Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

  I don’t know what I am to you anymore, the one thing I know that I am not the ultimate evil in you’re life and I haven’t been for over a decade, there’s always been something bigger than me lurking, I was just always you’re favourite target because we are a fine balance of love and hate, passion and pain, that’s where we still are now... you can’t decide whether you love or you hate me based on our shared past and the lack thereof of the years we should have had. At the end of the day my only victory is that you no longer hate me, but I was never convinced that you ever did, I can be the boogeyman when it’s needed, the big scary monster that pushes people away, but as much as I’m the Constant in you’re life, what exactly do you think you are to me?  The exact fucking same. I am not you’re devil or you’re demon and I never have been. Trust me, if I wanted to be you’re nightmare I could have been. I am not something you can use as a shiny diamond to taunt others with. I have an interes

I stopped playing the game and moved on with my life, that’s what keeps you coming back. Yes there is a promise buried in a bedroom but the fact that you couldn’t give half a damn that I was lying in pain for days with chest issues, truly shows me this is just a a cry for attention and that in the overall scheme of you’re life I don’t fucking matter. One follow up phone call would have been all it took. But I wasn’t there for a minute because I was in pain and that was too much for you to handle so we are back to the fucking silence. That’s cool. I’m busy dying anyways. I’ll let you know if I feel better eventually.  I don’t have time for this shit, I have a life, I have moved on and I have epic adventures. I am reminded that my time on this earth could be short, the stomach pain I deal with and have always dealt with since I was a child because of all the damn pharmaceuticals was what killed Cobain at 27, I’m gonna be 46 this year and I’m still fighting those issues... because I’m not

  I miss her too. I’ll always be here for the two of you no matter where any of our lives takes us. You need to know that.

  Good bye kitty.  You’ll be missed. We both love you.

  One day I will fade agian... I will lose interest and I will stop looking back. There are days when I consider that now... you know I can and will grow cold. It’s in my nature. You’ve given me more than enough reason to do it and never forgive over these years yet I’m still here trying and forgiving you every fucking time... one day i just wont.  It’ll be over. It’ll be done. I am afraid of that day, but not as much as you are. I am 100 percent sure of that fact.

  I am a warrior trying to find peace, it goes against my nature but I am trying. Never forget that first I am a survivor and a warrior tho. I can do without you. I already have. I want you in my life. I don’t need you in my life. That’s always going to be the difference between us. You need the comfort that you can always turn to me no matter where either of us are in the world... and I will forgive you and forget. Me on the other hand, I’m fine just living my life alone and being fine on my own two feet. And I do my own thing. Three years ago you didn’t exist to me, and now we are at a place that I never figured we would be at ever again. So I don’t know what the next step is... I just know I’m not slamming the door on it... once upon a time I thought I knew how this was going to go... now I’m just going to let things be zen and see where things go... it’s better that way. No expectations means you can’t disappoint me, I’m just hoping you won’t this time. I may love you, some days I

  I don’t have any fucking time for two faced people in my life. ESP. People with fucking ties to my old days and the things I want from those old days. If you prove to me you can’t be trusted and I feel daggers in my fucking back from you’re actions. You are Gone. No fucks given. If you give me a reason not to trust you or like you, I will forget you like you never even existed. Ask my ex girlfriend. I don’t care. I don’t care who you are, you give me a reason to cut me out of my life, I will look at you straight in the face in public like you are fucking invisible. Real friends stab you in the front.

  This is not where I thought we would be at this moment at our lives but after years of pain and hurt, not being angry and hating each other and me being the constant in your life and knowing at you’re core that you fucking love me as much as I have always loved you, means regardless if we were to resume Or continue status quo I can live with that and be at peace, I remember the strips we have taken from the other.. and everything that we have lost... but I also see the world differently than I did then... If this will be our ending eventually, it’s something I can live with. But my goal is something better. I will always question us, because that is my nature. And as you yourself have admitted it’s not easy to figure us out. We are complicated. I like that things have changed. I invited you to the concert last night. three years ago when I wrote you’re answer this was never even going to be a possibility, and now it is... it may still take a while, but we both want it at some base le

I can’t believe that you’ve actually admitted to the gaslighting behaviour. It’s not an apology but it’s a start. I know that you think about things and you don’t discount everything that is said to you. You are the most interesting person I know and there are things about you I both love and hate. But we are getting somewhere. And maybe things will change. Maybe they won’t. But our battles are done. And that little bit of validation? I’ll take it. I’m happy with my little place in life right now, and more importantly at peace. Things my change and I want the two of you in my life more than anything but I’m good where I am right now. I’m waiting on you to figure out the next step. I’m good at waiting. I’ve done it all these years. All I know is I’m happier when you’re in my life and we aren’t as damaged towards us as we used to be.  Niagara Falls is home. With or without you this is my my home. Everything that’s important in my life is here. I need to seriously consider that long term.

The Joker: Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Living well is the best revenge. not that i am seeking revenge  anymore . I am not. I am at peace with the things i can control, and i am dealing with the things that i cannot control. but  I'm   having fun I'm living large as always. I did that anyways with or without money. I have adventures it  doesn't  matter if I am dirt poor or with money in the bank. I do things. i have good  friends  and family and that's  all  i need. there is something missing but that's on  you're  fucking terms.  you've  made that clear. but some adventures it's not even remotely you that im missing taking him to.  I'm not going to stop living and enjoying myself just because i want you in my life. I'm perfectly fine without you, I always have been. this summer is going to be epic and you wont be there for a single