Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

so much for yesterday's angry and hostile rant, it couln't kill my good mood, there are two things in life that matter right now... my son and lego batman.... i bet you people were expecting death and taxes lol. anyways things are back to normal, did a comphrehensive job search tonight and did some reflecting and it's better to be somewhere that advances my career rather than being in a holding pattern in a place that is a shit hole and will continue to be a shithole because no one notices that somethings wrong and rules and regulations promotoe a hostile dog eat dog atmossphere... the only reason i survived is i have just dont give a fuck attitude... and that's the truth.. but onto bigger and better things. Current mood: tired, it's been a long day.

what kind of fucking assholes temrinates someone without any real excuse given, no written warning and on the holidays? esp. after said person as just worked the bulk of them unsupervised with express orders not to contact management over said holidays??Did i mention this was done over the phone? fucking goofs, i don't miss my job, i had my misgivings from the start and i am trying to retain some of the positive momentuem i had from this morning going into my day because the one thing that means anything in my life is my son and he's here.. but after the disgusting bullshit and the way i have been treated i think they are aware that i was always one shift away from quitting, and management there is a fucking joke anyways. i better get my new year stats and all of my vaca pay, i am not amused. i am mulling over more drastic action but i think i need to speak to an impartial employment person or a lawyer first, i am glad this means my weekends are back to normal, and to be total

today is an awesome day, even when yesterday went south because of work related issues and my own stupidity and another person's lack of common sense at least when push comes to shove and things get royally Fubared, people come thru for me and him. i am sorry to those people for being the grinch this week, being away from my son and having a miserable job and very little social interaction outside of work with anyone because i don't live here and anyone i am really freinds with here either has moved on or i choose to associate with them only a specific times. sometimes you have to take a step back from the anger and your own misplaced emotions to relaize you aren't the only person out there, i was hurting and i lashed out and it was wrong. that being said, ther eis a good chance i'm moving back to brantford now and it makes sense since the stupidity's of yesterdays commute, esp. if i can get this apt. i want in west brant, but obviously i need to deal with some of t

god i hate asshole landlandy whose understanding of the english language is a joke, much less the lanlord and tenant act.. fucking cunt demands july 30th at midnight when the paperwork reads until july 1st.. dumb fucking cunt... i'm busy packing and having a beer with a freind after a long day and renting my new apartment.. you dont have to make a fucking scene at 230 am outside of your house in our neighboor yellig and screaming at me... i'm not a total idiot i do understand some of the language. i will be so fucking glad to be moved and it's a good thing i have respct and morals and my job or the bottle of southern comfort i was busy throwing up across the road at 4 am would have landed in a front door window... but i'm not like that anymore... but come july 1st fuck you, fuck off and good riddance. Current mood: Pissed off and tired of this bullshit. Current Music: Fire, Fire... Rammstein

god i hate asshole landlandy whose understanding of the english language is a joke, much less the lanlord and tenant act.. fucking cunt demands july 30th at midnight when the paperwork reads until july 1st.. dumb fucking cunt... i'm busy packing and having a beer with a freind after a long day and renting my new apartment.. you dont have to make a fucking scene at 230 am outside of your house in our neighboor yellig and screaming at me... i'm not a total idiot i do understand some of the language. i will be so fucking glad to be moved and it's a good thing i have respct and morals and my job or the bottle of southern comfort i was busy throwing up across the road at 4 am would have landed in a front door window... but i'm not like that anymore... but come july 1st fuck you, fuck off and good riddance. Current mood: Pissed off and tired of this bullshit. Current Music: Fire, Fire... Rammstein

the week of Hell is over, time for a little slice of heaven, forget heartaches and headaches and drama and bullshit, it's time for whats important, it's amazing how one little voice can make all my worries go away and give me back whatever patience i may not have had that day. Current Mood: Excited, he's coming. Current Music: No sleep till brooklyn, Beastie boys.

At least things are back to normal and the people that make my weekends miserable are the people that are agian making my life miserable. of course it doesn't help when people have attitudes and are late and/or are just complete assholes, but then agian, i'm an asshole and proud of it.. so whatever. NO email today time to spend some Money on a phone call... pay day loan tommorow and a little light of funshine... can't wait... it's going to be a fun week hopefully, no concerns and No bullshit for a whole week. WOW! Current Mood: Positive.

