Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

This is how it has always been with me. Give me something good, I’ll destroy it. Love me, I’ll destroy you. I have never felt deserving of anything in my life. I've got only a few bridges left to fucking burn. And the way I'm being treated maybe it's time to let them fucking burn. I am too old and beyond patience to deal with this shit anymore. Esp in whatever the hell this box I call home is. I hate feeling fucking trapped and broken. I am demolished and broken. If I'm going to be treated as less than nothing I will not be here anymore. That's not in question. The thing that sucks is that it is someone I do love and trust with everything, but mentally I do think it's safest that I walk away and find something else. Some of the others whose bridges are burning.. I'm more than fucking willing to pour gasoline on... There's only one relationship here I give a damn about and if that becomes conflict I think that I don't want to lose it no matter how d

No matter what I do, I'll come to the same end…termination. I'm going to have fucking adventures and hang out with the ones I love... I am busy making decisions and changes to my life that not everyone is agreeing with. but guess what that's not my fucking problem not anymore.. I have nothing left to prove to anyone anymore. your'e either in my life unconditionally or you aren't. I'm not taking anymore abuse or intimidation from anyone... If i'm feeling like I'm being taken advantage of I will walk away.. I have enough confusing shit in my head and I don't need anyone else else living there with me.. I finally found something that I think is fucking real and I'm trying my best to grab onto it and hold it and live a simple fucking life where some days i don't feel as broken as I always have been.. and she's a big fucking part of that I will make a decision sooner than fucking later and those that are going to be making me feel less than

One life is all we have and we live it as we believe in living it. But to sacrifice what you are and to live without belief, that is a fate more terrible than dying. ― Joan of Arc I do epic things.. alone, with my freinds or with my partner.. and i will continue to always have adventures and experiences.. that's a part of me that will never change.. a normal life is boring. even in my darkest places I've seen and done things that were more interesting and cool than other people will do in a lifetime. My life isn't Normal, why should the things i say and do be any different.. at this point in my life it's not about having things it's about doing things and it's about being with the people I love that are still here.. so many have fallen away i'm going to hold tight to the ones that are left and hold them close and for some have epic adventures that i will be able to talk and joke about for the rest of my life. Thats where i am right now, now that's

No matter where you go, no matter how far you run, you can't run away from yourself. Seriously, how many times can a person break before the only things left are shattered fragments too small to piece back together? I am fucking sick of this city and the fact as a fucking white male that getting services for my mental and physical health is a fucking joke... do i have to go fucking postal on someone to get the attention to my mental health needs that i fucking need? 26 years of not dealing with these people and every fucking second of it i had a damn good reason. i'm pretty sure the reality of my situation is that i have to move on to successfully get any help or services i need.. because the brick walls placed in front of me here are just another system of control. i rejected their help for so fucking long, they have come to the conclusion that i'm not worthy of any help now.. why the hell would i trust any institution esp the one that is probably more than a little f