I've got only a few bridges left to fucking burn. And the way I'm being treated maybe it's time to let them fucking burn. I am too old and beyond patience to deal with this shit anymore. Esp in whatever the hell this box I call home is. I hate feeling fucking trapped and broken. I am demolished and broken. If I'm going to be treated as less than nothing I will not be here anymore. That's not in question. The thing that sucks is that it is someone I do love and trust with everything, but mentally I do think it's safest that I walk away and find something else. Some of the others whose bridges are burning.. I'm more than fucking willing to pour gasoline on... There's only one relationship here I give a damn about and if that becomes conflict I think that I don't want to lose it no matter how damaged it might become... I can't deal with arguments 48 hours after returning home over minor things... There is a reason I leave and try to find peace elsewhere. I'm not finding it here. I don't think I will ever know peace here in this city agian and to stumble along trying to fucking find it is a mistake.
I am sick of my mental health deteriorating while I'm trying to fucking help others while taking shit from them. I don't need anyone in my fucking life that doesn't understand how truly fucking broken I am. Just because I stay silent and patient doesn't mean I do not have a million monsters inside my head all begging to be let out and released. I like to fight. I like to destroy things. I just don't want to do it to someone I love and who has had my back for a very long time. But I'm sick of bring broken and feeling trapped and as long as I'm fucking here I think that will always be the current fucking status quo. No wonder the alcoholism has returned in a big way. Might as well start with a little self destruction. At least that way the attention and the pain are both numbed. If finding myself agian means walking away from everyone. So be it. I'm done. I've walked away from everyone and everything that mattered before. It's not a fucking problem for me to so agian. No matter how much it hurts. I'd rather die alone if it comes down to that. At least no one else will end up fucking damaged.
I'm poison for those I love.. and anyone that chooses to love me is an idiot. I've learned to live with that. It's easier to burn the bridge and walk away... I don't care anymore. If I'm going to be hated for my decisions I'm way more comfortable with it being out in the open than being resented silently and living with that monster in the room.
I think about killing myself at least once a day and the fact the only reason I am still here is because of three reasons... 1. My belief system about suicide being for cowards. 2. That little boy in St. Catherine's that has enough on his plate as it is.. I will not have his father's death by his own hand added to his misery... If it comes down to it.. I can have nothing and not want to live anymore, I'll continue to live for him.. no matter what. 3. I know that there are freinds and family that care about me and would miss me if I was gone. But that number is dwindling and I am starting to make fucking choices to change my life for the better..I'm doing things for me, not for anyone else.
If you've abandoned me, you no longer get a chance to fucking judge me in Any form. I'm not looking back and I'm sick of trying to be something, anything for anyone at this point of my fucking life. I'm doing what is right for me and what makes me happy. The moment you walked away is the moment you no longer had any fucking input on my life. I'm done. I have to fix me, I'm not going to fucking fix me for someone else.
Mentally I am falling apart and broken and I can no longer feel this connection to my past so strongly in every breathe that I take in this city. Someone will die. It's not likely to be me.. but there is another victim I have in mind... The fact I have to share a city with him let alone the air I fucking breathe every day... The only he reason he is still breathing is the fact that I cannot betray my son in that manner by killing someone... He already has enough blood and pain running thru both bloodlines. That and the fact I am never going back to prison. I'll die first. Suicide by cop. I have no doubts I will end up with an end in flames.. I'm pretty sure I'm hurtling towards it faster and faster every day. I'm a prisoner of my environment and I need to fucking escape it. I escaped it once. I will escape it agian. It's beyond time to move on. I had an option once. Now I'm going to make that option happen agian. Alone on my own fucking terms. I have to.
Other than a select few I no longer give a shit about anyone thinks of me... I'm going to go my own way... I have nothing. That has been the story of my fucking life. At this point I stay away because it's safest for all involved. But I make my own fucking choices due to the fact that I have to... Not because I want to. But I am very soon making some decisions for myself. Not for anyone else. Not for her, not for family. I will lie in the hole I have dug for myself and rot. I need my sanity back. I can't fucking find that here. I never will agian.
I am not going to live in this never ending cycle of poverty and self destruction. I will walk away from everything and everyone I know just to find happiness and be a lot less broken. I grew up in shit that was no fault of my own and it has always followed me, every moment of my life. Save one. It doesn't matter anymore what I do. I'd rather be happy in misery and be broken with someone who loves me than wait for people in life to come back to me. I'm going to live my fucking life. I'm going to be me. That's all I have left. If it means I have to abandon those that aren't there anyways. So fucking be it. I'm done.
I'm sick of being broken and betrayed by everyone and everything I love. I doubt everything and everyone.. for good reason. These are the fucking things life has taught me. I have to question everything to keep myself sane. Even if it makes me fucking paranoid.
I still have fucking options. I've been sitting here for a year trying to decide my next step and to be honest it could be just as easy to fuck off to Calgary to live with one of my closest friends as it is to move to Windsor or elsewhere. The only place I don't want to live anymore is alone with my fucking demons. As long as I'm with someone who quiets them I'm probably going to pretend that the world no longer exists. Let them hate me.. it's not like it's any fucking kind of new emotion to me... I'm used to being fucking hated. The only difference now... Is I'm willing to hate back.
I'm sick of feeling like a prisoner in the place I live. As I am so fucking often reminded and yelled at... I do have options.. maybe not as much as I thought I did before.. but I still have fucking options.. and as much as I feel a loyalty to someone.. I can and will walk away. That's no longer in question. I need to figure out things for me.. and when I become a crutch for someone else.. and an emotional punching bag... I'm fucking done. There is nothing keeping me here and everything that makes me want to run away.. from everything.. from everyone. I just want to be done. I want to stop hurting. Right now only one thing does that... But even that I expect to be gone one day. Everything leaves.. everything burns... Leaving me as a cinder.
I'm sick of not having happy moments and having people's petty jealousies and agendas ruining whatever happiness I hope to attain.... I need to make my world about me now. Not about freinds. Not about family. Not about those that ignore me. Not about her. Not even about him. I'm just sick of having nothing and bring nothing. It's time to move the fuck on and be done with it all. The longer I stay here the harder it will be harder to survive or even want to survive. I need to be done with this shit.
Current Mood: Depressed.
Like so many other kids gone wrong from my time, place, and class, I thought it glamorous to be self-destructive. Unfortunately, I had also always known that this was a stupid and callow way to think.
I understood myself only after I destroyed myself. And only in the process of fixing myself, did I know who I really was.
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