I am a ghost to you. I no longer exist as far as you are concerned. That's the way it is. That's the only way it is. I have no choice but to fade away for the moment. That's the reality of my life now. I have no patience for the world anymore and there is no place for me in this universe until I find myself again.
The fact that more and more I'm looking to the past and the only really good memories that I have in my life alone come from a place so far removed from here it's almost like another life... Well it was a lifetime ago... So maybe, just maybe when the time is right, it's fucking time to be looking back in that direction. I was always happiest in that moment and maybe I should be seriously fucking considering it. There is no history compared to the weight of the world I constantly endure here and it's a possibility that actually makes sense. Maybe I never should have left. If I was to eventually return it would bring things full circle in my life.. The only thing missing is the thing I've already lost. If I sacrifice it even more for personal happiness so be it. I'd rather be lost there than lost and alone with no direction here.
Besides up there I have unfinished business that no one can fucking ever stop me from attending to. A sacrifice that never ever should have been fucking made. But of course I did. For all the right reasons at the time. I don't and will never regret the decision I made to be a father and make those memories, but those memories are almost a decade in the past now. I need to make choices for me.. So I'll still be here when he comes around. If he comes around. Some of those choices mean being fucking elsewhere for my mental health if at all for any other real reason. This city is just corrupted and full of darkness and it's what it has made me. I've always had options. It's damn fucking time I acted on some of them. I'd rather know that I'm in a better place mentally than being dark and broken in a place I fucking hate.
Sometimes walking away is the smartest thing you can ever do. And I've gotten to a time and place in my life where I don't see the point in staying miserable angry and alone. There are other worlds than these. It's time within the next two years that I start exploring those options rather than waiting for the word to change while I stand still railing against the fucking thing. I've always known that Hamilton was a stop gap stay over on my life, yet this last time I've been here eleven fucking years. Years of heartache and pain. And anger. When there is nothing left. I ask myself why am I still here. I stood tall, I stood as a fucking man against the approaching storm as long as I fucking could.
I stayed strong and fought and lost my battles as long as I fucking could... A battle that was the end result of me having to move back here in the first place. The battles are all done now. The options remain. I need to consider them right now. I can't spend the rest of my life standing fucking still. I'm not built that way. I have things left to do in my life and a handful of untainted dreams that are left to be fulfilled. It's possibly time to act upon them. I need to go back to a word where I am something instead of this bitter nothingness where all I see myself as is a hollow fucking shell, I can no longer live like this. Without purpose.
It's time to fix everything that I am as much as I can while I still have some fucking time left. Every day above ground is a gift.. And when I look back I realize that I have wasted some parts of my life.. The fact that in all reality I am a ghost to some of those that in this life I have sacrificed the most for... Well maybe that's aright... Maybe it's time to disappear for good and be a ghost in the real world.. It's going to be a slow process and an even harder decision but it's one I will eventually be able to make for my own well being.. I won't set a fucking timeline on it.. But I know where in my heart and mind I am best left to my own fucking devices and maybe just maybe it's time to seriously consider that as a fucking option for the rest of my life. Wherever I end up past this next life move will be the last fucking one. I need stability and normalcy in my life.. That's something I haven't had since university.
I don't often look back but maybe sometimes it's best too. The only good things in my fractured memory all lead to one place. The only true place I call home. Maybe it's time to go back to it and leave all this bullshit behind me. This city is a vampire and it's taken it's last ounce of flesh from me.. I refuse to give it any more. This city and this region have taken more from me than you will ever know. The only remaining blood ties that are important to me are the only reason I'm still here and i am at a point where I am wondering for just how long I will remain. You can't stay in a place that causes misery forever. It will destroy you. I'm already destroyed. I need to go somewhere else and start fresh. Start over. No longer feel like a ghost in my shell.
I am a lot darker than I need to be and I completely fucking understand that the world has made me this way. I'm angry and full of hate and everything up to this point that had happened has led to this exact moment and my personality change. The only difference being the driving forces in my life, the fights and the battles are done. I've tried to make peace but the fact is the biggest battle I'm having now is in my own mind.
It's karma and it's fitting that the place I grew up in and called home here is being demolished soon. One last tie to this city gone. The place I truly called home is soon to be a pile of fucking rubble. One last tie to my history dead and gone. Good riddance, when I leave and I will there will be no trace of me ever again.. I did it once when it made perfect fucking sense.. Now I need to do it again when nothing in my life makes any sense at all. I am a ghost I won't be remembered. I'm ok with that.
