Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

  I am happy, I am doing my own things and dealing with my current responsibilities and making his life better. No matter what anyone else thinks. I wish things were different but I’m enjoying my life as things are, and I will continue to do so. I do amazing things at a drop of a dime and I can figure out how to do epic adventures or memories with just a little bit of planning. I don’t have a need for Material things anymore. I wish I could share my adventures with those who mean the most, but that’s only measured in ounces. If you are in my life, you’re in my life... ... if you want to hang out on the fringes of my life and come an go that’s on you. I’m gonna live, I’m gonna hang with the people that are in my life. And we are going to do all the cool shit. Because I don’t care about tommorow, I’m living for today and I’m living like this might be the last one, every single Day. Everything I do right now, I’m having fun and I’m less miserable and depressed than I have been in years. 

I miss you, it’s all I’m willing to give you because of my pride. There are times of the year I miss you more than most. This is one of them. But I would never back down from you either. And that’s part of the problem, we have each other no quarter and now even on Christmas, it hurts too much to find peace. I know you’ll call, you’re predictable. And I’ll always find forgiveness beneath the bitterness and anger because what beats there is still love.. it shouldn’t be, it shouldn’t exist, but it still does. One of us is still at war with the other. And we both know it isn’t me. I laid my weapons down long ago. I made peace, with or without you in my life.  I’m still at peace with you. Regardless of where we stand. But you’ll always hear an answer on that phone call. You’re promise will always be here. Always.

This is the one day of the year you get to call without anger and bitterness starting the conversation. I have forgiven you, I will never forget you. All I want to do is sit with my family for Christmas and be one for even just a moment again. I doubt that it will ever happen but I will always give you benefit of the doubt on this day.    That’s my nature. That’s who I have to be today. I can go back to being angry tommorow. Merry Christmas. You are both loved. Truce? Just for one day a year. All I need or want. I have no expectations but also there is no anger. There isn’t room for that today. It’s just Christmas. It was the last time we were together and happy. It should be the time you get you’re promise. This is the day there is no anger, no judgement, just love for the both of you. And hope that you are finding happiness in whatever you are doing.

  I won’t beg for a damn thing ever in this life. You and I both now that. As well as you know where I want to be in this moment. I want to come Home, but you’ll never see me on my knees asking a damn thing of you. That’s not my way. I’ve long since had reason to prove anything to you, and I tried harder than any mortal man, for you’re blind eyes not to see. It’s always on you’re timeline and you’re decision... but I’m done waiting. I should be home this Christmas, just like the last and the three before it. But that didn’t happen. That’s completely on you. I should have been there the last 18 christmases too. That was always you’re choice. It continues to be your choice. You are both loved. I just want to come home. Merry Christmas. I love you both.

  You look for evil in people , sooner or later you'll find it. Even when it wasn't there in the first place. I stand, even if I am standing alone. I fought my battles, I fought my wars... I am no less a man for choosing to lose them. I fought till the battle was over. Then I decided that peace and presence of mind were more important. I hang on to that scrap of truth, hoping desperately that it’s true and I just didn’t quit because I had completely lost. But I live my life like I own it, because I do. I am a king in my own mind and I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not or treat anyone as beneath me like you do. My emotions are on my sleeve, as certain as the dagger in my pocket. I won’t change the person I am to every please anyone else. Unfortunately that will probably always include you. I will always be you’re King, but I sit upon a broken throne. One you have destroyed constantly. Even forgiveness does not forget that fact. The best revenge is living well, but that

I tried this last year. That time will not soon come agian. You have a lot more to prove to me than I ever will to you. ...and now there is absolutely no reason for me to keep trying. You are no longer one singular destiny. Both of you are capable of you’re own choices. But only one has ever betrayed me repeatedly, Remeber that the next time you decide to make that phone call. I tried forgiveness, it didn’t work. So maybe it’s now time for the last weapon. Maybe it’s time to forget. When I truly choose to walk away from anything or anyone I never look back, you know this. The one thing I always looked back on was you, it might have been a mistake. Might just have to end now.

  I grew up. You didn’t. That’s the difference between us. Even with me being the younger partner, I’ll always be the more mature one. You destroyed me multiple times. And I rose from the ashes. You cannot defeat me, because there is nothing left to destroy. Only my heart. And that’s always going to be yours. But I can and will move on. It’s not my choices that doomed you’re world. It’s you’re own. I’ve just had to watch as you used the nuclear option and burned mine down, and watched your own crumble. At some point you start to not care. I’m at that point. You’ve proved you’re intentions. I was destroyed for the last time 5 years ago. I went to a place there is no coming back from. I didn’t make peace for you. I did it for me. I may be broken. But I refuse that to follow your life and his. It’s why you were never involved in any of it.  I could have saved myself but the cost was and is still too high. That was my choice and it was the right one. But I did it for me and everyone that I

This is it kid. You are well and truly a man and an adult and you can choose to be whatever you want to be. You’re choices are yours now. Not hers. I’ll always be here if you need me. But you’re not my little boy anymore. You’re all grown up. You’re choices are your own now. Hopefully you make better ones than your old man did. But I tried. I always tried. I always will when it comes to you. Happy Birthday. You are loved. You’re gifts are here when you want them.

  The fact I am still trying for my son in the last moment of his childhood. That’s the sign of a true man, that’s the sign of a true king.    I alway fought for my little prince, and now he’s a man himself. I can go to my grave at peace knowing I did everything I could have.  I may not have done everything right. But I fought like hell for my only blood. At the end, that was good enough.  After this holiday I’m done making empty sacrifices just to say that I did. But I tried. Long enough. I’m done.