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A Passed Life...


Once agian, I am sitting here waiting for my life to resume. This was a lot easier in prison because at least then I had a set date to look forward to the day my life would fucking resume and be the clusterfuck it currently is... I don't know my next step because I'm waiting for this damn virus to be over. I have choices and I have decisions to make... And all I am seeing lately is that there is a distinct possibility I will end up going somewhere in the wrong direction. Left alone with my thoughts I end up going to dark roads in the past that comfort me, and while I know all that is back there is darkness and pain, I also know that in my dark places there is nothing to fear.. and I can safely hide inside my mind until the next evolution... But I am feeling nostalgic for someone who didn't care half as much as I do now and had absolutely nothing to fucking lose...

...A passed life.

It's not the one I have now, it's not the one I want. But I could be comfortable being something I once was and no longer have any intentions of being.... The anger and darkness I used to clothe myself only now usually comes out for show... But I am giving serious consideration to making it a daily occurence once again. It will send a message.

I am once again at a point in my life where I know that I am moving forward but I'm not 100 percent sure exactly where that fucking direction is taking me. 

We are now past the moment because of this goddamn black plague where I have been inside for the most part longer than I was inside the correctional system. It's really opening my eyes how little I am needed or valued by those that claim to be close to me. I just need to decide how much longer I am willing to be a faded memory or old Glory before I make a change and am forgotten completely.

I am considering making broad and sweeping changes to my life instead of falling into the same.old black chasm of nothingness, brokenness and  despair. I have maybe 30 good years left on this ball of rock... I want to enjoy them for me and not keep trying to aspire to someone else's flawed vision of what I should fucking be.  My world is my own and I tried to do everything right, maybe it's fucking time to do everything wrong... Maybe it's time to be selfish and do things for me.

I will turn dark and I will turn on everyone I have ever known. It's not the first time I've had a scorched earth policy and moved on with you or anyone in my life that ever mattered. Some of the easiest moments in my life are the ones when I fucking disappeared and never looked back on anything... I don't look back. If I am evil, then let me be evil... I don't want to affect anyone that I supposedly cared about. My absence and my silence will speak to the need you supposely have for me. It's non existent.

Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: Fozzy, Dark Passenger

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