Twenty fucking years of abandoning another life, the person underneath that maybe the world wants me to be, it would have been easier to be the criminal and have not accomplished everything that I did, over and over agian. All I simply did was build a castle for others to keep fucking tearing down. When I look upon my history I fucking wonder was it all worth it? I'm still starving and fighting for everything that I wanted... What's the difference from back then when I was scratching and biting for everything that I had and wanted.... And now I'm doing the same. When I get to a place where I know better off alone and detached from everyone, it's a familiar feeling, and I've been here before. At some point I know exactly where I belong and if something has gotten to a point where I'm just waiting for an end, maybe it's time to end it, I know the limits of my patience and exactly who and what I am, it's a lot easier when I'm just waiting for other shoe to drop, sometimes I expect things to end because it's the easy way out, sometimes I want them to end for the exact same reason. When I look in the mirror and see more memories than man, it's clear I need to do something in my life to change. Things that at one point mattered or were precious to me are nothing so much as dust, when I look back upon my past, there are places I've wasted my life, some more recent than others, my life, my legacy, these stupid fucking material possessions that have meant nothing, always only a means to an end, there's always been something more important, something or someone to fight, a battle I needed to rage, it makes me wonder, what will truly happen when the wars I fight are over, they haven't yet consumed me, I know that, but will they leave me hollow? Have they already? I know it's my destiny to be alone, my question at this point is exactly just how alone, how will I be remembered, that particular fact, will come to light soon, and in that moment I will be redeemed or completely destroyed, I know that. I'm prepared for either reality, are the others around me prepared for the same? Are they prepared for the man inside me, the monster I've always been, the demon? Are they prepared if all hope is lost and I finally allow the darkness in? As long as I've had the war, I have had something to keep me from decending into a hell of my own choosing, what happens when I no longer have that to hide behind? What kind of man do I become then? The battle is all I've ever known, it's a part of me, like a limb or an organ, it's all that left of me, without it, regardless of what I have, I am a shell. This is a last battle, it's never been my soul on the line, that has been long forfeit, it's about someone else's. But I do wonder, what happens when I no longer have that little bit of tangible hope to rely on? What else in my life will I lose between now and then? Sometimes the writings on the wall about where things should grow, and it's not helpful that I very easily grow distant from those I love... It's not about me, it's never been about me, but when it's all said and done, when I'm standing in the wreckage, victor or vanquished, who the fuck is gonna be there standing with me? Really? At least I know I can take care of myself regardless, that's the devil I know, he stares back at me every time I face a fucking mirror, but I shouldn't constantly have to question those at my side.. My life lessons to teach should not be take care of yourself first and then family and then everyone else, but that's the kind of man I am, that's what the world has made me, that's what the fucking system has turned me into,that's what you created, I embrace it,it's better to be feared than loved, because when they fear you, they respect you. I'd rather be the demon in your closet than the ghost in your past. I'd rather meet you on holy high ground and burn than use your tactics with a political knife to the back. I'm ready for war, I'm ready to lose, I've spent decades losing, as long as I get some retribution and some answers, as long as I know where I truly stand with him, this can and will end, but I'm not backing down, and I don't care who stands beside me, I care even less for those who stand in my way. There is only one truism in this battle, after everything you have tried and attempted to do, I am still standing, I am still the devil you know, and you knew this devil intimately. So do they.
I've gotten myself to a point where I trust no ones intentions except my own. People have long since proven to me that if I put faith in them, eventually they will let me down. I'm sure to them I'm the exact same way. The difference is, if you're important to me I'll fight for you without question until that moment that I question why I am fighting for you, I am very close to that fucking moment and as usual I find myself withdrawing, not knowing exactly where I stand....and questioning everyone around me's motives, When emotion and affection start to fade and I'm simply going thru the motions again, I honestly fucking question myself more than I should have to in this lifetime. About to turn forty and the world has left the salty taste of ashes in my mouth, I have options and I keep finding myself growing more distant everyday from everything and everyone, maybe that's part of my nature, to push everyone away, or maybe it's a survival instinct. At this very moment I'm not fucking sure. Knowing that the other shoe is going to drop and it's just a matter of when is better than waiting for the damn show to drop, sometimes when your alone, it's better to figure things out by yourself and see exactly where you fucking stand with people, that much of late has been made crystal fucking clear. The only person I can depend on in the greater scheme of things is myself, and the fact that some bonds are falling to pieces is evident of a world that I am not in control of, but I am in current control of my place in this world and I am The Lord and master of my universe, it might be a losing game but it's mine to fight, but if I am no longer worth the effort to have others fight for me, I am starting to consider I do not have the effort to fight for others as well, only for the things I believe in, only for the one thing that matters most of all. It's single minded and it's selfish, and it's all that at the end of the day that I have, the one thing that no one can take away from me is the love of a father for his son, that can never be stripped from me, but everything else has been and decisions about my date have been attempted, only my undying patience and time will see that they are failed. When I stand amongst the fucking ruins it will come as certain surprise if anyone else is standing, much less anyone else standing beside me, these long years of war, it's expected, I'll be standing alone. It's a reality I've long since made my peace with, because to be completely fuckin honest, I don't expect any other further peace in my life, it's a fucking illusion, I will always be at war, it's been eleven years, it will not end. Not till one or both of us are in the ground and cold. That's the curse you've given him, but for as little you may respect my character you know exactly what runs thru these veins, mine and his, I've never backed down from anyone or any challenge in my life, no matter the fucking cost, you know that the one thing I will never tucking do is back down from you, it's that's the only lesson I get to teach my son, I will have made my peace with that, but never will I make my peace with you. You've manipulated and controlled my life for far too long, even now a spectre of a long dead relationship still controls my current ones, because in an instant they can be destroyed, and forgotten about. Only the strong survive, and usually they are left to survive alone, I know that I can endure the oncoming storm, I am the oncoming storm, but like most forces of nature, I am indiscriminate in the damage I will end up doing, better to be alone than to do damage to the ones I care about, better to fade away into memory, it's already coming, why prolong the fucking process. When I'm done, I'll be fucking done. Period.Do you know what's in my nature? It's in my nature to fight, that's all I know how to do, that's all I know how to do... It's a tactical mind upstairs here, there's reasons I read as many war books as I do, same with the tactical and war game, I tried peace, I tried being a good person, that's not who I am, I am the warrior, and I won't be happy till my fists are drenched in blood and the battle has been won. That's my reality, it's a scorched earth policy for the most part for a fucking reason, I don't want to look back and attachments become weaknesses, that's why for the most part I've distanced myself from them recently. It's easier, no collateral damage. Besides it's not like the eternal fucking battle is ever going to end. It continues, maybe I should have some solace in the two constants in my life, being alone and being at war.
I know that I scare and intimidate people, there is a reason I haven't taken a backward step in all of this, not will I ever. I just wonder if the fucking end game continues to be worth it and what shattered pieces will be left to clean up if there is ever a true ending to this battle, this never ending war. I also deal with chaos constantly in my life, there is no normal. Just because I'm used to it doesn't mean it has to be so.
Current Mood: Angry.
War is honest. There's no lying to it. You don't have to say sorry here. Don't have to hide. You cannot. If you die? So what? You die among friends. Among worthy foes. You die looking the Great Leveller in the eye. If you live? Well, lad that's living, isn't it? A man isn't truly alive until he's facing death. I love war!
All I want is to fight... until even my marrow turns into dust.
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