Weight of The World.

My world has changed a lot. My responsibilities are different now but they still exist. It’s not the life I would have chosen. But it’s the life I have. I am happy. Things can be stressful especially when everything seems to happen at once. But it is the life I have chosen and I am enjoying the good moments. So I’ll take my responsibilities as they come. It’s not about me all the time.

I’m not always happy but I’m always doing the right thing by the ones I love and the ones that I have stepped up to the plate to take responsibility for. I wish that someone else could have ever understood that when I was doing that for her. But that was another lifetime and a product of her choices. Now I do what I have to as a result of my choices. I’m glad I made them and I am glad my life has changed. It hasn’t been easy but it is recognized that I’m not worried about myself and what happens to me. I no longer have an endgame. I’m just seeking peace in this moment as long as I can find it.

I sometimes am at conflict with my own nature as I an not used to putting someone else before myself, and I do regret not being the person I am now a long time before. But those were the choices I made and the man I was then. This is the man I am now. And I’m making those choices for myself now because I have to. Because I’m not the only one that depends on me. Just like always, I’m going to fail doing the right thing... but I’m used to that eventual outcome. I always have been.

I make choices and decisions based on who I am and what I have planned. And my current responsibilities, maybe if someone had patience and reality and could have waited a moment things would have been different. But she didn’t and they aren’t. I’m happy with my life and where I stand and who I take care of in my life now.

Maybe one day you’ll understand that. Maybe one day it won’t matter. Because as I said a few years ago. I have nothing left to prove to anyone. I do things for me and those I love. Some days that even includes you but for the moment you’re just a memory. Other priorities are more important.

Things may not be perfect in my life but there is little to no conflict in it either. Something I haven’t known since our first time together. Those were our choices then and these are my choices now.

It’s been 18 years since I served those papers on you. You and I might have made the wrong choice. But for me it was the only choice.

No regrets. I’m not the one looking back.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Fall Of Cybertron III: Where’s Poochie.

It is very easy for me to fade away and just get bored of other people and politics when games are played. I’m not even fucking blinking when someone else who I’ve done things for, constantly for months with no rewards suddenly forgets I exist. That’s real easy for me to fucking deal with. Con politics, games, asshole people that don’t pay there Fuckin promises from day one? Don’t call my number. I stepped away from this shit once on my own. I have no fucking problem doing it again. I feel used and betrayed, but for me it was a Tuesday. I suspect jealousy and politics but I also know when to stick a fork in something when it’s done. I’ve got no interest being around anyone that doesn’t want me involved in there little cliques. I mean this thing was fun but from day one it was political. I don’t need stress and drama in my life. I can hang up my Wizard robe and move the fuck on. I did a great job of it on my own anyways. I don’t look amateur hour like the rest of them. And I no longer

Fuel Injected Suicide Machine.

Pissing me off is never a good fucking option. I have a life and I don’t need to make fucking sacrifices for anyone if I choose not to. I’m getting real fed up with simply being expected to do and arrange things so someone else can have a fucking escape. This is starting to become a fucking pattern in my life. Some I choose to do for, but others, when I’m starting to notice a fucking pattern? I’m gone. I will always be gone. The fact I have yet to step foot in England when I have a secondary place to stay should speak volumes in terms of this freindship and how it’s no longer even. I’m sick of things only being halfway when I’m trying with certain fucking people and I can bail and close ranks and not give a flying fuck about anyone anymore when I’m not being treated with respect esp. given to mine and my brothers financial situation. I don’t mind making sacrifices but I’m still going to make sure that my main fucking priorities are taken care of. I’m not going to pretend to keep th

Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Search This Blog