I was home. This is the place I became a father and the place I first truly had Independence in my life. The first place where the shadows of the past did not follow. There are people that love me here unconditionally and would ride and die and never stab me in the back. It's become evident that Hamilton is never going to be part of the long term game plan... I've always had options... Now I've confirmed some. It's time to.make this decision in the next year. I know one thing..when not if it's made... There is not going to be any going back. I call this place home... If I leave everything from the past 15 years behind..... It will be left behind. There is only one thing that ties me to Central Ontario. And while I will always stand up and be there for him.. I have to do the things that are important for my mental health and happiness. I can't live being miserable anymore.. and I'm not anymore.. not when I'm here. I don't know if that makes sense anymore.. but I'm almost a different person when I'm here... I think part of that.. is this.. is the last place., I had hope... The last place I felt I had a future. Coming back home it seems that I still do.. more than. I ever would have imagined. I don't know if I'm willing to ever throw that away agian.. I will move the chess pieces slowly this time and a lot of thought is being placed into the entire desicion. But I've lived my life for the most part without regret... And the few I do have most of them start with the unfinished business here. Maybe it's time to focus on that and focus on me and focus on what I want I'm this life.. the things I can affect change with. The things that are important. I'm so sick of being broken.. and being here I'm still broken and hurting... But it's a less of an open wound right now... Maybe once agian.. if I come home.. I can fucking heal.. and I need that.
Things change. This place has changed a little. I'm not the same man I was when I left. But it's still home it's still the place I want to be. And now more than ever it's the place I want to be. Im not jaded up here. I'm not angry. It's not a constant state of emotional turmoil here. I need to go back to that. For the first time in over a year and a half I am not angry. That is probably the most important thing I am feeling right now.
Everything's changed, including me... But in a lot of ways everything here is the same.. it's only minor cosmetic changes. There's a reason I have always called Windsor home.. and I wasn't raised here. But I became the man I wanted to be and I grew up here. I regret leaving. I had reasons to and I regret nothing... Even the consequences of fighting my personal war for so fucking long... But that battle is done. What I do now I do for myself. My choices. I leave pieces of myself everywhere I go... In the people I love... In the things I do... Here. In this city.. some of those pieces I left behind are coming back to me in new and interesting ways. There's a lot going on with it. But this broken soul of mine is starting to mend....it's probably a pipe dream but I want to come home. But I'm focused upon it.
There is a permanence here... Something I've only known here, I've never had anywhere else. I still feel it now and it's time to go back to that. I've stayed far to long in a place due to circumstance and not by choice. There is an option and an endgame here. When. Not if I come home .. I have a future here... I don't think I have that anywhere else. I'd rather be happy in my life than miserable and the last place I was independently happy was here. All the things I took for granted are almost new to me here. The river. The bars. The people. My busking spot downtown. I needed this.. I need this. I need to be here. This is and always has been home. And no one else made it that way.. I did. It's time to return, it's no longer a question of if. It's a question of when... That's still fucking complicated... And getting less complicated by the day.. but there are reasons I need to still figure shit out. But I am fucking happy with however it turns out at this point. I hold no illusions and I expect no drama when I make my choice... Because my next choice is forever and I won't be looking or turning back. That much I already know.. everything in my back pages will remain there.. when and if I come home.. it will be permanently.. it will be a brand new start.
I am taking stock of my life and what I have and what I don't need in my life. A lot of things and people have been dismissed and forgotten. That's not going to change...I've made mistakes in this life and I am not running away from anything I've done or been responsible for... I'm just making an eventual choice for my mental health. I'm marked in Hamilton I always have been. I need to be somewhere else. Somewhere that brings me peace.
There is frustration here.. but it's about unfinished business and things I haven't done because I placed my life on hold to do the right thing. But, there is no anger. There is just the person I used to be.. a man who actually was at peace with the world. A man I very much want to become agian.
This little bit of normality I've had this last week has meant everything to me...and the fact that I may have a space returning for my black heart for something I thought I had moved on from permanently for the rest of my life... It's going to be interesting for the next little while.
It's the simpler things in my life that I had forgotten... A beer and a smoke on the porch talking to a good freind and/or a woman that has every part of my heart right now. Actually playing my guitar for fun rather than simple survival... These are things I miss.. these are things I cannot do without... And hopefully soon I won't have to.
Current Mood: Happy.
Current Music: Kim Mitchell, Go for a Soda. (tbh i'd rather have a beer.. it's too hot for pop. and i don't want it in my diet as much anymore.)
My running days are over. This is where it ends for me
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