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Haunted.

A year ago you betrayed me for probably the last time, and I have same agenda now that I did then. I am always going to standing exactly where I am, and I'm always going to be here. But I can't say it's not tinged with degrees of bitterness and anger. 


Because those things? Those things are fucking constant. We could have had a better life you and I, a better life for our child too. But you made choices... choices that didn't include me.


Why do you think it hurt so fucking much last year?


Sometimes I hate myself for missing you as much as I do... other times I use it as fucking fuel.


That being said I don't need you in my life, I want you to be in my life when you're willing to be. I have my freinds and my family and I have a good time with them and I don't want for anything in this life. No matter where I go I will always have them. I missed my son last night but I didn't think at all about you because I was happy with my buddies. That's where things stand right now. I'm going to enjoy my life and have adventures. I have never needed you for that.


I just wanted you to be a part of them.

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  I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you.  I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when.  Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...

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Happy birthday.  Hope you are happy and enjoying yourself. I like that we are civil and communicating but i also think you need to take some introspective time and decide the next step. I want you to be happy whether or not I am a part of your life. And i am trying very hard to be. Today, this weekend. I just want to talk to you, hear you laugh..maybe even see you smile. Thats all i want. For you to enjoy your day and hear happy Birthday from me and my son. Thats all you need..to know you are loved. Happy Birthday Baby. You are always loved. No matter what. Unconditional.

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