..and the main portion of the holiday is over.. thankfully.. of course i've always got to wait for ebenezer's scrooge's daughter to come out on monday and decide to be miserable for yet another day of the year, it's always about the way she feels and the misery she can inflict on others, it's wonderful when you have excuses, not to mention Brantfords so wonderful with my social support system and my low paying low wage highly stressed filled desk job. 2 more days and then i'm done. a Whole week off, WOW!!! and they even pay me for a few days. BAH HUMBUG, Merry Christmas And happy New years folks. Current Mood: Lousy, better than yesterdays tho.

at least the Christmas confrontation is over, why do people always choose the holiday to air their greivances, of course, i'm about to deal another problem attitude, you'd think if you were civil i might be a little more accomadating but when you can't string together two words in a civil tone towards me and have absolutley nothing to say to me because you are with the idiot boyfreind at the mall and you expect me to be acoomadating when you have no clue about new years and refuse to speak about it? i'm expecting to see the boys in blue this week. obviously this is just another system of control to make an already miserable holiday even more miserable. Current mood: Angry.

Merry fucking HOHo... this holiday just keeps getting better, the fact i have to wait till january for a great many things does not make this holiday seem any more impressive to me, nothing like working this holiday alone. some people don't understand and want to lecture first thing in the morning about being Late for work on a day where I didn't need to be up early and doesn't understand situation about weather, holiday etc. Yes I need a car, yes it might be a good idea to move here, I don't need the lecture today. I am thinking about moving to brantford but i have responsibilitys elsewhere and there isn't much of a thin line between work and welfare right now. i don't really give two shits about this holiday, i was hoping for a happy new year but i got fucked for that too due to attitude and $$$, so fucking what.. it's not like there's anyone else in my life like a dependant that depends on me or anything. Current Mood: Pissed.

I was gonna call her the bitch that stole christmas but i'm not that cruel, it only takes a little bit of attitude and a lack of civility to turn what is supposed to be one of the happiest times of the year into a time when i'm feeling like a pile of complete shit, thanks. it's not like i'm working the bulk of the holidays for a reason so you can enjoy time with him and i ask for one day to go to the movies and hang out and you turn it into a pile of shit. Sometimes i just fucking wonder if it's another method of control, you must enjoy making me miserable.. or at the very least confused. Whatever, You're not important anymore.. AND I THINK YOU KNOW IT!!! Current Mood: Fucking shitty and i am fucking miserable, merry fucking christmas. CUrrent Music: EVERY LIE, My Darkest Days

a coffee at the end of shift at lonnies on market and a hot burger to kill a couple of hours, looking real forward to xmas now. things are a little less creative anarchy this week which is nice... soon stabilty as it comes... no expectations. Current mood: Happy

sometimes shit happens and in the midst of all the confusion one makes bad decisions. i need to start focusing on what is important in my life instead of fucking around with the small stuff... today was a total waste.. probaly going to be the same with the whole holiday. sometimes i need to take a step back and focus and lately i've been letting the anarchy that is the hallmark of my life affect my plans rather than trying to focus on the straight and narrow. Current mood: Frustrated.

sometimes if you leave things just the way that they are things change just by taking a step back. Having the time to take a breath and leave all the the troubles behind takes a few seconds of patience and isn't always the healthiest option in the heat of the moment but once things are settkled down and anaylyzed it ends up being the correct decision. Current mood: exhausted from the weekend.

Momentary happinesses aside it is time to start looking for more productive things in my life... sometimes the best things that can happen to you involve adversity. it is the patience to overcome these things that defines one as a human being and as a man. Current Mood: Null.....

I should be in a good happy mood today but i'm not, it seems that whenever i decide to act on one of the true positives in my life that things get derailied by other concerns on/or about the same day. at least i have those positives in my life when i am on a sea of confusion. little conversations with a little person can be the highlight of any day. hopefully he likes his gifts. i'm really proud of the fact that one of them is a collasal learning toy and optimus prime. Current mood: Happy cuz he's five.

the above picture describes my current emotions. i am just a ferryman escorting unwanted souls to a place where they can be warm. i am not here to save lives or make any kind of signifigant change and therefor i am starting to feel althought my once sought after skills are being wasted and my senses dulled. i shouldn't leave frustrated is hould leave with a sense of accomplishement but that hasn't been happening recently. my outlook is slowly changing over time... i am becoming even colder and bitter like Charon.. over the river Styx. Current Mood: Frustrated,Tired.

