Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

It's not Easy knowing what to think right now when a long forgotten part of my past walks back into the picture and while it is a good thing I have mixed fucking emotions about said past and what the outcome these days could be...I don't know if i am ready to be active and involved as i have my own little fractured family to deal with and this person is a memory to me... that's it... we have not spoken in many many years and I am not exactly sure what my emotions are, making contact is a good thing but me being on the sidelines is the current plan if only because it may be safer for all involved till the olive branch is dropped, I have too many things going on in my own addled mind and with my life to deal with it right now, I just have to keep moving forward and deal with my primary issues and not the issues of others for the moment. Current Mood: Tired,sad,happy,depressed. One's past is what one is. It is the only way by which people should be judged.

I have to move forward, because when i look back other than a very small meaningful amount of time there is nothing to look backwards on, I would rather be the person I am now and ready to take on the next step in my evolution than go back and wallow in pain and despair and anger, there are a lot of things wrong in my life but there are a lot of things right, and things that i have done right, I won't let anyone ruin me or allow myself to be ruined by other's negative emotions. Current Mood: Determined. Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

I am thinking positively and moving forward and trying to do the best things i can in my life, i am on an emotional high in this part of the fucking rolling coaster of my life and you know what as long as i am happy and things are going good i would like them to continue to be this way, I came across something today in my own personal things that made me very happy and i thought it was very awesome, and to be truthful it reminded me exactly about who i am and why that I am fighting this war, and exactly why I am fighting and never backing down... it's time to be me, but there is a very specific and important part of me missing and soon i will get him back, or die trying. Current Mood: Positive. Sometimes you're so far ahead of the army, you look like the enemy. Don't take it personally.

I'm in a place in my life where right now i am comfortable, I am not completely where i should be in terms of my happiness but i am close, things are going well right now and I am keeping positive and looking forward to the future and things i can do, I have not felt this way in a long time, for the most part i have been under a dark cloud for most the past two years and it feels very good to finally be out from underneath that cloud. it's time to keep going with this positive emotions and let's things fall into place, but not to let the dark emotions like anger and sadness overtake me and instead focus on the things that matter and the fun that i am and will continue to have. i have options I am currently exploring them as best I can and there is a fire in my belly. Current Mood: Happy. Pain is the best teacher of compassion and struggle the best teacher of grace.

From the ghosts of my past a new future or at least a new option has made itself available...it's betetr to have things done by people and agency's i trust rather than dealing with blind faith that other people are going to do the right thing.. I'm sick of the fucking battle but I am ready to fight it at the next level and meet the enemy constantly at the next level, I am a very good student of the art of war and I know to be two or three moves ahead of my supposed opponent... It's good that I have this solution but the real fucking reality is that I should not even be considering this because of the damage done to that little boy i have no choice, at least this is finally some real light in the middle of the road and something that will eventually help long term. Current Mood: Positive. No matter how dirty your past is, your future is always spotless.

I am still trying to find the Next step, there is so happiness in my life but there are also days where i will just lie awake in bed and watch television all day without doing anything important....I need to find a purpose and start doing things again rather than wallowing into nothingness, Sometimes momentary distractions can turn very easily into albatross's around my neck and unwanted distractions. I am always happier when the only person I need to account for is myself, today was a gigantic waste of time trying to seek out a new angle. while I like the money and the part time job distraction i am provided, i don't see myself making much money here. I have enough issues and politics of my own I am not going to be pulled into someone else's orbit and politics. Current Mood: Annoyed. People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

You know while things aren't exactly where they should be they are becoming something closer to the place that i would like them to be... i just have to keep working at it and redirect priorities and keep doing everything in this life that I need to. I have good family and friends around me that support me and the ones that don't, they will soon learn their place in this world doesn't include me in it... it's time to evolve or die and get thing done instead of paying lipservice to all of it.. as much as that one foot stays in the grave i can and do move forward, i have interesting things happening around me and while an important piece of the puzzle is missing from both within and without, i know that I will never stop fighting and the endless battle is becoming a little easier every day, as long as i keep being positive i am invulnerable, i have not been destroyed yet.. it's not likely to happen... Current Mood: Happy, Positive. Current Music: Within temptatio

It's very interesting to hear theories of time travel from two very similar but different little minds and have for different reasons two little innocent souls wanting to accomplish the same goals, it really gives an old embittered warrior who is very bitter a new perspective on things and I get it... I understand why they feel that way and where they are respectively in their lives and how both of them affect my life but it blows my mind how little things like wanting to make a time travel machine and go back in time can come out of a little persons mouth and to here it from two different ones with different concerns in their minds absolutely floors me.. it makes this battle i am fighting so much easier to bear when I realize that this isn't just a programmed or planted delusion in my little one's mind with all the exterior influences around and it's more just a normal part of a child thinking process's.... I am starting to think that this was a very good choice w