Those people in my life that do not and never have had my back I no longer have any use for. I'm sick of some of these vampires that hang around me when I'm useful for something for them but when it comes time to return the favor, they are like ghosts, especially when it comes to money. I am defining my life and the people I associate with differently after this week and honestly some people are not going to be tolerated the way they once were anymore. There are people you can count on forever, and there are others who when push comes to shove simply aren't going to be there, it's getting clear who's in each camp and I am choosing further interactions carefully. I don't need people in my life unless I can trust and depend on them, everyone else can go fuck themselves. I'm only going to be looking out for my self, it's a joke how much the system is still just a money making industry and trying to get ahead and do anything right is a constant fucking anchor to a status in my life I will never fully fucking escape and those that can't see that this has to be about me instead of them are about to become yesterday's news. I don't have the patience or willingness to keep playing these games, right now all old accounts have to be settled and if it fucking comes down to it, scores will be fucking settled. No more being nice or patient with fuckin people. I need to be self sufficient and take care of the things that are most important in my life, I can't support others or be nice forever waiting.... It's funny, when people need my help I'm there or always have there hand out when I'm doing well and have something to offer, yet the minute I need anything, these people are fucking ghosts. Time for me to do the same, time for me to become invisible unless I have my hand out to these fuckers asking for help. Because I don't need to be there for those that aren't there for me, and more and more of that is becoming self evident and clear. I don't have the money to be merciful to others or forgive and forget when it comes to debts owed or the monkeys on my back.... I have one battle that I can afford, one battle alone that will somehow end up being the money I need to fucking find. If I have to be a fucking mercenary, then I'll be a fucking mercenary, there are priorities.
I have fought and been fighting every single day of my life, I'm tired of doing it. There's only one fight left and that's the only fucking one I'm willing to fucking fight anymore. I'm done dealing with people that don't need to be in my fucking life. The playing board is starting to be cleared as some people are showing true fucking colours. It's got to be about me and my son no one else, and some people will fall away. This is not news, I've spent my fucking life walking away from people, those that I have tried to fucking maintain in my life have slipped thru my fingers whether due to my actions or more usually there own. I don't look back, not in anger, not in regret, not in remorse. My past is history, I don't live there anymore and only certain parts of my past define me like that thing in a frame on my wall. If I don't need something in my life anymore, I cast it aside or I get cast aside, and with some people that writing is on the fucking wall. It's gotta be about me, my own and none of these fucking hangers on that weren't there in my darkest moments, I'm starting to feel those moments agian, I'm at fucking war, I need to know whose in the trenches with me, who I can fucking trust and who needs to be gone. I'm sick of being a good person, at my core, in my soul that's who I might have been, but I've been darkened. It's time to show that. It's time to be less of a good person and show the dark side and the anger and the fangs agian, I'm sick of keeping all of it balled up inside and in check. I have anger and fury and I'm not a nice person when I need to be, it's time for some of you to realize that. I'm sick of being the good and sympathetic friend that always gets fucked over and taken advantage of at best, and at worse, attacked or stolen from. It's about doing for me from now on, there's no reason otherwise. I don't need people in my life like that, not anymore. I don't like or trust a lot of people personally or in my professions and there is a reason for that, I'd rather be mean, old and bitter and alone than deal with bullshit constantly in my life. I don't see a future, I just see things repeating despite the best efforts. I do hold grudges, some of this anger within has been festering for years. Buried deep within but never forgotten.
Right now I am just biding my time waiting, allowing other things in my life to pass me by. It's fucking frustrating not knowing what comes next. More than that, not wanting what I know will come next. The fighting isn't over, neither is the war, but it's frustrating to know this will not end, not as long as both of us draw breath, but that has to be the priority, not anyone hanging on. I'm sick of those people and the sooner they are dispatched from my life the better. There was a time in my life when I just wanted everything gone and go back to being me, but that brought on it's own problems, at this point I'm more thinking certain people that aren't as important as they think they are in my life, need to fucking pay up and then be distanced from. I can't afford to save myself, I'm not about to save anyone else. And for fucking damn sure I'm not going to be a fucking martyr for anyone. When I want to be I am anything but a good fucking person, and right now I don't think I want to be a very nice person, it's not gotten me a whole lot over the years and more taken advantage of than anything else, maybe if I was to let my true darker side show to some of these fucking sycophantic assholes I'd have a lot less problems. Of course, I know where I should have started in terms of that.
There was a time I tried to make peace with myself and quiet the demons within my soul, but you know what, on the eve of turning forty years old, I understand my demons are what define me, what keep me going, the teeth, the anger, the fact that underneath it all I'm not a very nice person if I chose to let loose.... I think if rather be that listening to thrash metal and hating the world as much as I did 20 years ago instead of trying to sit around and be at peace like I was for a brief moment in time... I need my anger and I need my hate. It's what sustains me during the dark times, and I have had more of them than victories. I would rather embrace my dark fucking half than pretend to be someone I'm not. There are things that have slipped away that never should have, and things within deeply buried, some of them need to come back... Some of who I am needs to return, and if it means that some people are going to burn when I settle old scores so be it, I got a nice big score to settle and it's about time that takes precedence over patiently waiting for everything to be ok... It's time to open Pandora's box, it's time to unleash every demon within my heart, because I promise when I'm cut to the bone and exposed there's nothing I have to hide... But plenty that you do... Me and my demons made peace a long time ago... They are my willing playthings now... But what doesn't hurt me, will fucking burn you, all of you. It's time for the demon to come out and play with the world, it's time for me to show the world what's inside this ribcage of control, it's time to turn on all of those people that have no reason to be in my life except for their own selfish reasons. I have gasoline, I have a match, let's burn. I don't need anyone in my life that isn't 100% behind me... This is my life to rule or destroy, I need it to be about me, if it's going to be about him, that's all that matters, everything else doesn't fucking matter and Some of you fucking people need to know that, I'm not the forgiving kind, not do I fucking need to be.
Current Mood: Determined, Angry, Unforgiving.
That’s how you tell a merc is dead; he just stops collecting paychecks
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