Even when things are frustration central, it is easy to lose focus.. i have decided that it is time to change strategy a little and instead of remaining complacent i am going to out to seek new Life and new oppurtuinitys... yeah i know.. i should use the star trek trailer today but the lego pics fits my mood and the new clear feeling i am having about moving on from a hopeless exsistense which i currently mired under. as owen hart once said... enoughs enough and it's time for a change... enough of the shit hitting the fan and the angry me hitting the wall. frustraions need to come to a close... too many things are bothering me right now.. i had a complicated enough life before.. i do not need a half million hanger's on and added political problems, this isn't what i went to to school for.. this isn't what i chose... there has to be something better out there... i am not going to make another descion out of desperation agian. the next time i make a decision like this i a

i am getting so sick of the current mood. if i wanted to be backstabbed and deal with bullshit i knew exactly where to look. I made a big sacrifice and it seems the minute thati get a little bit comfortable with something other forces within use jealousy and bullshit to take it away from me.. i'm still looking forward but i think it's time to make some lifestyle changes and do whats right for me... i'm sick of being a bleeding heart and caring about other people.. god knows that the only one looking out for me is me... i honestly don't think i can no longer give a damn with the situation i'm in.. and that's not healthy or good for my mental health, some people just don't understand what i'm going thru either... i think they think i should just man up and take it like a good little soilder, sometimes i think that they are right, and sometime i think that they have no clue what i am going thru, this is not what i signed on for... when a freind asked me wh

Should be trick or treating tonight but sometime priorities come first. i will take it off next year if i am still stuck in the same circle of lies. there are sacrifices made that no one seems to notice but me... at least a phone call will be made before night falls on samhain... should be an interesting midnight. Currrent mood: tired. Current Music: Nighttrain, Guns and Roses.

trying to figure out the next move... at least things aren't as complicated as sometime i make them seem. i am getting slowly burnt out at work with these extra shifts and it affects my relations with all those around me.. there's some good news on that front as there is something in hamilton to interview for this week which might be more career fufilling and i'm still waiting on other people to call me back. i am happy with my job but i wish there was less anarchy involved. we will see what the next year holds. Current mood: still tired.

one down (toronto)and another one to go (fonthill). i remeber the person that used to live in this city, i'm not him anymore. wandering around the downtown esp. younge and queen reminded of how much i have distanced myself from the young man that i used to. i guess responsibilty can do that to a man. hoping one of these permanent jobs comes thru. i'm sick of dealing with burucratic nonsense. i have better things to do with my time. looking forward to tommorow and the positiveity that is going to come with it. hoping for this job (covenant House) but i'm not ruling out a return to Niagara if the right offer comes along. this week has been interesting to say the least haven't seen home in the last 5 days and i won't till monday or tuesday next week... at least if i'm out of the house it means progress and $$$, even if i have a few sleepless nights and/or days. we'll have to see what come's next. Current Mood: Wet. Current Music: Aerosmith, Ragdoll.

what was i thinking? 18 hours long? i am barely getting by on coffee and andrenaline at this point. and least i have toys to entertian me and a good nights sleep with a little one in my arms last night to show for it.. it was nice to have him around at my house for a few days and do daddy/little boy stuff...it makes garbage shifts like the remandier of the weekend worth it.... hopefully the fates have it in them to change the cards soon Current mood: exhausted,

it's too bad that my little man is sick... i have had tonight planned out for over a month. we are going to it anyways i just hope this makes him feel better. current mood: hopeful, Happy to see him.

it was a good visit and now i am sitting at home with nothing to do. i cannot wait till next weekend. i am a little worried about behavior but that is par for the course.. but what else is new? Current Mood: Lousy.

considering he's already doing funky little voices for this movie i am looking forward to watching this movie tonight. we are going to the pen centre. i tresure every moment i can with him even if we just end up hanging out in a mall and going for dinner and then running around toys r us. the movie should be fun... too bad i won't see much of my Home this week. current Mood: well rested and happy. Current Weather: Rain.

trading in a game for more than i paid for it because it was boring and instead ended up with junior's xmas present. batman and lego is such a good idea. it's been a long day and it isn't over yet, so much to deal with right now, but if this bring's a little bit of happiness into someone's life then I am fuffilled. Note to self: go home and see if i have any other games i'm not playing that might be worth trading in. Current mood: tired.

