Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

You know the only reason I haven't opened up my wrists because of the way you have treated me and destroyed my life to control you're destiny is because I know it would hurt you too fucking much. I mean I stayed 45 fucking minutes down the highway so you would have a sense of security, even though it would be better for me to be thousands of fucking miles away starting a new life. I expect to live hard and die with a violent demise. You're my only hope that. Doesn't happen. But I'm pretty sure it's going to you. I'm empty without you. I always have been. I'd rather die alone than be with anyone else. I wish you could understand that. I'll always be here. It's supposed to be you, me and him against the world. Not you and I in constant battle against each other.  I stopped fighting you years ago. Now I'm fighting for you. Why don't you understand that. I'll always be here. I'll always be that constant in you're life. But I'm

Every moment brings us closer.... but it's still A battle, but I'd rather be fighting against the world with you at my side than be fighting the war with you. I'm glad we are at peace, no matter what comes. And I want a lot to. I desperately want to trust you and be happy with you, but I know my biggest issue is that it doesn't matter yet. I don't trust you. But I do know at this point I'm listening to my heart....and I am never ever fading away again. I like where we are right now.... I hope this feeling stays. And leads to better things. But I have been fooled before. But I'm starting to understand all the anger and all the resistance to the permanence. You're right, I am the constant. I'm Always going to be here. I'm always going to be the one you cling to at the end of the day. But I can't keep being here at arms length. I need to be there. I need to be with you. I can't just simply observe who and what we are. I need to come home:

it's time to decide who i want to be for the rest of my life, i dont need all these things.. im going to keep whats important and keep and do the things that are most important for me and my family. it's time to sacrifice a few thingsa because i want better in my life. thats the reality of whats important at this point. im not going to just be surrounded by all these things i never use when there is something better out there for me to have.   I'm grateful for the moment i was that guy but the reality is i'm not that guy anymore, and the reality is i never was that guy, it was just a means to an end, a way to wage war, a way to survive aginast all odds. now the tables have turned and I'm happier without all that crap. there will always be remnants of each moment of my life but at this point, it's in my rear view mirror, all the bad memories and the bad people involved in the toy crap... it's not something i want brought forward in my life. i hated a lot of

I'm trying to be patient. I'm trying to wait for you to come to me. But neither of those things are or have ever been my strong suit. I want you talking to me in every moment of my life, I want you in my arms every moment if my life. I want to know this is going to go somewhere, and it's not just a game being played. I miss you like crazy. I miss you in the in between moments now than I did the whole time you were gone. I don't have an answer for that. But I do. I'm really trying to be patient. I don't have an agenda here. Just love, where the hell thats gonna take us.... The biggest thing between us is always going to be trust, it doesn't matter how much we love each other. I need to be able to trust you agian. I can't keep going in these circles. It hurts too damn much.

I don't know what is truth or fiction with you.... and sometimes I get drawn in to you're dreamworld. I don't know if I can trust you. I want to, desperately. But it might be too far gone for that. I'm just waiting for the inevitable betrayal. We aren't children anymore. I hate this feeling of not knowing if there is an endgame here. There has to be light at the end of the tunnel.  I walked away before, because I don't want to fight. I can do it agian. I don't want to but I can. That's always an option. I do know why we fight. Sometimes it gets too close to the right feeling when one or both of us has too much emotion towards the other and instead of dealing with the sadness and drama we focus it into an argument... we've had too much of that. I'll just apologize and let you win the minor arguments now. Because I don't want to lose the major ones. Not anymore. I don't always say the right thing, and sometimes I say too much because I thin

You are missed at little things we should do as a family, movies, meals. Some more than others. I am happy. But even in all my adventures there is something missing. It's you. There's a big void that's always been there. I have a good time with my life, but there is always something missing. Something I once had. Something I am trying to get back to. But that's on you. I can't come over to you, my life doesn't reach to yours. You gotta come to me. I'm waiting. I enjoy my life and freinds without you, but there's always something missing.

I am trying to get back to the person I was when I with you, it's not just about us. I was a better person then. I was angry but I wasn't bitter. I am always going to be a warrior and a fighter but it's not the only thing that fuels me. It never was. But I appreciated the world more back then. I didn't hate it the way I do now. I need to go back to being that person. The world needs to hold Wonders for me agian. Not just anger and destruction. We've had enough of that in our lives. There is only one place I should be at this point in my life and the fact you keep coming back is evidence of that. Soulmates isn't just a word. But the clock is ticking. One more try, if we can get there. Then we will see what comes next.

I choose my life right now, i choose my epic adventures. I am not going to sit around miserable feeling sorry for myself and apologizing for the things that i have lost in this life when It was never my actions that have caused them. this year I have been Sadly reminded of how fragile things can be, and one day all you will be left with is memories. thats why im trying to create as many as i can for those I love. for all of those I love. for some I just have to keep fucking trying and for others, my inner circle i just go with the flow and do the adventures that come along, thats where I am right now. Trying to enjoy my life and enhance others life so they can see there is more than just work to living. i've always lived. I've always had adventures. Money was never a hindrendrance to that. It still isn't. there are those that are memories because they couldnt handle that fact. but im going to live my life and be surrounded by those that matter. because all that truly matter

A year ago you betrayed me for probably the last time, and I have same agenda now that I did then. I am always going to standing exactly where I am, and I'm always going to be here. But I can't say it's not tinged with degrees of bitterness and anger.  Because those things? Those things are fucking constant. We could have had a better life you and I, a better life for our child too. But you made choices... choices that didn't include me. Why do you think it hurt so fucking much last year? Sometimes I hate myself for missing you as much as I do... other times I use it as fucking fuel. That being said I don't need you in my life, I want you to be in my life when you're willing to be. I have my freinds and my family and I have a good time with them and I don't want for anything in this life. No matter where I go I will always have them. I missed my son last night but I didn't think at all about you because I was happy with my buddies. That's where thing