Skip to main content

Lockdown Blues...


I had a set path, even after all this shit I thought I knew where the hell I was going with the rest of my life. Between the stuff going on my head and in my life and this goddamn pandemic I don't know anymore. I will have been inside longer than I was last winter after this month and its playing on my fucking mind. I'm torn in so many fucking directions right now and so many other people's fucking interests and never mine. that's always been my life.. what's good for other people and never my own. I'm always an afterthought or a fucking expectation that I can't live up to.

I'm gonna do my own fucking thing and make my own fucking choices always. I hate being on pause because the world has stopped. I'm trying to improve my life so I have a fucking future instead of constantly just adding chapter to a past filled of broken memories. I don't fucking look back because there's nothing there. And I don't just burn bridges... I drive the fucking truck filled with gasoline right into the foundation. I don't miss people when there gone but it's sad right now that I am watching people fade away right in front of my eyes and when this fucking pandemic is over, I'll be honest I don't know who will be standing by my side. So many people have already fallen away and those I thought closest to me are starting to do the same. I'm used to it. I always knew I'd end up fucking alone and broken. Maybe it's better that way

That way no else gets damaged, that way no one else is affected. Misery follows me every damn day of my life.. I get reminded of that fact constantly. So I might as well fucking embrace it right back.

I'm not moving forward. I am standing still and I am at the same place I was decades ago. Waiting for the world to come crashing down upon me and end. It's inevitable. One day I'll stop fighting and pretending that the fighting makes a difference to my reality and accept that it fucking won't. It's not the way I'm made
It's not the way I function, but one day, maybe soon Ill just fade away and be forgotten. Seems like the best course of action. I'd rather be a memory than be a cancer in everyone else's lives...

...I've had enough of those in my life over the years. The world will move on without me. It always has.

Current Mood: Depressed
Current Music: Motley Crue, You're All I Need

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Laugh Track.

  I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you.  I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when.  Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Bad Man.

I am not a good man, I tell people straight out that I’m not a good person. I know I’m toxic. But I embrace being the villain and being the bad guy. Being feared is better than being loved because at least that way you respect me. When it comes to someone I care about and have a responsibility to, I will always choose them over others fucking bullshit and drama. This isn’t a choice. This is my life. Period. I live it every damn day. I’m not Making any other choices. I will always choose those that I care about over people that are merely in orbit in my life and if you give me a reason to fucking doubt you? I will give u a reason to fucking fear me.  I’m just fed up, my world doesn’t need complications. My peace and my piece of mind doesn’t need complications. I have enough of those I struggle against in my personal life. This is the end game, and the end times. I deserve to be fucking happy. No one is getting in the fucking way of that. Period. 
Post a Comment
Read more

Return To The Abyss.

If anyone thinks they can take advantage of me and the people I care about, they are sadly mistaken. I walk away from people I love because of their bullshit. Someone who is merely there in my life? Yeah, I’m fucking out. I don’t need emotional vampires that suck me dry in my life. I will walk away from anything and everything at this point. I no longer give a damn about anything other than myself when it comes to your opinion.  This decision and many others have been a long fucking time coming and to be honest I’m better off doing my own thing alone and solo. Because it’s better off for all involved. There’s still a temper and there is still the old me hidden underneath this attempt at seeking peace. I’m not a nice guy, I’ve never claimed to be a nice guy. And I’m not keeping my fucking mouth shut.  No one fucking uses me, Period. And thats all I’ve felt I’ve been over the last few years. By a number of people in my professional life and my personal life. So maybe at this mom...
Post a Comment
Read more