Everything is more complicated and everything changes. it's time to dicover what the next move is going to be. waiting for something new to come around is illusionary. Current mood: tranquil.

sometimes there isn't anything positive going on and you feel like you have hit a brick wall. i need to find some motivational factor out there to keep me from stagnation. i think turning 32 and the relization of the 8 year gap between now and then is affecting me. maybe i should go home and enjoy me some carling... but drinking alone is so fucking depressing. need to find some loser to drink with me. Current Mood: depressed.

sometimes the positiveity far outweighs the negativity esp. when dustbunnies are involved. Current Mood: Lonely.

Swimming and hanging out at the beach and the water at long point with my son has to be one of the highlights of my life. we had a great weekend and i am hoping to do it agian maybe next year. he's extremely happy and loved the sand, the cottage (we stayed in a barn.) and the water... it was pretty awesome. i wish we could have stayed longer.. ah their's always next year.. it was cool. Current mood: happy.

should be fun. Current Mood: happy. Current Music: Ozzy, I Don't Know.

not as bad as i thought it would be, it's an interesting job. Current mood: tired still.

this has been an eventuful week, kid, new house, new job... everythings coming up positive. have a few arrangemtns to make but it's all good... jack frost percy's gonna bring daddy some cool air and good luck i think, we are happy, that's all the matters i have to figure out a few things and then it's off to the cottage i go. Current mood: hot but excited. i start work friday.

But He's happy.... ..and driving me crazy with the carebears... but it's all good.. he's having a good time... we went garage saling today and he got some toys and videos for 4$. right now he's playing pbs kids on a computer which is pretty cool.

gotta love when everything good comes together for you at the exact same time. of course it get's confusing and frustrating but yeah, it's all good. i'll be spending the week with family, watching cartoons, and just hanging out with the only person that matters. Current Mood: Frustrated but happy.

any time a light of fresh air comes into the world and provides me with hope a shitstorms seems to follow it.. i guess my luck couldn't hold out... the thing i was hoping for today to change my life for the better is a pipe dream, feels like i'm baning my head agianst a glass ceiling that wants to remain at the current station of my life... current mood: frustration.

another interesting night in hess village... i don't understand the mentality in this city, of course then again it is quite possible that i have evolved away from that mentality and mature.. who the fuck knows... growing up is hard to do when everyone you know has been left behind. Current Mood: Pissed Off Current Music: Bullet with Butterfly wings, Smashing Pumpkins.

having a good feeling about today's interview and have another one coming up. maybe things are improving. hopefully by the end of the year i can get employment shit organized, last year was the resolvement of the personal, this year is the positivety towards employment. maybe things will turn around, they are already looking up. Current Mood: positive Current Music: 8 easy steps, Alanis Morrisette.

thanks to a phone call things may be improving. Current Mood: Better. Current Music: Rock and Roll Rebel, Ozzy Fucking Osbourne.

nothing is more frusrtating as playing the social services lottery. gotta love this city. At least the Job situation is improving. 2 interviews this week, another one next week. Current mood: frustrated by the situation. Current Music: Spineless, Alanis Morisette.

i love father's day. pizza and hanging out in montebello park were the highlight of my week. he is so cute when he wants to be, did i mention my little ego learned how to sing Hello Goodbye by the beatles this weekend? he is also mucho impressed by his new room in his new house. and there is nothing like watching something his grandfather and I Both grew up on... he loves the flintstones natch. so happy right now it's like i'm blessed. Current Mood: Bleesed. Current Music: Miracle Man, OZZY.

sitting around in st. catherines waiting for a pickup, why is it cold in Hamilton but warm as hell here, did i mention i signed off on the new aparment today? and a shitload of job interviews next week or so... things are improving slowly... Current Mood: Happy Current Music: Flight of the Phoenix, Final Stage. http://www.finalstage.ca/media/phoenix160.mp3

another sunday wasted by doing absolutly nothing except closing my eyes and dreaming of a better tommorow. Current Mood: apathy. Current Music: Metallica, One

