Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

  I have a plan, but it’s on my terms and you will not see it coming. The only thing that makes sense to you is surprises anyways. If you’re life wasn’t chaos mine wouldn’t be either. But that’s completely on you. You wouldn’t want it any other way no matter how much I try. It’s always gotta be you in control and on you’re timeline.  That doesn’t work for me anymore. I will walk away. I hope you realize this isn’t a sure thing. The only thing certain in life is nothing is certain and you can’t count on anyone.

"The old ways are done. You can either adapt and survive, or die with the past. The decision is yours." I hate loving someone unconditionally when it’s very clear there are conditions on both sides. It’s confusing. It’s even harder because I am trying agian and sometimes it sounds like it’s all you want and other times you seem like you are pushing me away. Hating you and being at war was easier than this even tho that hurt like hell too. This unknowing hurts even more and you goddamn well know it. I guess it is what is. I’ve gotta wait for you to make your decision. It doesn’t Mean I have to fucking like it. I have forgiven, but I have not forgotten the damage you have provided to both me and him for the last decade. You decided to be the only parent for a long time and now emotionally for some reason you want Me in you’re life. I told my last partner I would not allow myself to be a back up plan, no fucking way I allow you the exact same luxury. I may not be dating bec

You have no right to call upon and ask for protection and support when you involve yourself in drama, I’m not there and that’s you’re doing. Yet the fact that I will always be there for you weighs heavily on my mind. I will always take that stupid fucking call. But early morning wake ups about you’re pathetic little dramas about other men are not something I truly need to deal with. Especially not this weekend, this is why there will likely never be another moment for us... because instead of holding or talking to the one that means the most to you, you deal with fuckin randoms and then call me to throw it in my face and I’m hardly awake and I don’t even understand. I hate the fact that you will always use my as a protector but always from afar, you want all the benefits of what we were. We aren’t that anymore. Maybe we are getting closer to it, maybe one misstep and I’m going back to living in a box... I don’t trust you and there are times when I want to give you my all and I c

  I miss her too. She was my family as well. I’ll always be there for you and him, no matter where the both of us stand. I promise.

    The only place I feel safe in this world is in your arms and I’m pretty sure you feel the same even tho you are afraid of it. I just want you back and I know how much this week affects you, so I will be there without question. It’s what she would have wanted. That’s fuel for a lot of my thoughts. She would have been happiest had we stayed together and I think our world would be a lot different if we we had made different choices. I’m just trying to get back to that. This isn’t what it’s meant to be for either of us, and maybe we would be stronger together? I don’t where my life is going and I hate that it remains status quo with everything happening around me. I only ever see my future in your eyes, no matter how long that takes.  I hold no expectations, just hope that one day I’ll be enough that you decide the same. My real ties, my real home, the things that matter are with you. Not here. Not Windsor, that door is permanently closed anyways. I know where I stand, what’

This has been the month from hell and it’s finally over thank god. But it does show where my responsibilities and loyalties lie. I do for the ones who have my back and love me above anyone else, even the ones that claim to but come in and out of my life. I’m always going to be there for the ones who truly love me and not the fair weather girls with an agenda.  Everything is on my terms now and the fact that I spent every day at someone’s beside should show the strength of my character. But the fact is the man saved me when I needed saving a little and helped me get back on my feet, it’s time to do the exact fucking same for him. So I will. It going to be a long road back and I’ll be here every step of the way.