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Weight of The World.




My world has changed a lot. My responsibilities are different now but they still exist. It’s not the life I would have chosen. But it’s the life I have. I am happy. Things can be stressful especially when everything seems to happen at once. But it is the life I have chosen and I am enjoying the good moments. So I’ll take my responsibilities as they come. It’s not about me all the time.


I’m not always happy but I’m always doing the right thing by the ones I love and the ones that I have stepped up to the plate to take responsibility for. I wish that someone else could have ever understood that when I was doing that for her. But that was another lifetime and a product of her choices. Now I do what I have to as a result of my choices. I’m glad I made them and I am glad my life has changed. It hasn’t been easy but it is recognized that I’m not worried about myself and what happens to me. I no longer have an endgame. I’m just seeking peace in this moment as long as I can find it.


I sometimes am at conflict with my own nature as I an not used to putting someone else before myself, and I do regret not being the person I am now a long time before. But those were the choices I made and the man I was then. This is the man I am now. And I’m making those choices for myself now because I have to. Because I’m not the only one that depends on me.  Just like always, I’m going to fail doing the right thing... but I’m used to that eventual outcome. I always have been.


I make choices and decisions based on who I am and what I have planned. And my current responsibilities, maybe if someone had patience and reality and could have waited a moment things would have been different. But she didn’t and they aren’t. I’m happy with my life and where I stand and who I take care of in my life now.  


Maybe one day you’ll understand that. Maybe one day it won’t matter. Because as I said a few years ago. I have nothing left to prove to anyone. I do things for me and those I love. Some days that even includes you but for the moment you’re just a memory. Other priorities are more important.


Things may not be perfect in my life but there is little to no conflict in it either. Something I haven’t known since our first time together. Those were our choices then and these are my choices now.


It’s been 18 years since I served those papers on you. You and I might have made the wrong choice. But for me it was the only choice.


No regrets. I’m not the one looking back.


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