fucking function. guess that is good enough, i guess that i'm going to have to have a fucking episode or a breakdown before I'm going to get any real fucking services... that's fine.. i got some serious suicidal ideation and it rhymes with the words Suicide by Cop. there are only a few things that keep me on this earth... one is that little boy in st catherines, two is family.. ( I won't abandon them even if they have me.), three is my friends that have stood by me. but every fucking day is becoming harder and harder to fucking function and when i reach out and all i fucking hit constantly are brick walls.. why in the hell should i try reaching out for help. no ones trying to Help me.. Self destruction and self destructive behaviors have always been my go to behaviors anyways.. not really sure why any of that should fucking change.. I mean it's how I cope. I know I stand apart from society and the only way i'm going to get any services or attention is if something happens that is drastic. Sadly i have this thing called self control that almost lets me function as a human being and i slip thru the fucking cracks.. I've been doing it my entire life.. I'm one of the forgotten ones... Might as well stay fucking forgotten.

Current Mood: Sadness.

Sometimes you hit a point where you either change or self destruct.

One thing's for sure, everyone has something. Not everyone has a giant scar or a missing limb to show for it, but it's there. The indelible mark of that thing. It's that thing that will not just go away quietly. That thing you resent because it can't let one day go by without making you think about it no matter how hard you try, until you end up depressed/angry/drunk/isolated (at best), disassociated (middle) or utterly self-destructive (at worst). It's that thing that went and branded you without your permission.

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