Act 1: gotta love the drama when the first summer's heat comes down.... so here is a play by play.. i'm sitting around playing my guitar for shits and giggles and first a broad passes out drunk after her freinds are carrying her spread eagle for the world to see... defintly an omen of a good night... a bunch of cops, 2 fire trucks, and the abulance, gotta love the effects of roofies. act 2: the running man. nothing like seeing a guy run like ben fucking johnson down hess st. only to get tackeld by 4 cops.. and then try to fight them off. yeah that's a battle yer not going to win. Do not pass go Do not collect 200$ Go directly to Barton Jail. act 3: hess village is closed off by 6 cruisers because the whole bar is involved in a fight? i thought i had seen stupidity in st. catherines and windsor but this city takes the fucking cake... did i mention i only made 9 bucks... i'm still annoyed trying to find the right mix for housing... patience with so called freinds is lacki

it's summer.. i should not be as frustrated as i currently am. there is too much bullshit swirling around my head at the moment. i need to get back to centered place and figure everything out. doors open and doors close.. but it seems everything around me in this city has stayed the same... the only diffrence between me and hamilton in the last twenty years has been me. it's interesting. frustration sets in when i realize that unemployment is rampant in this city so i am looking towards toronto ansd peel. starting to thinking about getting more involved with something like OCAP and other anti-poverty associations.. it's too bad that the one i would really like to be an advocate for isn't availible as an organization in ontario, which sucks... but whatever.. Capre deim. Current Mood: apathy.

hoping for good results tommorow. Current mood: tired.

Hamilton Sucks, let's face it... i outgrew this town 3 t shirt sizes ago. i could still wear a meduim this city and my intellect were matched, the good old days are dead and gone... i just have to remeber who i am and whats important.. fuck hamilton, i'm only here until the next possible solution presents itself. Next!!!!! Current mood: stoned. Song:Trippin' on a Hole in a Paper Heart Artist:Stone Temple Pilots

I have had a fucking interesting weekend, so what else is new...; nothing like being ripped off by stupid crackheads for less money than a pack of cigarerttes and a beer. lame,lame, lame, You wanta antagonize me Antagonize me motherfucker Get in the ring motherfucker things look like they might possibly be improving on the public relations front however. Current Mood: apathetic

Hamilton and esp. Hess village are interesting at night... it's funny how so many things can change in a place you once called home... it's almost alien to me now.. some of the same misadventures are still happening... i just feel so much older now... less interesting when i have positive agenda issues to deal with instead. I got a foot in the gutter A foot in the grave I aint seen home In the last three days Oh my God look what the cat dragged in Livin my life sin after sin Night rolls up and I do it again Current Mood: sleep induced coma for most of saturday.

there comes a time when one must look inside and not to the external material basis of things to find true value. it's time to be introspective and find things out about oneself espically in the face of advirsity. grateful for things the things i have, yes. Current mood: wondering.

The act of adjusting or the state of being adjusted. A means of adjusting. Settlement of a debt or claim. A modification, fluctuation, or correction: made an adjustment on the telephone bill; an adjustment in the consumer price index. Current mood: Happy.

it's time to start taking inentory of my life and start figuring things out. i am not in the greatest of moods but at least i am moved.. tommorow i will begin to start the long process of getting everything in my life together... in 6 months hopefully things will be much improved.. Current mood: adventerous.

i cannot belive that i am here agan trying to improve things but leaving things to come down to the fucking wire... as usual i am useless... at least if i can find something tommorow that will be an improvement, otherwise i;m screwed. Current Mood: miserable.

Please kill me, i can't watch this movie agian for the hundreth time in 24 hours. i don't care how you do it just do it Quick... and in other news, i don't want him to go home... this week has been awesome. Current mood: happy.

there is only so much Spongebob squarepants an adult male can take in one day.. Help!!!!

i am getting tired of getting barked at when my sleeping little angel is in his bed. the big puppies are good and over protective... just like the should be. current mood: exhausted.

never give a child 20 timbits to eat in the afternoon if you expect him to go to bed at a normal time. current mood: exhausted, go to sleep already.

nothing like playing outside in the snow and watching the doggies.. interesting day at the grocery store and if i have to sit thru mater and the ghost light one more time i will explode.... overall we are having a good time. Current Mood: happy and satisfied.

it's been a long day. Not the best behavior.. it's either cabin fever or homesickness. we should probaly go out in the snow to the store after dinner... it doesn't help i'm not feeling very well and no one but the dogs have been around. but hopefully things will settle down now that a movies on. can you guess which one? Current Mood: tired.