Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

If I can't be your true love, I want to be your worst nightmare Different fucking reasons for this year being hell, I have had a hard year and i am just seeing some light at the end of the fucking tunnel.... i know one thing for the new year, that will be a change from the last 2 years. I will no longer let my heart be used as a weapon agianst me in some misguided scheme from twenty years ago. I'm not that person anymore. I fought a battle agianst you that lasted a lifetime and when i came to peace with it, you came back into my life and made it all complicated agian. now another year is ending and we are where we always are at the end of a fucking year. The only diffrence this year is I waited a fucking year to give you your ring and I was patient and I had faith that at the end of the day, despite youre mental health one day you would come back to me... I'm not so sure of that now. it's probaly games and you using my emotions as a weapon against me... but theres a fuc

I am never coming home, ever. I walked away from this place once. I will never fucking return. The fact that it has been 17 years since you kicked me out over the holidays has not been lost on me. I tried, but this was the last attempt. I am fucking done. He's an adult. No more need for you're mind games. No more need to come home. It's not like it would have fucking worked out anyways. There is simply too much time passed, that's all it is... emotions remain but our separate worlds divide us and likely Always will.  ...as much as I wish that would change. I can't come to you, my life Doesn't reach that far... it never has. You need to come to Me, and now more than ever that's going to be the fucking case.... this was the last fucking heartbreak and silent betrayal. You're good at those. Keep it fucking up. Tear that last shreds of my black heart so I become complete void of emotion. It's easier for both of us when I don't care. The difference is

You don't love me. You love the idea of me. That man died a slow death on a cross that you crucified me on in 2011. That man is dead. I'm no longer him, I haven't been that man or that boy that you loved in a very long time.  Whoever I was, I'm not him anymore. All of that is on you. But I am at peace and you don't get to ruin that or my happiness. I tried. But now I'm done.  I made peace with the circumstances because fighting my war with you only led to even more ruin for both of us. I needed it to end so we could both be safe. Now I just want to walk away and be done completely. I tried, I tried till the last complete moment. That moment has come and gone.  I have made peace with the fact I am yours forever anyways, even if you are not mine. Because you will destroy any other relationship I have had or will ever had, I can't be with anyone else. You've made that very fucking clear. I get it.  I understand. Behind this mask there is more than just fles

I was a fool to think that anything would change by my grand chess move.  I was a fool to think anything had changed between us. Today, on both accounts. You proved me right. Current Mood: Angry, Bitter. Current Music: Christmas Dreams, Trans-Siberian orchestra  (Because that's all they fucking were. Fail.)

I will never stop trying, even if it leads me to failure. Either this is the most epic thing I will ever do or the most Insane. Either way it needs to be fucking done. I no longer have a choice. I can't do another year of maybe. I was a good father. I always made this season mean something even when the two of you didn't know a thing. This may be the last year I try to do anything on the grand scale. I know I was a good husband and a good dad. You abandoned me, I never abandoned you, you can never put that guilt on me.    Every action, everything I've done good or bad... I regret none of it. I did the right thing in the moment. Just like I'm doing now... one last chance. One last maybe. But it's time, and it's the right thing. I don't know if this weekend will amount to anything. But I'm going to fucking try. After this it might few and far between however. I'm willing to try but I'm not something you can discard or continue to destroy. Or preten

I tried kid. I truly tried. I'm still trying but you're a man now, what I and you're mother do shouldn't matter. You get to make the choice to involve me in you're life now. I just hope one day you know I never stopped fighting for you, and at times for you're mother. I'll always be here when both of you need me. I'm not going anywhere. I just wish other decisions had been made and we hadn't lost all these years. Anyways, I hope you had a good day and you're gifts are here waiting. Dad is proud you're finally a man. I love you and miss you so much. Maybe one day you'll see all this.  Happy Birthday Kid. Guess I can't call you that anymore. Happy Birthday, Son.

I'm calling you're bluff. I want to see if you love him more than you hate me. You're actions this week will prove fucking everything. Our natural order is hating each other. The time for any moment of love is long past. You're most recent actions always prove this. It's logical for you to be my enemy. It's not intelligent but emotional for you to be my soulmate. It's something you will always be, but we are damaged and better on opposing sides. One of us always has to be the fucking villain. Might as well be me for the moment because one day that will change and you're cowardice will be exposed. You betrayed me, over and over again and still I forgave you. I tried to love you when every instinct was to run, every instinct still is to hate you. My feelings for you run deep and some of them run dark. And you fucking wonder why I have abandonment issues.... here's a clue. But my abandonment issues are nothing in comparison to yours. I can look at the m

I am happy, I want you in my life... but you're presence is not needed. I may need and want you, but I will live and enjoy my life with or without you. I just want You to be happy as well, with or Without me. I think you'll be happier with me but I'm done being miserable waiting for you. I have a good life, but I think we would be better together. But my life doesn't and will never reach to you... you need to come to me. I need to be Able to trust you, and that right now is sadly absent. And you create drama out of nothing moments...  ...and I am still here waiting. Still in love with you even as I stare at the ruins of my life. I've said what I need to, now I just wait. Agian