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Lockdown Blues...


I had a set path, even after all this shit I thought I knew where the hell I was going with the rest of my life. Between the stuff going on my head and in my life and this goddamn pandemic I don't know anymore. I will have been inside longer than I was last winter after this month and its playing on my fucking mind. I'm torn in so many fucking directions right now and so many other people's fucking interests and never mine. that's always been my life.. what's good for other people and never my own. I'm always an afterthought or a fucking expectation that I can't live up to.

I'm gonna do my own fucking thing and make my own fucking choices always. I hate being on pause because the world has stopped. I'm trying to improve my life so I have a fucking future instead of constantly just adding chapter to a past filled of broken memories. I don't fucking look back because there's nothing there. And I don't just burn bridges... I drive the fucking truck filled with gasoline right into the foundation. I don't miss people when there gone but it's sad right now that I am watching people fade away right in front of my eyes and when this fucking pandemic is over, I'll be honest I don't know who will be standing by my side. So many people have already fallen away and those I thought closest to me are starting to do the same. I'm used to it. I always knew I'd end up fucking alone and broken. Maybe it's better that way

That way no else gets damaged, that way no one else is affected. Misery follows me every damn day of my life.. I get reminded of that fact constantly. So I might as well fucking embrace it right back.

I'm not moving forward. I am standing still and I am at the same place I was decades ago. Waiting for the world to come crashing down upon me and end. It's inevitable. One day I'll stop fighting and pretending that the fighting makes a difference to my reality and accept that it fucking won't. It's not the way I'm made
It's not the way I function, but one day, maybe soon Ill just fade away and be forgotten. Seems like the best course of action. I'd rather be a memory than be a cancer in everyone else's lives...

...I've had enough of those in my life over the years. The world will move on without me. It always has.

Current Mood: Depressed
Current Music: Motley Crue, You're All I Need

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