Those that I sacrificed and lost things for have already forgotten me.. What the fuck is the point of continuing to give a damn about anyone or anything when they don't give a shit about themselves and their pathetic little lives... Looking back I defended the wrong people and got marked by my relationships... The worse part is I suspect a lot of my hell was due to the fact that it looked like I was happy with a little family, and while it was merely a fucking illusion.. Someone's jealousy was too much to bother with and her anger over it destroyed many relationships. That being said.. There's a possibility I was the wrong person for making her think that. I may have triggered her jealousy. The fact that whatever the hell I was attempting there may have created the last 8 years of hell for me will always be a question in my mind. The fact that someone has always been a drain on me since childhood and I'm only useful when I'm needed for something? That's poison and I've lost track of how many times I've walked away... It's never stuck tho.. But now... It has to.. Childhood friend or not, you're not there in my darkest hours.. And not for the first time.. Yet in you're darkest place I was there for you.. I'm glad we have grown distant agian.. It shows you're true character or lack of one. I hope I don't even fucking qualify as a memory, because soon I won't even be one of those.
Everything decays and everything rots. I have good friends and loved ones even after all this.. I don't need the fruit of a poisoned tree. It's clear how important to many I am not so fuck them. It's time to focus on those that I am important to, but more importantly to myself. If I fade away agian into nothingness I know who won't be there to mourn. I already know who I didn't matter to anyways.
If I scare people... That's fine too.. I'd always rather be feared than loved.. Either way you will respect me and that's all I want. Actually I don't even want that. I just want to be respected enough to be left the fuck alone. I don't want to be remembered. I want to live my life and be gone. Enough people have forgotten about me anyways. I'd rather be a distant fucking legend or a myth than be something that no longer matters in someone's life.. And for far too long for those I've bothered to stick around for.. I've been taken for granted. You'll have to excuse me if I no longer give a fuck about you, when it's clear that you never gave a fuck about me.
I've already left so many pieces of my soul behind, it's clear that the parts that remain belong to me and only to fucking me.. No one else can have them. Anyone that chooses to be with me or by my side at this point has seen the darkest side of my nature and the anger that remains. I am broken and nothing in this world is going to fix the damage inside. Maybe I just need to find someone as damaged as me, just without any hurtful history and I can be a little bit more whole. There are no delusions of grandeur that this might happen, but it sure fucking beats being alone with all the demons in my head. The demons that might come out winning...
My life causes despair and pain to those involved in it, so It's time to limit my involvement with some that have formerly been a part of my life.. If that makes me mean or a villain or dark and angry, so be it. I'd rather be an outlaw and an outsider with no ties that might affect someone anyways. Not playing by the rules means that I've never had to hurt anyone.. And if it's the rules that cause those I love pain.. Gladly I'll walk away. I'll disappear without a seconds thought rather than cause anyone pain.
It's fitting that all the women in my life simply become a memory. Everyone really in my life becomes a memory, even the ones I fought hardest for. I'm no longer willing to fight for myself... But it's a lot easier to simply become someone I used to be when I first struck out on my own, a man with no name, a man with no past. No attachments, no relationships, no commitments or emotions to drag me down to a place I no longer want to be. Many of those I did care for have faded away to nothingness and/or died... Sometimes it's worth considering that I should do the same.. Will it bring me sanity? I doubt it, but it beats standing still and living in yesterday. I don't have time for that and the fucking people that live there.
I was a violent child and I've grown into an even more violent adult. I don't lack in killer instinct,I just hide it well. It helps me survive... Defence mechanism, If the monster ever ends up released the universe will have something to fear. I'm sick of wars, I'm sick of fighting... I'm sick of a lot of things.. it's time to look into the options i have left.. and do what's right for me, for my sanity, for my mind.. for my well being.. not for anyone else.. and if anyone has an issue with that. Fuck them. I'm done caring about people who are never there anyways. only those that have my back I respect and I have to do what is best for my mental health and the rest of my life.. not what anyone expects. i'm done, I have fought my wars and lost.. my battle is Done.. it's time to make myself as happy as i can be from now on.. even tho I suspect that part of me will still find the ultimate choices I make miserable. whatever, I can live with that. I fought for far too long and for far too hard to ever have any regrets.. I can fade away and go back to a life I once knew eventually with no regrets, and No fear.
Go then, there are other worlds than these.
Current Mood: Depressed.
I quit because I'd had a belly-full of killing. But then, I'd rather be a killer than a victim
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