I don't like finding out today that this so called counselling has been availible for the last year and that the wall of confidentiality and silence is still pervasive.. I understand it, I have been a part of the system for so many years i know exactly what can and canot be talked about... but Finding out that this counselling has been arranged since shortly after may 22nd 2013, i am angry and ballastic, there is a reason i am at war.. and this has been three plus years of fighting... when something needs to be fucking done I get it done.. but when i find out that games are being played behind my back and the truth is a bit less than what has been let and it is clear someone is in in contempt and playing games to continue the process and or to get me to go away? I don't like that it is clear this counselling has been availible since the get go and that Stalling has happened for over a year because someone is scared about what might be said... I'm no angel and I'm No saint.. But i have no fear about what my child might reveal in that setting, what I do have concerns about is that given there is a pre-exsisting relationship between the mother and counsellor, i have some serious fucking concerns that things might be skewed due to that.... there is probaly some irony to the fact i will sending the payment tommorow... 14 fucking years... tommorow... at war for most of his life... and then, i find out that the counselling has been availible for the last fucking year... and that this was probaly a delibrate stall tactic to yet agian delay court? well guess what? no more delays, no more bullshit, i don't care what i have to do, what i have to steal, what soul i have left I have to sell.. there will be an ending and soon.. there is a fucking timetable for this.... i am going to make sure it's enforced... I am not dealing with another fucking year of this shit. I have some options, It's time to act upon them or walk away.. I am fighting a war.. It needs to fucking end, another year of this shit and he speaks for himself and everything changes anyways. I am done, I will do what needs to be done, but when smoke and mirrors are the order of the day and it's clear that this whole thing was delayed on purpose to get an edge or an upper hand in court because of the mind games and the bullshit you have placed on my son? it's going to be very interesting what happen's at the end of this... I will see you burn... whether it's this life or the next in hell, I will watch you burn. I think that the worse part of this thing is trying to remain calm and stay calm without letting my anger and tempter and the fact that I want to tear her into teeny tiny peices and eat what remains of her blackened soul away from the professional process, it's is unbeliveably hard to deal with when speaking with someone when I find out that their have been services provided for the last year and I am supposed to in blind trust hand over money I don't even have... it's not about the money... that's been dealt with, I know what my responisbilties are.. I'll sacrifice everything for that little boy if i have to... that's never been a fucking question. it's the fact that I'm not the most trusting person in the world and I don't trust someone who is supposedly already invovled with my son and has been apparently doing counselling with my child under the disguise of bereavement counselling, which one is it.. are you dealing with the grandmother being murdered by the uncle, Or daddy issues? or Mommy issues.. I did not get a straight answer today and I am very confused... I need to step back and let the professionals deal with it.. but a few of the professional's like the lawyer who are supposedly on my side.. need to see some teeth, they need to see this anger i have inside.. thing's need to be done... she can slip thru the loopholes and the cracks of the system and play games for years on end because the system is a joke... I cannot be alone and on the attack, the main piece of this war is the court case... it's time my represenative on that playing feild steps up to the plate and shows some teeth, shows some fangs at this point.. 3 years.. this need to end, not get to trial agian and be at another stalling point.. I'll go down fighting if i have to... but I can't or won't fight forever...I might have to, and that scares me.... there has to be a point this ends.... or I walk away.
Current Mood: ANGRY beyond belief.
As long as a person is involved with warfare, trying to defend or attack, then his action is not sacred; it is mundane, dualistic, a battlefield situation.
For no matter how many battles had been won or lost, no matter how many friends and soldiers killed, every battle felt like the first. And I realized that it wasn't the training, nor the pain of seeing friends die, nor the will to win that made the men fight, but their will to survive that made them soldiers.
Comments