Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I miss you already. Hopefully little T was waiting and happy when you got to the pearly gates. You will be missed. I love you. I can't imagine my life without you.

I should not be living for you're phone calls. I should not be living for the next pay given I just paid bills and groceries and responsibilities, its pathetic. I have a life. I have things I want to do and usually do to keep my life interesting. Its frustrating that right now I can't do any of them, no travel, no adventures. Etc. No wonder I focus on the one thing in my life I think I can control the movement of where that relationship goes...for the past year its been a priority even more than it always has been. I am lonely and distanced from everyone I know both locally and everywhere else. Maybe I'm grasping at strings, maybe its just because I don't do this isolation shit well and if I'm going to be this fucking isolated I want to do it with the ones I love the most... I stress and worry so much about them.  I need my adventures or I am going to get obsessive about stupid shit and peruse it to my detriment. I have done What I need to do with it. I

I know one of the issues right now is that while we both have lingering feelings and there is something there that one day after the pandemic we might act upon, you don't like tbe fact that right now I have the upper hand and the higher ground because I'm just doing the right thing by you. You cant blame me anymore for what I haven't done because I've done them. You just like being the one in control and dictating things... And I've never been good at following rules or being under any ones thumb. Even yours. Trust me I do understand how intimidating all of this is, and how it can never be reversed because it is security for you. Its you're security blanket knowing that I love you and always am going to be there. I failed in that once and I am always going to regret it completely so it will never happen agian. No matter where we stand. When you love someone and really mean it, it doesn't matter what happens. You are the love of my life, no one els