Am I frustrated? Yes. Am I starting to hold grudges? Yes. I'm not sure what the end result of anything is going to be anymore, I'm trying to function and trying to be a good person and the reality of that is that I am not a fucking good person. I'm selfish and I'm only about me. I've had to be. The reality right now is that I am between a rock and a hard place in my decision making process and the longer and longer I keep letting things be status quo nothing is ever going to fucking change. I don't and can't see any more real money coming out of these fucking transformers, the plastic shit that has partially defined my fucking life for the past three years, and more than that, the things needed or wanted from most of this shit isn't happening. I'm really fucking debating what the next step is. I know I have to think of myself and my son but I do have other responsibilities now as well and not a whole lot of money to deal with those things or to deal with anything. It's fucking cold outside and the reality is like always I'm going to go back to busking and looking for a fucking job, because that's the reality of my survival, it's nice to fade away and go somewhere else instead of being home alone and miserable but I need to decide what's right for me and the people I care about, not everything is as fuckin cut and dry as everyone thinks it is. I don't know the next step and part of that problem is that I don't know what I'm doing now, I have no idea what the next chess move is at all. Part of the good thing about the stupid toy crap was that it was a distraction and it gave me something to do, long nights spent packing and planning shows occupied my mind and time and distracted from the skeletons rattling around in my mind and my closet. But now what do I have, I'm almost thinking at the end of the day once agian it's going to be nothing, not even enough to fill one glass shelf, and what about the money? It'll go where it needs to but the real reality is that certain things were wanted and provided for and didn't happen. I don't mind picking up the slack but when it fucking seems that's all I'm fucking doing and I'm barely financially fucking functional myself, it's frustrating. These things, love them or hate them are still my things, and some should be left over for my kid, or at least other nice shit should replace them. I'm used to being the last person anyone fucking worries about, but I'm debating the next fucking step of my life.... And it is not going to be the expected outcome everyone thinks is going to happen, I just know that this toy thing has become yet another albatross around my neck, only now it's a slightly different albatross, it used to be one of hate, it's turning into one of regret. I know that I have to focus my energies elsewhere, but I'm not sure what that means? I can't see any point to my fucking life right now... And it's frustrating to wonder what would have been had I chosen to not involve anyone in my life the last year, I'm not going to play what if? Tho, miserable, happy, angry, it's all the same emotion and function. It all drives me to the one big thing that's fucking important. But when even that is clouded by the fact that there are other factors in my life, I'm not exactly sure what's the next step. The only thing I know for sure from this moment on is I am not looking back from whatever decisions I've made in the past.
I'm frustrated and I don't know what the next move is, not in this psychological game of chess that dominates every aspect of my fucking life and not in my personal life either, I am a man caught between two places, sometimes ones where I don't want to belong to either, I'm debating what to do with my life but right now I'm not completely sure what the point is or what exactly I am accomplishing anymore. It's time for some long hard decisions and ultimately no looking back. As usual I am not looking forward or back, I am standing still, I'm no longer the man I was and I'm not the man I wanted to be, I'm something else.
Current Mood: Frustrated.
Current Music: Megadeth, In My Darkest Hour.
You have become my own personal demon. You haunt me, tempt me, drive me mad with wanting you, and I can no longer blame prophecies or powers or fate. It's just you. I have chosen you.
Everything he had ever done that had been better left undone. Every lie he had told — told to himself, or told to others. Every little hurt, and all the great hurts. Each one was pulled out of him, detail by detail, inch by inch. The demon stripped away the cover of forgetfulness, stripped everything down to truth, and it hurt more than anything.
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