I'm going to have fucking adventures and hang out with the ones I love... I am busy making decisions and changes to my life that not everyone is agreeing with. but guess what that's not my fucking problem not anymore.. I have nothing left to prove to anyone anymore. your'e either in my life unconditionally or you aren't. I'm not taking anymore abuse or intimidation from anyone... If i'm feeling like I'm being taken advantage of I will walk away.. I have enough confusing shit in my head and I don't need anyone else else living there with me.. I finally found something that I think is fucking real and I'm trying my best to grab onto it and hold it and live a simple fucking life where some days i don't feel as broken as I always have been.. and she's a big fucking part of that I will make a decision sooner than fucking later and those that are going to be making me feel less than Happy and Less than I am are going to be swept aside.. I don't have time anymore for anyone that's going to yell at me or make me feel threatened.. I'm plenty scary myself and I won't fucking back down from anyone.. but when tensions and emotions start to fucking strain.. It's time to find new fucking options for the rest of my life.. Hamilton is never going to be part of the long term plan.. Some people don't understand or realize that.. or they have other reasons for creating Drama.. Guess what.. I push back.. I spent a season in a fucking cage.. I am never going back. I want to do things.. I want to do those things With someone I care about and Love... and With people I care about.. but I'm not going to keep having to worry about everything else and be constantly watching my back either. sometimes space is a good thing from the people that I love and will always love unconditionally... even If i feel that they don't love me.. note the fact their is a reason i haven't called home recently.. and I'm not planning to either.. Maybe some people are healthier without me in their life.. I am starting to realize that with my current situation... I need to make plans... being surrounded by memories that I hate is not a good fucking scene for me... I'm not going to live in a box the rest of my fucking life and constantly struggle....nothing has fucking changed since March...
I really wanted this post to be fucking happy.. I had a great time at the concerts and taking my new lady to the falls and showing her all the fucking things that matter to me.. even the dark spots like the place i grew up.. but more than anything I know when that physical tie to my beginnings is gone and turned into condos there is nothing left for me here. I left here before for over fifteen years and I've spent just over the last decade here and watched everything I had built up turned into shit. eleven fucking years... I've had enough... I'm Sick of being fucking broken.. I'm sick of being Here..and if you can't understand how trapped i fucking feel in this moment.. you shouldn't be in my fucking my life not trying to guilt me into staying.. It's not about the Girl.. It's not about finances... it's about me and not always looking over my back fearful of the next moment. I am happier when i'm away from this fucking city and i don't care about petty shit and drama.. there's a reason i am seriously downsizing some of the crap i have acquired and am soon going to do the same with the stuff in storage.. I want to enjoy my life not have a million things that entertained me for a moment.. I'd rather have memories. I'd rather be Me and happy with whoever I am in this fucking life.
the memory I made with my buddy and my girl is more important to me than anything i could have fucking owned at any moment and that's a fucking fact. the fact that i made several memories with her and am planning to celebrate my birthday and make more memories in the next few weeks doing things I've always wanted to do and never had the drive to or the right person or moment to do them in.. plus make some amazing memories with people i care about... that's what is important to me now.. not belongings, not drama, Not anyones petty jealousy's... guess what i become an inconvenience I move the fuck on and leave you in the dust... and there are very few I'm willing to sit there and fight for anymore.. I'm not fighting for my son.. I'm not going to fight for relationships that aren't there completely anymore. accept me as I am or move the fuck on. I don't need dram in this stage of my life.
I am fucking shattered mentally at this stage of my life, the little things that fucking help are the ones that I am going to fucking hang on to. the experiences and the people I choose to surround myself with. you're in my life for a fucking reason. or you aren't. there is No middle ground anymore. I don't have patience for bullshit or drama. My prison is my own mind and I can't escape from it.. anyone that drags me down into their muddy waters is going to be move past from.. I know for a fact i'm headed for self destruction... it's only a matter of time until something or myself destroys me so I'm going to fucking enjoy my life until that moment happens... It's better to Burn out than fade away.. and trust me, I'm a fucking superstar I don't plan on fucking fading away, but i should not feel like I'm burning out either when I'm trying to heal and rebuild the little bit that's left in my life.. but as long as things are fucking status quo I don't feel like that is ever going to fucking happen. I need to Move on.. there are too many memories here and too much negativity here and everyone around me that's been affected, is still going to be affected.
the only thing that's pure in my life that is in my life right now is my new relationship, everything else is tainted by miles and miles and years of darkness, and I need to escape that,i'm going to happy... even if it kills me. I don't want to be angry or miserable anymore. The demons are quieter when I'm around her.
Current Mood: Angry, Depressed.
Current Music: Testament - Disciples Of The Watch
Sometimes we want what we want even if we know it’s going to kill us
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