Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Today wasn't a good day and one of the obvious reason's why long term after my next major bill is paid off and settled that i don't know past the summer how much longer i will be involved in my current business endeavor... i could have had a fucking garage sale today and made more money, two packs of smokes and Harvey's is fucking ridiculous.. of course I'll be taking something for my son's personal collection but toys are not the same as cash, and everyone knows it. I'm just getting extremely fucking frustrated with the situation, i'm bleeding money into debt and am being smothered in my own fucking house with this shit. and i should be seeing a bit more of the scratch... i appreciate the opportunity but i have somewhat set a date for my fucking swan song... things better change in the next few months or I'm done. If i wanted stress I'd go back on my knees crawling to my old job. this is supposed to be fun, it isn't lately. Current Mood:

I spent this evening doing the exact same thing i would have spent this Easter doing if my son was here. I saw the new Captain America movie, little things like hanging out with my friends today and going to a movie i would have taken my little man too reminds me that i am still human and still a good person even if i am even more darker than i used to be, and given that i have always been more than a little dark, the darkness threatens to completely envelop me it's the little pieces of daylight that shine from my soul sometimes helps to erase the darkness inside... it's always been a battle and a war... this entire blog from day one is a testament to that, and when I'm dead and gone it will in some form be the thing i leave behind. little pieces of me showing thru today show me that I am fighting for the only thing that matter's and it doesn't matter how long it takes. there is not much left to do with my life except to end the battle... that is the only step.

Even tho i have been having a rough week, I am aware that things are changing and the ball is in my corner... it's telling when certain people aren't even part of the equation anymore because the authorities know that she will destroy their case... and you wanna know something else? I have been fighting the system since the day i was born, it is one of the reason i choose my career... while i Might be afraid of the battle with her, One thing i have never fucking feared is the System, they raised me I know all of their lies and tricks... and I know how to beat them at their own game, there is only so long they can hide behind paperwork that doesn't exist... there will be a reckoning and it is coming soon... tick tock.. can't stop the clock... but I have No fear going forward... there are no games that can be played and No more stalling... I have never had any respect for the system even when i worked inside it... maybe i will end up changing things with the next step or

Enjoy what you may have percived as a little victory today, I have no problem when some Judge decides to go all firestorm and brimstone on me, I know justice is blind, but i'm not stupid enough to not know some judge's are biased and some judges are assholes... it's about playing the game and who holds all the cards.... I hope today you felt some fear because you fucking deserved it. I had nothing but rage.... but then agian.. an innocent man is allowed to be angry and have that rage.. esp. when that is all that feeds his all too often empty soul... you destroyed me... I am a hollow shell of the man i used to be, but in being destroyed in fire means I will come back even stronger... while i have been forever changed by every one of your actions at this point there is an endgame.. one i think you do not hold the cards for... the chess game is ending... Justice may be blind but the people controlling it are not... you are an idiot to think this can continue forever... it wil

Tick Tock, the days count down till the game has been changed, it's time to show you for you true colours and start making some positive changes in our life... I am truly sick of this battle and the fact that everything has been delayed to this point.. but then agian, I know exactly where I have always stood, between you and Him, the exact place you don't like because the less you control me is the less you can control him, but in doing so you place his little innocent soul in the balance, one of the things i never wished for was the my child would end up having to deal with the same broken family bullshit i endured, but instead you've made it worse, and the more I think about it it's by design not you're stupidity and bullshit and ignorance, i think it's been done on purpose, remember when he grows up, it won't be just me he hates. the one gift i will be able to give him them is every record about how I tried and fought, and never stop fighting. it is only

There are days when I don't know what I'm looking forward to. I am seeing battle's played out before me and All i wonder is what is the final destination, who and what will i have become.. I am aware that someone else is living on borrowed time.. tick tock.... tick tock... but none of that, none of it ever changing is going to give me back the last three years i have lost... and All the time before that, all of the time that was played with, in selfish need for control and games.... just remeber... I may be playing with two pairs in my hand, and this is no longer a game of chess, this is poker, and i'll sit straight faced holding the high cards... meanwhile you're bluffing, you have nothing... I have the Ace's and eight's, the Dead Man's hand. the advantage is mine to lose now. it's time to play the cards and let them land where they will... Do you know what happen's to man a man when his haart still beats and care's for people even tho he ha