Skip to main content

Lockdown Blues...


I had a set path, even after all this shit I thought I knew where the hell I was going with the rest of my life. Between the stuff going on my head and in my life and this goddamn pandemic I don't know anymore. I will have been inside longer than I was last winter after this month and its playing on my fucking mind. I'm torn in so many fucking directions right now and so many other people's fucking interests and never mine. that's always been my life.. what's good for other people and never my own. I'm always an afterthought or a fucking expectation that I can't live up to.

I'm gonna do my own fucking thing and make my own fucking choices always. I hate being on pause because the world has stopped. I'm trying to improve my life so I have a fucking future instead of constantly just adding chapter to a past filled of broken memories. I don't fucking look back because there's nothing there. And I don't just burn bridges... I drive the fucking truck filled with gasoline right into the foundation. I don't miss people when there gone but it's sad right now that I am watching people fade away right in front of my eyes and when this fucking pandemic is over, I'll be honest I don't know who will be standing by my side. So many people have already fallen away and those I thought closest to me are starting to do the same. I'm used to it. I always knew I'd end up fucking alone and broken. Maybe it's better that way

That way no else gets damaged, that way no one else is affected. Misery follows me every damn day of my life.. I get reminded of that fact constantly. So I might as well fucking embrace it right back.

I'm not moving forward. I am standing still and I am at the same place I was decades ago. Waiting for the world to come crashing down upon me and end. It's inevitable. One day I'll stop fighting and pretending that the fighting makes a difference to my reality and accept that it fucking won't. It's not the way I'm made
It's not the way I function, but one day, maybe soon Ill just fade away and be forgotten. Seems like the best course of action. I'd rather be a memory than be a cancer in everyone else's lives...

...I've had enough of those in my life over the years. The world will move on without me. It always has.

Current Mood: Depressed
Current Music: Motley Crue, You're All I Need

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

Bad Man.

I am not a good man, I tell people straight out that I’m not a good person. I know I’m toxic. But I embrace being the villain and being the bad guy. Being feared is better than being loved because at least that way you respect me. When it comes to someone I care about and have a responsibility to, I will always choose them over others fucking bullshit and drama. This isn’t a choice. This is my life. Period. I live it every damn day. I’m not Making any other choices. I will always choose those that I care about over people that are merely in orbit in my life and if you give me a reason to fucking doubt you? I will give u a reason to fucking fear me.  I’m just fed up, my world doesn’t need complications. My peace and my piece of mind doesn’t need complications. I have enough of those I struggle against in my personal life. This is the end game, and the end times. I deserve to be fucking happy. No one is getting in the fucking way of that. Period. 
Post a Comment
Read more

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind.  I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine.  I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy.  I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...
Post a Comment
Read more