Just because I have worked miracles in the past financially doesn't mean I am capable of still doing, when it comes to my kid there's no doubt that I won't try, but I shouldn't have to, it's ridiculous, it's time some people realize that too, I can't do this all myself, and take care of myself and others as well, one thing is going to be paramount and every thing else is just going to take second place. I know that my last vestiges of being willing to do anything for anyone unless there is money involved is being eradicated, I'm seriously done with people and being taken advantage of, there is only so far a good person can be taken advantage of, and I'm long past that point, I'm broken and hollow, there's nothing more of myself to give, not for anyone else, just for my son. It's becoming clear on multiple levels exactly how fucking much I am the only person right now that considers that a fucking priority so it's time that becomes my only priority instead of just my top priority. I'm not going to break my back for anyone anymore, because any time I've tried to help others it's never fucking returned and I'm more likely to end up with a fuckin knife in my back, no more. I'm sick of turning shit into gold and not seeing the fruits of my labours. Whatever's left, regardless if I have to fucking sell everything, is only going to go to one place... I'm sick of others, I'm sick of greed, I'm sick of being taken advantage of, I'm sick of people drawing on my empathy to make me feel bad, guess what I'm a fucking mercenary and and asshole, everything I do benefits me or my child, no one else matters and no one else does... I can and will disregard people from my life easily, and more than that I never forget those that have fucking crossed me or stolen from me, I hold grudges and there will be retribution. I'm sick of being the better person, what has that got me? I'm fuckin forty and I'm still sitting here on a goddamn street corner in front of a beer store with my guitar just like I was fucking doing at 19, what the fuck is the point of that except survival, I've had some great fuckin adventures, but what else do I have? Nothing, memories, nothing to sustain me, nothing of value. I know at this point of my life I have to do some soul searching and find out who I am in this life and for the rest of it, and who and what I want in it, there are going to be some fucking changes and there's going to be a price to pay. Every dime from now on is being used to get my kid home, I'm not going to be as fucking pathetically poor as I am right now because I do for others that can't see fit to return the favour past their own selfish ambitions. That's over, fuckin done with. It has to be about me now, it has to be about him, this is the end game, there isn't a choice. When It comes to my kid and what he needs I can be an unrelenting prick to everyone and it's not about money, it's not about time, while I have the luxury of neither if those right now, I'm not sitting on my laurels just fucking waiting either, it's a time to move forward even if I have to ruffle some feathers and kick down a few doors along the way, the nice and polite version was never exactly my strong point anyways, I'm better at being the loud, intimidating one, and right now that's exactly what is needed. People need to hear my voice and ASAP, because more than that they need to hear his voice, not his mothers.
Current Mood: Annoyed.
Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.
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